Awareness slips

Histrionic dendrites

Activate self-destruct sequence

Mechanism for preservation faulty

Psychic doors cipher dependent

Defective machine head

Access denied



10 thoughts on “Reset

  1. yikes…a little scary actually…really cool use of the form…the mechanism for self preservation faulty, that is the scary part for me…cause what is left then?

    1. it is terrifying its feels like I am losing myself and I am stuck in this terrible lope of having to relearn everything again and again and again an never moving forward

  2. Hi- I understand all to well what you said here-” I am stuck in this terrible lope of having to relearn everything again and again and again an never moving forward” I often refer as postical days as a revolving door or a never ending escalator.Th e re-learning was the only time in 20yrs. when i might have just gave up. gaining knowledge then losing 40 i.q. pts.,then having a cycle of constant de ja vus is a major test of how fine a line we walk .
    Psychotic or dementia is at least understandable to many, it is the way it we have this condition,then are seemingly “normal” for a period of time,then it starts all over,the degradation then the recovery become our reality. very hard thing to explain to ‘normal” folks.
    Forgive the rambling ,nice to meet you. Rick

    1. Rick it is wonderful to meet you I haven’t met anyone in life with Epilepsy at least no one forthcoming and so I haven’t had much chance to compare notes and see if someone else is experiencing similar difficulties. I have dropped 30 pts last time I checked but its been a few years since college when I tested. I have daily absences (frequent) and typically the larger seizures in the evenings (most often before sleep) so I tend to stay home in the evenings so I feel like I spend so much of my life zoned out and absent. Medicine doesn’t work for me and my doctor has given up on that idea. She had run out of ideas, I have a few left myself but its hard thinking there might not even be a slight relief in sight.

      I do think that is hard for people when I have mentioned my issues people do say but you seem to be doing fine. No matter that I don’t have a job, a social life, that I have been in Sweden 4 years and know exactly the same amount of Swedish I knew before I had my daughter when I didn’t even live in Sweden which isn’t much (my Epilepsy got markedly worse after having my daughter). I can’t even find a psychologist for my Depression because they won’t work with people with Epilepsy its too complex. Sorry for ranting there

  3. Hi again nice to meet you. & saying your frustration is acceptable & in this case personal & on your page lol . forgive my typos .
    Honestly I haven’t even got into reading all your poetry & such YET.
    But “RESET” caught my attention because I have that button too.
    I also have taken most all meds & still have szs. mostly in my sleep,BUT have really only come to understand partial szs. over the past few yrs.,have had t.c. type szs for 20 yrs. but have come to “feel” i have had this my whole life.
    Knowing this explains A LOT of my childhood & teens,the de ja vus, the long head rushes, the spacial thinking,real far out stuff,much as you described for when you took up writing actually.

    Also have come to “feel” the inter connection with E & Synesthesia,
    I have had those feelings for so long they were normal for me I suppose,but have come to realize just how different they are.
    Trying not ramble. You were saying terrifying , truly until I started reading about other peoples experiences,thoughts & talking with people on the WWW I did not realize that this was supposed to scare me?
    I had 4-10 long hard t.c szs a mo. plus partials & all the fun that goes with it,plus injury’s & never missed a days work & never slowed down & never have been truly scared by “IT” .So it took a while before I was truly able to have empathy with the others. I do understand now though.
    The relearning I completely understand & is maybe the reason I had not seen this blog actually lol. because simply ,I spent yrs reading,learning a lot about this problem & my own thoughts & feelings,then I went through some life changing truama & had complete amnesia,BLANK, for 13 mo’s actually another rare thing I found out.
    Then I joked my way through that with almost no support & as you said I looked “normal” but for 2 yrs every time I learned something ,one bad t.c. sz. took 90% of it away, I used read all this stuff & posted in a lot of places,but then a few yrs ago I just quit trying to learn more because I said why bother, & I can’t offer anything honest to a conversation if I felt like that.
    I have been speaking out more though,because I am still fascinated by how many ways this effects all of us ,very individual problems or experiences.
    Thank you & I hope your frustration with your own mind is at least partially kept in check by your kid, I am a single Dad I understand that also. Have a great day,be careful. i will check back & keep reading. Rick Wichita Kansas

    1. I can certainly relate to the losing substantial amounts of information following a seizure. When I first came to Sweden I took language classes. In the beginning I had a slight advantage because my spouse is Swedish and I had learned a bit slowly over the years but the others soon started to spring ahead. I got very behind so I buckled down and really pushed myself I learned quite a bit I was feeling confident and then during class one day I started having seizures and had to have my husband come pick me up. That cluster of seizures and everything I had learned and built up was just gone, I was back to the beginning. One good thing I guess is that I experience the same things over and over as something brand new, For example I get to try a delicious dessert for the first time over an over with the same excitement because I can’t remember having ever tasted it lol For me life at times is absolutely magical and mystifying! Its terrifying too being in the middle of the city having a seizure and not knowing who you are, where you are, what you are doing. I get overwhelmed very easily, the world just rushes in no filter, no way to blunt the stimulation, just intense, full on if I am not totally spaced out because of a seizure. Its one or the other. On a good day I notice that I am actually ambitious because I want to do everything, I push myself, I work hard but with so many bad days those ambitions don’t take off as I would like. I am slow horrifically terrifying slow. I might vacuum the same spot on the floor for 2 strait hours and not realize my husband literally has to stop me. I get stuck. I literally talked for 6 hours once, complete gibberish I was totally gone, my husband could not get me out of it and afterwords I just slept and slept. We had just met so he had no idea and I wasn’t diagnosed, we were also teens. I seem to have this very long post ictal phase where I am on a weird loop whatever I was doing I will do but I am not there mentally and I am not effective. I lose so much time and I think this has given me a social phobia or exacerbated one I had. I sometimes find myself sitting in a bathtub full of scalding water or with my hand sitting a pan, I don’t feel that I am being burned until I come out again. I have never experienced full amnesia I was severly abused as a child and I don’t remember the earlier years just in bits, the later bits I still remember. I don’t know that I want to forget because it would still effect me even if I didn’t know and then I wouldn’t be able to figure out certain things about myself, I already feel I am losing myself. So I guess I would rather know. My husband loves learning and he doesn’t understand how I don’t, he seems to think if I study hard enough it will stick but it doesn’t stick. I won’t give up I feel learning is good for my brain and psychological well-being even if its all gone tomorrow but it is hard to be motivated about topics I don’t find exciting. The prospect of spending everyday to eternity studying division is just not one I relish lol But there are subjects I like enough. I exercise a lot otherwise I get to stupidly uncoordinated my body forgets how to move properly as well, it tenses up in horrible ways so I exercise a lot so I won’t end up physically disabled as well. I am scared if I don’t speak and write English daily that will be lost as well and if I didn’t have writing communication then I really soul give up

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