I hammer down my initiative,
my curious expressions,
my solvent and elevating patterns.
I crouch distractedly beneath
a noxious wave of adrenalin.
How does one manage
the invisible terrors raised by the mind?
Objectivity is an illusion,
opinion implacable.
I take my demons with a shot of salt
but they only scream louder.
My muscles are a murder of nerves.
I loosen my gravity,
collide mid rotation
and rain down in chasms.
–
I am incomprehensible despite
my affinity for words.
My mouth dry, tongue a skein,
a skirmish, a skelter
of unverifiable platitudes.
I have amnesia,
it came upon me just now
despite no obvious confrontation.
You are so lovely but I hate you.
Hate you for compelling me to speak,
to assuage, to endear myself.
I must be left alone.
I am only clever when hidden.
In the open air, I am a fool,
a conjurer of excuses
sure to baffle and offend.
–
This poem is based somewhat loosely on my social experiences (not just the one I will mention below). Whenever I go into town people approach me, strangers. Strangers that want money, directions, companionship, assistance of every conceivable kind (doesn’t even matter that I am in no way qualified to provide the assistance). These strangers are often very persistent (to the point where I would consider it bullying). Going on and on and on about whatever their issue is no matter how politely or rudely I attempt to dissuade them. Screaming or running after me when I attempt to leave. This is a constant issue for me and because of my PTSD and social phobia it is really pushing me to agoraphobia. I usually only step foot in the city alone when I am going to therapy. I am very pushed for time when I arrive. My therapist’s office is a 20 minute walk from the bus stop so I don’t even have the time for a short conversation let alone to hear someone’s life story. I don’t make eye contact and I walk very swiftly but like I said the strangers jump out at me and often run after me calling out. After therapy I am so fragile I can’t handle strangers and again I don’t have a lot of extra time before the bus arrives.
–
Yesterday while attempting to get off the bus, a drunk man started pleading with me to take him home. I am terrified of drunk men, it is linked with my PTSD and it sent me into a full blown panic complete with nightmares. I have tried politeness, rudeness, and complete avoidance. So now I look to you guys for advice. What can I do or say to shut someone down instantly? Is there some way that I can dress that would prevent people from approaching me in the first place? People are also inclined to assist me so it shouldn’t be anything that makes it look like I need help or a stranger might take me home!
mindlovemisery 