These absinthian moods
Dissolve in occupancy
This heart, worm-ridden,
Collapses under pressure
Creases at every seam
Slips morosely
Into the small intestine
Assimilates in the cells
*
Incoherent filaments adrift
A nameless pain
An insipid hunger
Appeased in the simple act
Of mastication
All I ever wanted
Was to feel whole
*
The warmth of consumption
Rekindles my tongue
A tongue palate-stitched
In the presence of injustice
I became
That which I kept
Imprisoned
The punishing guilt
The shame
Demons whose physiognomy
Overtook my own
Demons who destroy
The lovers they seize
*
I am invincible in darkness
The way I endure
Even when reduced
To nothing
I wear a child’s smile
That you might hesitate
To strike
I speak to myself
In your voice, father
If I am not beautiful
If I am not promiscuous
Then I will never be loved
I am neither
So I stand with the weight
Of this extra flesh
And I pretend
That food can fill
Every void within
*
If I grow bigger than you
Perhaps then you will not possess
The power to hurt me
The desire to rape me
I will be as formidable
And concentrated as stone
A holy monolith
Complete in and of itself
*
When I was a child I was overweight and though I am now a healthy weight and have not been overweight for years (a few pounds overweight right after I gave birth) I still struggle with food. I think of food obsessively. When I finish one meal I am planning the next. I won’t go out if I don’t think food will be readily available. I can eat horrific amounts and don’t get full the way others do (an empty stomach freaks me out) I almost never go back for seconds but I will never leave a plate uncleaned so I always portion my plate properly so I can eat everything on it. I hate my body emotionally even though intellectually I understand it is a normal body, a good body in what it allows me to do but I look at it and I still see that fat girl. While usually I tune society out I admit the unrealistic expectations get to me as well.
mindlovemisery 