Dear Self

Love exists. A love beyond love. A love so extraordinary that it completely redefines intimacy. This isn’t a love that can be translated by your fragile human ego so don’t even bother. This love probably won’t follow a traditional course. Be prepared to be surprised. Be prepared to be triggered. Be prepared to have your life turned inside out and upside down. Whatever you think you know about relationships doesn’t necessarily apply here. Seduction won’t work. Beautiful words won’t work. Gifts won’t work. For this to work you have only to be yourself. Good news for you because being yourself is what your best at!

I know this wasn’t what you were expecting when you asked the universe to infuse a little magic into your life. When you asked the universe to show you the depths of human intimacy. When you asked, teary-eyed, to learn to trust again. When you asked to go on a spiritual journey of healing. You couldn’t have known that this inexplicable/out of nowhere love would dismantle your life, your sense of self, your entire system of beliefs.

I bet you never expected to be crying over the photograph of a stranger because you found in that beautiful face a profound sense of purpose. I remember how surprised you were when you saw him and recognized him as yourself. When you knew him without knowing him. When his name just popped into your mind even though you had never heard/seen it before. I bet you never expected that the presence of that person within your heart and soul would hit you harder than an orgasm (that you would actually prefer the sense of him to an orgasm!). I bet you never expected that when you found the love of your life that that love would play out in your dreams before it materialized/manifested in your waking life.

I am sure you think you’ve gone fucking mad. I know you have seen the signs/the impossible coincidences/the synchronicities. I know that you want something concrete. I know you are searching for proof. I know how much you want to be held, to have the confirmation that even a simple hello might afford and I know it feels unfair at times. Well get over it. The ego is always focused on absence/appetite/satiation. Focus instead on gratitude/on all that you have going for you. You have a lot going for you, more than you know.

I am not talking about unrequited love here but if you want to be loved, you are going to have to love yourself first. Take care of yourself so you don’t completely wear yourself out. Fill yourself with love first and there will be plenty to share. You might be reading this thinking I am speaking about self-love. I am speaking about self-love but I am also speaking of unconditional love. You’re not wrong. You’re not crazy. This inexplicable love you are feeling is real. He really does have a beautiful soul. I know that you can feel it. Trust that feeling. Your beloved is a real flesh and blood person. You are worthy of him/of the connection. I wish I could give you an instruction manual to ease the discomfort of the particulars. I wish I knew the answers. I wish I had the “proof” you wanted/needed right now. All I can say is that you are living that proof because you love him, because loving him is the greatest gift.

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