Leave Me Alone

I hammer down my initiative,

my curious expressions,

my solvent and elevating patterns.

I crouch distractedly beneath

a noxious wave of adrenalin.

How does one manage

the invisible terrors raised by the mind?

Objectivity is an illusion,

opinion implacable.

I take my demons with a shot of salt

but they only scream louder.

My muscles are a murder of nerves.

I loosen my gravity,

collide mid rotation

and rain down in chasms.

I am incomprehensible despite

my affinity for words.

My mouth dry, tongue a skein,

a skirmish, a skelter

of unverifiable platitudes.

I have amnesia,

it came upon me just now

despite no obvious confrontation.

You are so lovely but I hate you.

Hate you for compelling me to speak,

to assuage, to endear myself.

I must be left alone.

I am only clever when hidden.

In the open air, I am a fool,

a conjurer of excuses

sure to baffle and offend.

This poem is based somewhat loosely on my social experiences (not just the one I will mention below). Whenever I go into town people approach me, strangers. Strangers that want money, directions, companionship, assistance of every conceivable kind (doesn’t even matter that I am in no way qualified to provide the assistance). These strangers are often very persistent (to the point where I would consider it bullying). Going on and on and on about whatever their issue is no matter how politely or rudely I attempt to dissuade them. Screaming or running after me when I attempt to leave. This is a constant issue for me and because of my PTSD and social phobia it is really pushing me to agoraphobia. I usually only step foot in the city alone when I am going to therapy. I am very pushed for time when I arrive. My therapist’s office is a 20 minute walk from the bus stop so I don’t even have the time for a short conversation let alone to hear someone’s life story. I don’t make eye contact and I walk very swiftly but like I said the strangers jump out at me and often run after me calling out. After therapy I am so fragile I can’t handle strangers and again I don’t have a lot of extra time before the bus arrives.

Yesterday while attempting to get off the bus, a drunk man started pleading with me to take him home. I am terrified of drunk men, it is linked with my PTSD and it sent me into a full blown panic complete with nightmares. I have tried politeness, rudeness, and complete avoidance. So now I look to you guys for advice. What can I do or say to shut someone down instantly? Is there some way that I can dress that would prevent people from approaching me in the first place? People are also inclined to assist me so it shouldn’t be anything that makes it look like I need help or a stranger might take me home!

Advertisements

15 responses to “Leave Me Alone

  1. I am sorry, I am not sure if you are a girl or a boy, if I know your gender, probably can help more with advice. But this is sad, people behaving in this way…
    I however don’t understand what part of world you live in where people jump at you, it must be so hard…

    • I am 36 year old woman, pretty small, with an innocent face so I have been told (other ways people have described my looks hippie, ghost from the 1800s, vampire, elf, angel, confused no idea why people ask me for directions because I not only look lost I am terrible with directions). It happens whatever country I go in that people approach me actually. They aren’t all mean some are very friendly but some are just so persistent.

  2. Hey, sorry for this. Unfortunately there is no button that we can press to make people stop approaching you. I have quite a stern look and someone can walk up to me a and ask me why I am not smiling, and I am there like “really” . Especially as a woman, it’s so hard. Anyway, I can advice you to walk with earphones or headphones in, you don’t need to be listening to anything, in my experience people generally find it a hassle to talk to someone with earphones. ((hugs))

    • Thank you! I will try this and see if it helps any. I think I might pair it with exercise gear and just jog through that part of the city (the worse area). I don’t know if people are in the habit of stopping joggers but hopefully I will be too complicated for approach lol Even if they do attempt to get my attention I might not notice and if I don’t hear them then my face won’t betray me.

    • I am going to try it! I have had this experience in such a wide variety of cities, towns, and countries that I can’t really say that where I am now is different. The crime rate where I am in very low and in talking to others they aren’t having the same experience (at least not to the same extent). I can say there are a lot more beggars in the city than in recent years. The beggars come in from other countries as tourists. They beg for a while and then go home with their earnings. It is apparently easier for them to earn a living that way then in their home countries which is very sad.

  3. I agree with the headphones advice. I wore a pair every day to and from work on a train for years before I relocated and was hardly ever bothered. A cheap pair in a bright color should help a lot 🖤

  4. Seems so extreme the way people approach you. I had people ask for money and a quick no seems to work. But being a man I guess makes it easier. I agree that headphones, looking downward will help. Maybe actually playing loud music so you can’t hear them may also help you detach from the experience. I believe not answering or saying anything and completely ignoring them may also work. Do not feel you need to be polite and say something which may turn you in a target. Good luck 🙂

    • It is, if they accepted no then it wouldn’t be and issue really. The problem is that no doesn’t seem to phase some of the people that approach me and it’s those people who scare me. I really hope the headphones work as a deterrent and that they don’t prompt people to touch me to get my attention. I am not always polite trust me lol

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s