1
My inept tongue nests
Inside a shallow windpipe
Spurning all but script
2
I adjust my smile
Three times before withdrawing
My heart completely
3
Starless truths gather
Like magpies in the cartridge
Of a trusted pen
–
Excising dead flesh
I burgeon pink and fertile
From a would be grave
*
I really couldn’t write today I was much too distracted and nervous. I had an appointment with a counselor. I was dreading it but in the end the woman was very nice. I feel embarrassed now after the fact. Did I make myself look healthier than I am? I tend to gloss over my problems when I get nervous. I also laugh when I get nervous. Did I come off as whiny? Or cruel? I told her I wasn’t happy with my Neurologist and I feel very bad about that now. Ugh…guilt. I did manage to tell her about my social anxiety, memory problems, and desire for more independence maybe even taking on part-time manual labor sort of job something strait-forward and not to people intense. I didn’t mention my past in a way I want to talk about it because I feel it is affecting me and I think it will be helpful in drawing a more complete picture. I don’t want to spend session after session on my past though, I want to focus on concrete future goals, but I think it is necessary because it was unhealthy.
Also I submitted this to Carbon Noise Poetry
mindlovemisery 
This is an amazing poem, and what a stunning image to go with it. Deep breaths, print off this post maybe, and show it to your counselor next time. Peaceful blessings, Harula xxxxx
Thank you so much for your support I did mention it to her. I wonder if I should give her the link to my blog because there are a lot of topics that would be very challenging for me to bring up and probably need to be discussed
It might be a good idea, but you are the only one who can know if that will serve you on not. I would only suggest you trust your gut instinct, whatever it says. Blessings, H xxxxx
In the past I admit that I would try for one day and then leave, once I even hid in the bathroom until the session was over. Then I found a nice therapist but I never opened up to him, I was afraid to disappoint him. He never charged me for sessions because he enjoyed talking to me so I felt I had to be entertaining, and that is what I usually do I run away or make friends and get them to talk about their problems, hopes, dreams, philosophies so I don’t have to talk about my own issues, I do talk about optimistic things, things I am passionate about. As much as I might need just a fun conversation since I have no offline social life, I do need to have serious conversations as well and if I wait too long I am afraid I will get in that mind-frame that I have to be entertaining, lively, and self-aware. I feel so much pressure to be deep, like I am supposed to have some profound insight into my own psyche. Maybe I do but I still don’t know how to solve everything.
These are beautiful. I especially love “starless truths gather…” I’m glad the appointment wasn’t as bad as you had anticipated. Focusing on concrete future goals sounds like a very good thing. 🙂
I love working with imagery, abstraction, and philosophy in poetry but in my life I need things very very concrete and strait-forward. I need a little help with goals as I tend to be a space cadet
Lovely and elegant verses – very special!! 🙂 🙂
Thank you Helen =)
As long as your past is broken you cannot fix your future. (speaking from 10 years of therapy)
It is going to be tough but I know it is very important, crucial for me even
Yes it is but we are tough, resilient and brave. Remember that by taking a step to do this you are taking control of your life and doing something positive for you.
Cheers
Laurie.
Thank you for your encouragement Laurie =)
Anytime, I’m always glad to help. 🙂
whew…that second one just got me…the trying and then withdrawling…that one pinged the emotions pretty good for me…
Thank you so very much Brian =)
Special indeed and most beautiful M.
“I don’t want to spend session after session on my past though, I want to focus on concrete future goals, but I think it is necessary because it was unhealthy.”
You show wisdom here M. Counselling therapy can be and often is very therapeutic. It is also true that counselling – depending on the skills of the counselor- can keep you trapped where you are and you end up feeding the counselors needs…
You are brave dear M.
Anna :o]
Thank you so much Anna =) It is very bizarre yesterday I was checking the Epilepsy forum and it is almost scary how much we have in common, things. On the one hand I feel less like a hopeless loser but on the other hand I feel sad that so many people are impaired in the same way. Some of them are even responding at least somewhat to their medications and still struggling tremendously with everyday tasks so there are times when I think maybe this is the best I can hope for but that thought is just so useless to me. Even if I never achieve all that I set out for I like having something to work on and the work makes me happier you know? It also pisses me off at medical doctors because they don’t seem to care about quality of life. Not being dead is pretty much the limit of the concern.
“I adjust my smile
Three times before withdrawing
My heart completely”
I love this imagery xoxo
Thank you so much =)
It looks to me like a ‘reborn’ thought. The inner core in blossom, am I correct?
Love the pictures 🙂
Thank you I am in the process hopefully of transforming fingers-crossed