Cipher

cage

Cartilage and eidolon

This intractable womb

Scars on possession

A world too small

To accommodate

Forgiveness

*

“I” have become

The guilty party

Having exorcised

My ancestral demons

There is no one

Left to impeach

There is only me

Inmate orange

And truncheon’ed

A prisoner and guard

Coalesced

*

A cage fastened

By tremulous hands

To survive I slept

Year after year

Waiting for life

To become

My own

Waiting for a life

Above

Congenital defect

*

Now

A myna echoing

The heartache

Of a forfeited youth

I’ve the lost the key

And become the cipher

*

Cipher can mean code, alphabet, or nonessential person

After yesterday’s counseling I have found myself feeling very vulnerable. I have withdrawn emotionally even from myself so it was very difficult for me to write. There were just too many locked doors for me to produce anything that I was really happy with. I hope tomorrow the stress will ease and I will be able to write more freely if not I might go out and take photos instead of doing my usual daily poem hopefully you will forgive me if it comes to that. Please feel free to suggest some prompts for me in the comments it may help.  On a really positive note yesterday I got 30 likes on a poem! I have never gotten 30 likes on any entry aside from my About and I feel that only cake will do to celebrate. So thank you!!!

15 responses to “Cipher

  1. excellent poem, so much I feel I comnnect with. It is often from the pas that we understand the way our minds work in adulthood.I like the idea of ‘waiting for a life’ and ‘forfeited youth’ concepts we can connect with in hindsight.

    Hindsight could be an interesting prompt?

  2. Even when you say you find it difficult to write, your words are always so beautiful. I agree with summerstommy2 that hindsight would be an interesting prompt. This was such a sad but beautifully written poem.

  3. This is beautiful, so don’t ever doubt your writing, even in the depths of internal despair you are profound. Perhaps a prompt is the resolution of disquiet, the arising from the abyss, the climb back to a sense of equilibrium. 🙂 🙂

  4. The depth and the nakedness you always gift to us are pure and beautiful, despite the fact it often hurts and seems like an embodiement of fragility,ugliness, unwantedness. This is I think that rough side of writing, it feels bad to give compliments on a poem steming from anothers suffering.
    I hope you feel better very soon, I hope Autumn treats you kindly and soothes you. I would love to see your photos!
    For the prompts, I started the second part of my Workshop, drop by if you are interested.
    Much love to you and you are daily in my thoughts, as well as your beautiful family.

    • I don’t take it as people complimenting my suffering if anything when I receive positive feedback on a very vulnerable and gut-wrenching poem I feel that I have expressed at least in some small measure what I am feeling. I am not worried so much about writing pretty poems I just want to write poems with emotional depth. I want to write poems that make the reader feel whether it be joy or sadness, torment or peace. Often I write about more negative emotions because writing helps me process and dark emotions are a bit more troublesome and quite detrimental to bottle up. I am never happy with a poem when I feel like I am emotionally closing down as I am writing it even if my feelings manage to get across I still think I didn’t look the demon in the eye it’s not good enough. I am the sort when I wake up from a nightmare I admonish myself for my cowardice, I often confront my nightmare villains and have conversations with them but when my fear overpowers and I retreat I get quite annoyed with myself. Sometimes when I accidentally wake from a nightmare I’ll think I hope I can continue when I fall asleep again so I can get to the bottom of this fear. If I am too fragile when I write it can obviously become pathetic gibberish so I need some structure in my thoughts but I hate when my security is too high and I can’t break in. I am not really sad I am more frustrated than anything. I post daily whether or not I am satisfied with the poem, I write no matter how I feel physically or mentally. Thank you so much for your support! (hugs)

  5. It amazes me how you shine even through your own dark times. Sweetie, you are in my thoughts and prayers daily. If you ever need a friend to talk to, I am here. You are such a blessing to so many….I hope you realize that. Big hugs and much love sent your way!!

  6. “accidentally wake from a nightmare” as a prompt?
    Writing as therapy, writing from the heart and soul, writing with true emotions, writing in blood and tears. Even on your “bad” days, your poetry is “good.”

  7. I’m sorry that you’re having a rough time, and I hope that it passes soon. Therapy will naturally take its toll, initially. After all, it’s incredibly draining, emotionally, to relive the past and dredge up all the demons that we’ve done such a good job burying. You will get there. You are amazing for all that you’ve conquered already. I would have withered and died young. As for this poem – I think that it’s your usual high standard. I particularly loved these lines:
    To survive I slept

    “Year after year

    Waiting for life

    To become

    My own”

    I also think that you’re very courageous to post a poem everyday, even when you’re not satisfied with it. I am far too self-critical to do that. Thinking of you, always. Take care, friend xoxo

    • Thank you Bianca for your beautiful words of encouragement =) My self-critical nature is precisely why I do it. I had a friend and he was a wonderful supporter of my work and I valued his honest critiques but one day one of the poems I sent to him received a scathing review (it was the first time his critique had been 100% negative it was vehemently negative, he attacked more than just my poem, it became quite personal). It was a poem at the time I was pretty happy with and it hurt me deeply. I felt like a total fake for having written something so cliche (that was the main criticism of the poem) and I decided I had nothing worth saying so I lost confidence. A break to recover, stretched on for years I gave up the very thing I loved the most because I felt my work lacked depth but worse than that that I as a human being had no depth. He’d said the one thing that I couldn’t handle hearing about myself or my work. Eventually I was able to use that critique constructively but it took me a very long time to get there emotionally. I decided to do this because ultimately it would make me stronger, I knew I was going to get hurt, even if no one said anything negative, that I would still feel shame and disappointment but I decided to work through it. A writer has to be fearless at least when looking inside their own hearts and minds.

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