Are you afraid of the dark?

One of the most frequent questions and perhaps the major complaint I receive on my blog regards the dark subject matter. Though I have addressed this topic on various occasions I thought I’d write a post that prowess-willing I can add as a page to my blog so that when the question arises again I will be prepared.

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First I want to preface by saying that I believe man is essentially good (albeit confused). I am the type of person who sees beauty in others even when they cannot find it within themselves. I am the type of person who, after some grumbling, looks for the lessons in my day to day challenges.

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Some time ago my 6 year old daughter started lying. I was concerned. I asked myself the usual questions. Have I exaggerated in the recounting of events? Have I kept my promises? Has there been any disparity between my words and actions? I believe children are mirrors so it was only natural that I should reflect on my own behavior before evaluating hers. I was concerned that her lying might escalate, concerned that it might lead to additional behavior problems. My experience with children is limited and thus I lack reference. While a lack of reference helps me to view her as an individual and encourages conversation it can also be a little unnerving flying by the seat of my pants all the time. I did some research on the lying situation and found that children in her age group lie frequently. I had already deduced that it could be a plea for attention/recognition. I’d also figured out that it was part of a natural rebellious urge essential to her developing a sense of autonomy. I learned that it is also a sign that she is developing the ability to distinguish between right and wrong. Generally we think of lying as a negative trait and a sign of moral deficiency but as I learned it is developmentally relevant. Lying can be innocent and it can also be a skill essential for survival. Though I don’t condone lying generally speaking we can all think of instances when we’ve used lies to protect other people (even at the expense of making ourselves look villainous).

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Growing up in an abusive household much of my life was a secret. Like many abused children I blamed myself for the actions of my caretakers. I grew to hate myself on a very fundamental level. As I got older I saw my negative traits as a sign of evil. I feared that I would become my father. So I set very strict rules on my conduct, rules that were fanatically perfectionistic and impossible to follow. I emulated other girls hoping to circumvent my tainted DNA. I actively repressed all that I viewed as “bad” and did my best to manufacture health and wellness. In high school I realized that by repressing my perceived flaws that I was diminishing my self-awareness without self-awareness I would repeat the cycle of abuse. If I did not become my father I would surely end up surrounded by abusers. I came to the conclusion that the only way I was going to heal was to drag my wounded heart into the light.

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In the 9th grade I began studying Buddhism and I learned that the only way to change was through self-acceptance. I knew that I couldn’t achieve self-acceptance by looking only at those traits that I found inoffensive. I knew that I had to look at every aspect of my nature and at human nature as a whole. I knew that I could no longer allow fear to silence and dictate my life. I also learned that nothing is black and white. Up until that point I had been extremely judgmental of myself and others. I learned that compassion is forged through suffering. I learned that gratitude is forged through adversity. Challenging oneself is essential to growth. Failure is essential to success. Sadness allows us to experience genuine happiness. Perfection is an illusion. I learned that you can’t trust other people without developing first an honest and open relationship with yourself. I learned that so-called flaws are essential to authenticity and beauty. I learned fear leads to violence. I learned that denial leads to injustice. I learned that abuse thrives under conditions of repression and secrecy. I learned that wherever you are in life is where you begin, you don’t become good after you’ve gone to Heaven (personally I believe in reincarnation this is just an analogy?).

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In a quest for happiness many people attempt to control and tailor their environments. In Pema’s Chödrön’s book Comfortable with Uncertainty she talks about how monks create an artificial environment so that they can more easily manufacture a sense of peace. Rather than move up the mountain and away from the temptations one must move down the mountain and face life head on. Only by facing reality can we achieve any real meaningful sense of peace and happiness. That said I am not suggesting that you deliberately put yourself in harms way or that you remain in dangerous or abusive situations quite the contrary. I also realize that retreat is also essential to our well-being and that sometimes we do need to surround ourselves with uplifting and positive energy. What I am saying is that getting to know yourself is a lifelong process. What I am saying is that one cannot live a full life from inside of a cocoon. What I am saying is that many of the problems facing society are a result of voluntary blindness. For me balance comes from following your heart and trusting in the Tao. 

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Through my writing I tackle issues that challenge me. I look at human nature and on occasion I explore aspects of the human psyche that make others (myself included) recoil. I do my best to avoid acting, I try to present myself without a shiny veneer. Many of my poems contain an underlying sense of hope. Many of my poems are deeply introspective and thus hit upon sensitive topics. When I write I look at the areas where I am stuck. I look at my fears, at my demons, at my weaknesses, at my misunderstandings. Though I may come off as a negative person I am not in truth. My life, though at times challenging (thankfully!), is good. I have a beautiful daughter, a loving husband, a dream in my heart, I am not wanting for food (okay I do love food so I am always wanting but it is available), possession-wise I have a few books on my wish list but nothing else besides. Yes I have some financial limitations, yes I have some learning challenges, yes I have some mental health issues but I can look at my life and see the good. So much of what I’ve wanted I’ve done. I am now in the unsettling stage of expansion where I am attempting, quite inelegantly, to let my barriers down that I might invite the world in and assume more responsibility. Gratitude is something I practice every single day. 

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It is not completely inaccurate to call me an Anarchist because I believe dissension is necessary and I have a lot of issues with the government and healthcare system that I won’t go into now. Rather than turn a blind eye to suffering and injustice we’ve got to speak out and fight. My pen is my weapon of choice. As you can surely deduce from my current life situation I am in a good place. I am not surrounding myself with darkness and negativity. I am not seeking out misery and drama. I am pursuing life and life embodies a variety of emotional experiences.

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I like reading/listening/watching things that make me think, that stir me to my very core, to me that is art. I’ve been told that my poetry exposes the reader. I try to write in such a way as to encourage personal inquiry and interpretation. I do write in a very invasive manner, I am a very intense individual. I do have positive, uplifting, philosophical pieces on my blog (at least I think so) and they are understandably more popular. I even write love poems of the warm and fuzzy variety. I realize that the content of my blog is abstract and often emotionally charged and thus it does not suit everyone’s taste or mood. This is who I am and how I write and when visiting my blog I ask only that you come as you are. I have been told that I am disconcertingly honest. I’ve started to see the “human” in myself I suppose and the humanity within us all. I figure if I can own being human it might in some small measure help others to accept themselves. Am I eccentric? You better believe it and I am fine with that.

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