My inept tongue nests

Inside a shallow windpipe

Spurning all but script


I adjust my smile

Three times before withdrawing

My heart completely


Starless truths gather

Like magpies in the cartridge

Of a trusted pen

Excising dead flesh

I burgeon pink and fertile

From a would be grave


I really couldn’t write today I was much too distracted and nervous. I had an appointment with a counselor. I was dreading it but in the end the woman was very nice. I feel embarrassed now after the fact. Did I make myself look healthier than I am? I tend to gloss over my problems when I get nervous. I also laugh when I get nervous. Did I come off as whiny? Or cruel? I told her I wasn’t happy with my Neurologist and I feel very bad about that now.ย  Ugh…guilt. I did manage to tell her about my social anxiety, memory problems, and desire for more independence maybe even taking on part-time manual labor sort of job something strait-forward and not to people intense. I didn’t mention my past in a way I want to talk about it because I feel it is affecting me and I think it will be helpful in drawing a more complete picture. I don’t want to spend session after session on my past though, I want to focus on concrete future goals, but I think it is necessary because it was unhealthy.

Also I submitted this to Carbon Noise Poetry


21 thoughts on “Unspoken

    1. Thank you so much for your support I did mention it to her. I wonder if I should give her the link to my blog because there are a lot of topics that would be very challenging for me to bring up and probably need to be discussed

      1. In the past I admit that I would try for one day and then leave, once I even hid in the bathroom until the session was over. Then I found a nice therapist but I never opened up to him, I was afraid to disappoint him. He never charged me for sessions because he enjoyed talking to me so I felt I had to be entertaining, and that is what I usually do I run away or make friends and get them to talk about their problems, hopes, dreams, philosophies so I don’t have to talk about my own issues, I do talk about optimistic things, things I am passionate about. As much as I might need just a fun conversation since I have no offline social life, I do need to have serious conversations as well and if I wait too long I am afraid I will get in that mind-frame that I have to be entertaining, lively, and self-aware. I feel so much pressure to be deep, like I am supposed to have some profound insight into my own psyche. Maybe I do but I still don’t know how to solve everything.

  1. These are beautiful. I especially love “starless truths gather…” I’m glad the appointment wasn’t as bad as you had anticipated. Focusing on concrete future goals sounds like a very good thing. ๐Ÿ™‚

    1. I love working with imagery, abstraction, and philosophy in poetry but in my life I need things very very concrete and strait-forward. I need a little help with goals as I tend to be a space cadet

      1. Yes it is but we are tough, resilient and brave. Remember that by taking a step to do this you are taking control of your life and doing something positive for you.

  2. Special indeed and most beautiful M.
    “I donโ€™t want to spend session after session on my past though, I want to focus on concrete future goals, but I think it is necessary because it was unhealthy.”
    You show wisdom here M. Counselling therapy can be and often is very therapeutic. It is also true that counselling – depending on the skills of the counselor- can keep you trapped where you are and you end up feeding the counselors needs…
    You are brave dear M.
    Anna :o]

    1. Thank you so much Anna =) It is very bizarre yesterday I was checking the Epilepsy forum and it is almost scary how much we have in common, things. On the one hand I feel less like a hopeless loser but on the other hand I feel sad that so many people are impaired in the same way. Some of them are even responding at least somewhat to their medications and still struggling tremendously with everyday tasks so there are times when I think maybe this is the best I can hope for but that thought is just so useless to me. Even if I never achieve all that I set out for I like having something to work on and the work makes me happier you know? It also pisses me off at medical doctors because they don’t seem to care about quality of life. Not being dead is pretty much the limit of the concern.

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