I have started a new WordPress site in the hopes of finding some form of employment (so feel free to hire me!). I have posted an audio reading of my latest poem so if you are interested in listening or just have advice please stop by!
This update is overdue and I did say I would discuss my recovery honestly. It has not been a full year since I had a Hysterectomy but almost.
The belly shelf is gone, my scar is tidy (fading a little), but my weight is not where I would like it to be. I am struggling with weight loss and actually I haven’t made any progress in that department. I fluctuate occasionally but we are talking max 2 kilos. I am able to exercise normally now. I can do everything I did before. My abs are getting stronger all the time. But my body does not burn as many calories as it did before. Believe it or not just having a uterus burns calories. So not only do I burn less calories but my appetite has increased. Trust me when I tell you it was already high so it was the last thing I needed. Suffice to say I am not all that happy with my body.
I still have fibrocystic breasts (which has been the case since I was 12 so no relief there). My nipples are not less sensitive despite what the research suggested. I am wondering if they aren’t actually more sensitive but in a better way?
This next section is somewhat specific to me the individual and won’t apply to all women. I still have functional ovaries which last time the doctor checked were full of healthy eggs (so I was no where near the menopause stage). Prior to the operation I took progesterone to control bleeding (which I stopped taking after the surgery). This pertains to my body returning presumably to status quo hormone levels. I cannot say that my normal hormone levels are in balance. I could be completely out of whack for all I know. I can only say that how I feel now is similar to how I felt in college. The hormonal changes happened more gradually.
So birth control functioned for me like a psychotropic drug. I still experienced emotional fluctuations while taking it but not to the same degree. I was able to shake off bad moods and insecurities a little easier. I was less grumpy and moody. Bad moods still arose of course but not at the same intensity. The birth control really suppressed my sex drive and made me quite dry. Well now that I am not taking it my emotions are hitting hard. Since I lost my job in a very difficult and unpleasant way I became extremely depressed. I started to experience a lot of panic attacks towards the end. In general my anxiety is very high and I have been more inclined toward isolation (I am starting to crawl my way out). I find it much harder to shake negative, cyclic thinking. I am grumpy, more obsessive, and my libido is unmanageable. I don’t know what to do with it. I mean I do but there is a limit to how much time one can spend managing/entertaining such things. The dryness is gone. I am writing but it is writing to channel some of that sexual frustration which is why I haven’t shared it. I am trying to work with my therapist to get a handle on my amplified emotions. On the positive side I do feel more alive but on the downside my emotions can be destructive. I am absolutely exhausted from wrestling with my emotions and yet I can’t sleep because I can’t really wait to be awake again. I am guessing this is not just Hysterectomy hormone stuff. It might be like Bipolar and somehow the birth control gave me just enough leeway to cope. I can’t rightly say I can only report how I am feeling. It might just be losing my job, being unemployed, starting over, how slow everything is moving because of bureaucracy. It could be a combination.
As for orgasms I can have both clitoral and vaginal orgasms. Vaginal does take longer and I would say they are less frequent now then previous. But I can say that my orgasms are not diminished in intensity (sometimes they are more intense). I have not had any complications and my health has not been affected by the change as far as I can tell. I mean except for the panic attacks but I have not had one in a while. I forgot how intense I can be as a person.
The breeder sent Sam this photo today of the kitten =) She is a beauty/cutie. I hope that all goes well with the adoption process and that she gets a clean bill of health at her exam. Lately life has sucked (warning whining ahead). I could use a bit of happiness. I don’t feel like going into elaborate details on the specific reasons my life is currently so stressful and unpleasant so here is a summary of events.
I had 2 jobs, one of those jobs was only 1 day a week so I decided to leave and switch to just having one job (having 2 jobs is complicated and it means double or even triple the amount of bureaucracy). Well I was fired shortly after my boss encouraged me to make the transition (it had nothing to do with my work performance as only days before I was given a glowing evaluation), along with another solid employee. I don’t want to go into details but it was a wrongful/unethical termination. I simply did/do not feel like pursuing legal action due to mental health reasons. On top of that the insurance company is refusing to pay my unemployment due to a minor technicality. I worked the requisite amount of hours to receive compensation but I worked 4 1/2 days a week instead of 5 days a week due to therapy (a therapy I require, ironically, so that I can work). I have spent weeks agonizing and filling out all the paperwork which I had to do repeatedly because they kept “misplacing it”. They actually reached their verdict without the aid of my paperwork which, in itself, is questionable. I have found them polite but painfully incompetent and robotic. So now I have to look for a new job in the summer which is the most difficult time in Sweden. Due to social anxiety I am literally sick at the thought of the undertaking and doubt I will be able to find a placement within an hour of my home. Did I mention my caseworker at the Unemployment Agency left and lost all my paperwork/disability info so I have to start from scratch? Because that happened also.
I have also had to make repeated trips to the doctor. My allergies have caused my eardrums to get sucked into my inner ear which has caused hearing loss and vertigo. I seem to have developed sleep apnea which I will get tested for in a few days (it could also be my allergies preventing me from breathing but that has yet to be determined). I am having a lot of problems with heartburn which is strange because before now I literally hadn’t had a single instance of heartburn in years. I can actually count all the times I have ever had heartburn in my adult life so I don’t really know why I am having a problem with it all of a sudden. I suppose it could just be stress-related. Today I spent 2 hours traveling just for a 5 minute doctor’s appointment because there are no gynecologists in my area (at least none that work with problem cases)!
The only thing that has really brought me joy lately is planning for the kitten and setting up her room. Of course it is also a source of worry because who doesn’t worry about babies? And as a purebred cat she could have certain health issues. We ended up with the letter B which means we had to pick a B name for her and B is a really tough letter for names. She is officially Bell for simplicity but Sam wants to call her Blip.