counseling – mindlovemisery

Cartilage and eidolon

This intractable womb

Scars on possession

A world too small

To accommodate

Forgiveness

“I” have become

The guilty party

Having exorcised

My ancestral demons

There is no one

Left to impeach

There is only me

Inmate orange

And truncheon’ed

A prisoner and guard

Coalesced

A cage fastened

By tremulous hands

To survive I slept

Year after year

Waiting for life

To become

My own

Waiting for a life

Above

Congenital defect

Now

A myna echoing

The heartache

Of a forfeited youth

I’ve the lost the key

And become the cipher

Cipher can mean code, alphabet, or nonessential person

After yesterday’s counseling I have found myself feeling very vulnerable. I have withdrawn emotionally even from myself so it was very difficult for me to write. There were just too many locked doors for me to produce anything that I was really happy with. I hope tomorrow the stress will ease and I will be able to write more freely if not I might go out and take photos instead of doing my usual daily poem hopefully you will forgive me if it comes to that. Please feel free to suggest some prompts for me in the comments it may help. On a really positive note yesterday I got 30 likes on a poem! I have never gotten 30 likes on any entry aside from my About and I feel that only cake will do to celebrate. So thank you!!!

My inept tongue nests

Inside a shallow windpipe

Spurning all but script

I adjust my smile

Three times before withdrawing

My heart completely

Starless truths gather

Like magpies in the cartridge

Of a trusted pen

–

Excising dead flesh

I burgeon pink and fertile

From a would be grave

I really couldn’t write today I was much too distracted and nervous. I had an appointment with a counselor. I was dreading it but in the end the woman was very nice. I feel embarrassed now after the fact. Did I make myself look healthier than I am? I tend to gloss over my problems when I get nervous. I also laugh when I get nervous. Did I come off as whiny? Or cruel? I told her I wasn’t happy with my Neurologist and I feel very bad about that now. Ugh…guilt. I did manage to tell her about my social anxiety, memory problems, and desire for more independence maybe even taking on part-time manual labor sort of job something strait-forward and not to people intense. I didn’t mention my past in a way I want to talk about it because I feel it is affecting me and I think it will be helpful in drawing a more complete picture. I don’t want to spend session after session on my past though, I want to focus on concrete future goals, but I think it is necessary because it was unhealthy.

Also I submitted this to Carbon Noise Poetry

http://kshawnedgar.wordpress.com/2013/09/15/quarantine/