Stay

When our bodies

and borders

start to unfurl

like so many misshapen wings

Stay.

When the dawn

starts to break

and one by one

the last remnants of sleep

fall away

Stay.

When I shout

I love you

for no reason

other than the feeling itself

Stay.

When our bones

find each other on a path

not wholly of our choosing

Stay.

When I chase you

because my heart is too hot

and too heavy to grasp

Stay.

When I am watery

and too scarred/scared

to feel my feelings

Stay.

When the labels peel and chaff

and we forget ourselves

in the act of being together

Stay.

Love Letter #35

Dear DM,

The last few days have been difficult. I’ve had trouble sleeping. I’m in pain. Emotionally. Physically. I’m feeling lost and alone. Turns out I am not that introverted. Probably I’m just shy and avoidant. In other words, I really like my fucking freedom. It’s one thing to hang out at home ‘cuz you feel like it but being stuck at home day after day due to extenuating circumstances will make you crazy. I could really use some social interaction. I don’t mean anything particular by this just that I would like to have a conversation. A day out of the house with people. Eye contact. The sound of a voice.

I went out for ice cream today. They actually had mint chocolate chip (the green kind which is best). It’s probably an American thing. Toothpaste-flavored ice cream. No idea why it’s so awesome. Yes I do. Cold on cold. I saw a couple on a date. I’m wondering if there is a platonic way to date when you’re a grownup? I love hanging out. I love inappropriate jokes. I love stupid shit like tag and play fighting. I haven’t really dated since I was a teenager. So I am probably stunted or something. To amuse myself I go on walks with headphones on and dance or pretend I’m on a runway. I live in a village of around a 1,000 so I am guessing there are, at least, a 1,000 people out there that think I’ve lost my fucking shit. Which I have. I’ve totally lost my shit.

I definently don’t want platonic with you though. If there was confusion.

I still haven’t worked out this whole concept of surrender. How do I get out of the way and just allow the universe to work its groovy voodoo? I’m really good at making things harder than they need to be. I just don’t get it. Can’t we just fuck up and see how it goes from there? I want you as is. Sometimes I wish you would say something. You know? I don’t know like give me a sign or something.

I don’t dislike myself in a general sense (though I’d be lying if I said I was always easy) but it’s been a very, very long time since anyone has expressed a romantic interest or physical attraction in me. I’m starting to develop a complex about it. I know that it doesn’t mean anything. I know my worth doesn’t come from other people’s opinions but it is just inconceivable to me at this point that someone could see me in this way. It’s been too long. I’ve forgotten how that feels. How it feels to be seduced. To be pursued. In dreams you do these things of course.

I am trying to figure out how to enjoy being awake and indoors mostly and for indefinite periods of time. Honestly, I seem to be allergic to absolutely everything in the outside world. Which reminds me I had the bright idea to use scented products in the wash so I could smell something other than my own skin and now my whole body itches like crazy and the washing machine broke shortly after so I can’t rewash my clothes. My body is short-circuiting from stress. I mean I am literally allergic to everything right now. Why?!

There was an advertisement in the Swedish newspaper about Yoni massage. Should I consider this for stress relief? I can orgasm by myself but there is so much tension in my body I feel like I am going to break in half. I really need some fun in my life. Some way to decompress.

With all my love your DF

Love Letter #34

Dear DM,

Prepare for a ramble. I’m buffering. These are just my thoughts. Formless. Naked. Free-styling.

I realized something today. I realized that whenever I’m feeling insecure or uncertain about the future I seek to define, micromanage, and fortify my own patterns and beliefs. I set my intentions from a place of fear, rather than a place of love. I tighten the stitches. I reinforce the walls. I settle and I cling to things I have outgrown. I beg for the minimum. I beg for bread crumbs. We teach others how to treat us. We set the precedent by the way we treat ourselves and many of us don’t treat ourselves all that well. So I have to treat myself better. I’ve got to feed my soul. I’ve got to get on really intimate terms with myself. I’ve got to choose me, to choose you.

How do you feel about me? How do you envision our 3D lives in the future? Become accusations in moments like these rather than an exploration of love/limitless potential. Rather than explore our lives with gratitude and joy we look for the cracks, the would-be betrayals and betrayers, the exits unmarked and otherwise. Just encase. We survive on desperation, on a habitual need to be placated and anesthetized. Some questions have no right answer. Do you think I look fat? Is one of those questions because nothing anyone can say can clarify the distortion of one’s own negative self-perception. So here we are again. Perspective. That’s what reality is all about perspective. So why choose the version of reality that hurts the most? Why reinforce the pain? If we have a choice and we do have a choice. Isn’t it strange that we choose moments when we are feeling unstable and anxious to think about and plan for the future? It’s like trying to have a heart-felt conversation when you are pissed off.

Being human is an experience. Fleeting. Beautiful. Excruciating. Baffling. We don’t mistake an outfit for the person underneath it, even if that outfit is an expression of the person’s identity/mood/role in a given moment in time. We are a spiritual being having a human experience. I think more often than not we build our whole lives on illusion, to suit the fickle and temporary demands of the lizard brain. We forget that we are infinite. That we are creators in our own right. We take dreams for granted.

Basically I have been thinking about reality again. About why we choose define ourselves by fear instead of love. I think about all the times I’ve said I am lonely. I need to find someone. I need to do something. I need to go out and become someone. If you are me then it makes sense that I ought to be able to be in a room with myself and my feelings and the silence without self-destructing. If I can’t be present with myself then how will I be present with another person, with their feelings, with their silence, with the unknowns that exist in every situation and relationship?

I have this habit of giving advice whenever I talk to someone because listening to other people talk scares the shit out me. The story of how lives fall apart and reassemble. The not knowing. The sense of powerlessness when you watch someone you care about self-destruct/self-deprecate/abandon hope. The sense that I am not smart enough to have an adult conversation in the first place. The need to prove and justify myself and assert my own beliefs whatever the conversation. We fill in spaces, instead of letting ourselves breathe. We push the miracles underground. It takes space to manifest. Most of what we are is space, space isn’t lonely at all, walls are lonely. The unknown constitutes so much of our lives, it is where the magic happens, it’s the womb and it’s the source of all creation.

I love you. Like I really, really love you. So I open myself up a little more each day. So I move towards you and our future, effortlessly because that is where my energy is pulling me. I want to spend my life getting to know you. Not just in this lifetime and not just the gorgeous human you’ve incarnated as but the soul underneath. I would let myself go crazy in a room with you. You could go crazy too. We could do it together. Over and over. I have already chosen you. Let’s explore life together. And also thank you. Thank you because I know that you are with me, there for me, doing the work, and willing to take the time to create something truly special with me, something soul-deep. You inspire me. And if you need a sign this is it. I know who you are AM. I know because we are soul-deep. I trust that we will come together in every way. I trust you. And also if you want to do a video chat let me know (dream reference) because the answer is yes.

With all that I am your DF

Love Letter #33

Dear DM,

I miss you. More specifically the things we haven’t done or said yet (in this lifetime). I miss you because I haven’t had the chance to really tell you how I feel. I miss you because there are so many ways that I want to know you, so many parts of you that I haven’t met yet. I miss you because my own heart is so thick with scars that sometimes I can’t even pry it open. Though I try I can’t seem to totally escape the fear that you don’t know or feel all the things that I know and feel. And I am frustrated because I’d rather get hurt having told you all of these things/having felt all of these things then to get hurt by omission. I miss the mistakes we haven’t made yet. The imperfections of us, individually and as a collective. I want to be occupied by you in every way, all of the time.

I have had this line from my book on my mind ”He made me feel like being myself was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.” This is to say I love you because of who I am and that’s a privilege. Loving you. Being able to recognize in another person all of these beautiful and amazing feelings and I just want to tell you thank you. Thank you for being who you are. Like I literally want to tell you. Out loud.

I am trying to be patient, to just savor the feelings and the moments when my heart isn’t too redundant with pain to feel them. Do you think it is harder to give or receive a confession? I think it must be harder to hear one. I think of all the times I have broken down in tears when someone asked me ”Are you feeling alright?”. When we have sex in dreams I like to be in charge. Receiving is an art. It takes finesse and patience. I think I might be too selfish to receive, to allow. I really want to be vulnerable with you, to lose control, to strip myself bare.

In the last few weeks I have read three books out loud to you. We are on our fourth book. If I don’t keep talking I might just say ”I love you.” or ”Thank you.” simply because the spirit moves me. Only you’ve blocked me and I think I probably shouldn’t say it just yet. And for everyone wondering why I was blocked in the first place I am not really the person to ask. I guess eagerness makes a sound a lot like talking. I guess maybe I tried too hard. I wish sometimes I had tried a little differently, a little more honestly. A little more or a little less. But I don’t know and anyhow it’s been a while since it happened. When I write about it, it just makes me sound like a crazy person. I feel pretty sure though that I didn’t actually do anything particularly crazy and maybe I should have. Maybe that’s the point. Maybe I wasn’t real enough. The last thing you ever sent me was a like, small and heart-shaped so the last thing you said wasn’t even nasty or offensive and so I can’t even be mad at you. I am not mad at you and I don’t even know if I should be mad at myself. I just wish I was more confident.

Sometimes I find myself wishing that I could find you in another person but no one will ever compare to you and also I don’t want anyone else. I feel guilty for even thinking about it but sometimes I get lonely and I want to be held when my eyes are open and I’m awake. Also I feel crazy again but I guess it is okay to be crazy since it comes with being human.

I’ve asked you to send me a shirt you have worn in the mail. Really worn, like for days. Obviously I haven’t asked you “irl” and obviously what I really want is you. To have you naked in my arms, to smell you. I should tell you this now but I smell everything constantly. I live through scent and taste because they are by far my strongest senses. I am not sure what animal that makes me.

I want to hear your voice and I could beg you to post something telepathically and see what happens but we both know what I really want is to have a conversation with you out loud. I am always thinking of ways I can settle. As if I could get a hit, a fix of you I might survive another few days, weeks, months, or even years of missing you but really what I want is you, all of you, the whole person, flaws and all. So I will try to ask for what I really want and then be open to whatever happens.

The universe has a funny way of answering our prayers. Today a jewelry store Dm’d me to tell me I am beautiful and asked me to promote their products on my very modest Instagram account. Jewelry which they will send me for free apparently, except of course the first time. The first time I have to pay shipping. They messaged me yesterday as well to say how lovely I am. Now I know it is a scam but I think maybe someone, somewhere does think I am lovely and maybe somehow this is really a message from you.

I have been studying French for almost a year, well maybe even a year. I don’t speak French. At least, what comes out of my mouth when I am playing along with Duolingo isn’t noticeably French. I think of all the languages I have not learned and how maybe some Americans are born with a speech impediment that makes it impossible to speak other languages. If I said Je t’aime would you understand me and would it be beautiful because it is supposed to be beautiful.

I should compile a whole list of all the things I want to do to you and have done to myself by you but deep down we both know that I would be happy just being with you. I don’t ask for too much. I just want everything. Everything with you. Everything in the open and out loud.

I found this on your abandoned FB page and I know it’s from before, before so it’s not to me but now, now it is to you.

With all that I am your DF

Exchange

We stand on the precipice of spring,

soluble with thirst and eager to be alive.

Let me carry the weight of your bones

in the crucible of my heart for a while.

I know that words rarely come

when they are needed.

We can be together in the silence,

in the sleeping hours,

in the beautiful void that is hunger.

Say that we are interchangeable

because I want to exchange myself for you.

You gather the hem

of my little black dress

in your hands,

like a love letter

and tear upward.

I have broken my heart

more times than I can count

thinking about you

and if I have the power to hurt you

does is mean that I don’t deserve you?

Teach me how to accept love

when it comes

because I don’t remember

what it means to be

comfortable in my skin.

With you I think I could live in me

if only to give you a place

to escape your loneliness.

I could be a beautiful home,

a mountain of treasure,

an open sky with a melody that carries.

Between my cherry red lips

you are tying knots

in my tongue.

If I could speak

then I would give you

all of me, every breath,

every shakey syllable.

I don’t think love is even

half of what it could be.

We could make it mean

so much more.

I don’t know if we love each other

in the same way

I don’t know it we ever could.

I promise not to die for you.

I promise to wake up a little more each day.

I promise to give you each and every

heart that has ever grown in me and those yet to come.

I promise to go deeper with every breath.

I promise to laugh until I lose my voice

and to cry until the stars have fashioned

constellations of my load-bearing sorrows.

I will be human, through migration and heartbreak.

I will be human. Raw. Bloody. Imperfect.

I will love you the way that god is said to love

but unlike god I have everything and nothing at all to lose.

25 Signs You Have Met Your Twinflame!

  1. How you feel when you first meet them is the most obvious and most significant sign.
    • You may feel a sense of deja vu, as if there is an already existing connection, as if you have known each other forever.
    • You may experience a sense of “coming home”. A recognition that you and this person are one and the same, that you belong together.
    • You will feel either extremely emotional as if all of your feelings were being expressed and released simultaneously or you will feel a deep sense of peace.
    • You will feel an overwhelming sense of love.
    • You may experience visions of the two of you coming together as one. You may experience visions of your future together. These visions will be very clear, very impactful, and will come unbidden to your mind.
    • Time will move differently when you are together.
    • You will just know.
  2. You will recognize this person as important and identify them as having a significant role in your life. You will sense that you have a mission together, a calling which is bigger than the relationship itself.
  3. You will dream/daydream/think about them constantly. Their face may spring to your mind in the middle of the night for no apparent reason. You will want to learn everything you can about them. 
  4. Your chakras will start to awaken. Ascension begins. The heart chakra and solar plexus chakra are generally the first to awaken but some people may experience a full awakening. As a consequence of your chakras awakening you may experience physical side-effects such as: Tingling in the head, headaches, dizziness, changes in sleeping and eating habits, shocks/spasms, flashes of light, feelings of fullness, pressure, pulling in the affected chakras etc. You will also experience emotional and spiritual side effects such as: a feeling of oneness/connection/completion, expansiveness, increased intuition, vivid dreams, serenity, anxiety/fear, changes in beliefs and/or patterns of behavior, a sense of purpose, optimism/elation, numbness, fatigue, communion with source, a desire to be of service to others etc.
  5. You will be bombarded with signs and synchronicities.
  6. You will feel more awake, more present in your own life and as a consequence you will find a sense of renewed purpose and passion. Their existence serves as inspiration.
  7. Your life will fall apart for the better. Relationships that no longer serve your highest good will naturally start to dissolve. You might lose a job that was making you miserable or find the courage to pursue a job more in line with your passions and values. You might make a significant move. Whatever changes occur and however stressful those changes might be at the time you will feel a sense of freedom/lightness as you release the baggage/the patterns/the situations which were making you feel miserable/stuck.
  8. You will progress at a remarkable speed. For example: you might overcome a lifetime phobia, complete a project which had been stalled for years, earn a promotion. Whatever changes you make will ultimately serve to improve the quality of your life even if that is not immediately apparent.
  9. You may experience telepathy with your twin.
  10.  You will find yourself opening up to your twin very quickly, sharing things about yourself which you might never have shared with anyone else. You will sense on a very deep level that your twin is trustworthy. You will “recognize” their soul and experience the divinity contained therein. You will be able to look beyond the surface and see their authentic self and they in turn will see the real you. 
  11.  You will feel intensely attracted to your twin even if they are not your usual type. You will find that you cannot move on, however, much time elapses. You will naturally make space for them in your life. Every vision of your future will include them. No one else will compare to them however lovely or charming.
  12.  You will have a sense of when they are online, where they are, if they are awake or asleep and you may find yourself summoned to their exact location by this unexplainable sense of knowing.
  13.  You will feel their feelings. You will know when they are happy, sad, angry, aroused, frustrated even if you are not speaking to them. At first you may take these emotions to be your own but in time you will be able to distinguish more clearly between them. You may find yourself sending them love and comfort right when they need it most.
  14.  You will share the same core values.
  15.  You may discover uncanny similarities between you. Conversely you will find many significant differences: age, background, education, socioeconomic status etc. These differences, whatever they may be will compliment each other perfectly. Yin and yang.
  16.  They will draw out the best parts of you and you will bring out the best parts of them. You will find that your confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth increase over time. You will regain your sense of wonder and curiosity. Your relationship with yourself will improve.
  17.  They will trigger and challenge you. As part of the growth/awakening process wounds, fears, traumas and insecurities will surface to be healed. The reason this occurs is not because they are abusive (abuse is not okay) it is because they are you and you will recognize within them the truth within yourself. You will not be able to lie to your twin, they will see right through it and they will call you on your bullshit. As you grow stronger and raise your vibration you will naturally start to release/forgive/clear the negativity in your life including lifelong beliefs and patterns. This can be a very difficult process as the ego struggles intensely with change but you will find that it becomes easier with time.
  18.  You will feel their love and support even if you are still in physical separation. True twinflames work together as a team/as one. That said they cannot do the work for you, they cannot learn the lessons on your behalf, they are not here to fix you (you are not broken). What they will do is send you love and support. What they will do is forgive you, accept you, and keep the faith. Although the twinflame journey can be overwhelming and confusing, the one certainty is love. You love them and they love you. Calm your mind and go within and you will feel this to be true. Nothing the ego could ever say or do will make you stop loving them and vice versa.
  19.  Your twinflame will not let you settle, even for them. They want to give you the best version of themselves. This is why separation exists. Separation is preparation for union. This is a divinely protected journey, it is bigger than just the two of you. The universe will move mountains to bring you together when the timing is right. When the timing is not right/you are not ready the universe will create obstacles to keep you apart. This is not your twin’s doing so there is no point in blaming them or rushing them. This is the universe keeping the connection safe until conditions are favorable. 
  20.  The twinflame connection is the whole package Spiritual. Emotional. Physical. Intellectual. Sexual. The relationship will fulfill you on all levels.The depth of the love and the connection will be beyond anything you have ever experienced. It is truly a divine connection and it will bring you closer to source.
  21.  You will find within yourself a greater capacity to love and forgive then you had ever imagined possible. You will find yourself a more loving and compassionate person for having known them which will improve all of your relationships.
  22.  Your twinflame enhances/enriches your life. You have a sense of being complete and whole in and of yourself.
  23.  Your ability to communicate with others will improve and your intuition/instincts will develop. You feel safe to express your needs/wants/desires. You will find that you can truly trust yourself. You will experience a sense of clarity and purpose.
  24.  There is space to grow and a sense of freedom within the relationship. A freedom to be yourself and to explore your own interests. They make your world feel bigger while still respecting your personal boundaries.
  25.  Your ability to manifest will dramatically increase especially when you are working toward the same goals. Life will feel magical and full of possibility.

Love Letter #32

Dear DM,

I want to write you old-fashioned pen on paper love letters (everything is love, when you are in love). I want to send you quirky postcards with blood red script and poems so raw they dissolve on your tongue. I want to tattoo your name and address onto kiss stamped envelopes, until the letters bleed into my fingers and eyes. For you I would fold myself into origami. For you I would wake fully each day. I don’t think you comprehend the risk of waking fully each day. What it would do to me to feel so much all at once.

If I knew you were watching I would make love with my eyes open. I would undress each moment like a lover and let it fill me till convulsion. For you I would crawl. Howl. Burn. I would feel everything. For you I would soak straight through the pages.

The first experience is always rushed. We are possessed. Unmoored. Wooden from fear. I want to lay roots in you. To drink of the minutia of my every day. I want to sew your delirious letters together and wear them like silk sheets. I want to get to know you, all of you. Write me. I want to eat you.

Sometimes I wonder if we have moved at all. Sometimes it feels as if I were made of air and that each time you draw a breath I am sucked into your body. Perhaps I am only that to you. A suggestion of fullness. A hapless transparency. A beautiful nothingness like the sky above water. When I am feeling neglected, immobile, frantic I disppear under the covers and I run my fingers over the sweater and I pretend that time has frozen just for me. In those moments I am truly immortal. In those moments I understand what it means to be erotic

With all that I am your DF

Call Me Moonstruck

(I start writing this last night, forgive the rambling incoherence)

My dreams have been very strange the last few nights. For example I dreamed of us together on a sofa breeding aliens in prescription bottles. There was another dream too, I got a name. I looked up the name online and found two accounts both empty and a word saudade which means- a deep emotional state of nostalgic or profound melancholic longing for an absent something or someone that one cares for and/or loves. I wondered if maybe you had an alias or if we were both missing each other at the same time.

I think about our journey everyday. I think about you every minute of everyday and it is as if my brain had the hiccups. I think about myself too and I can’t tell if I am running toward you or away from you. I only know that I want to be closer, much closer. Soul, skin, heart I crave your touch in every sense of the word. Mostly I think myself into tourniquets, into tight panicked circles that suffocate. At the moment I am having trouble thinking about anything, I have a headache, a heartache, a soulache. I am throbbing all over.

Today my hunger for you exceeded my compassion. For a moment I lost you to jealousy. It wasn’t anything substantiated, it was simply the thought of you with someone else. I forgot that you have your own journey. I forgot about your happiness. I wanted you to be here, to be mine, to speak the words that I have only dared to write.

This whole time deep down I believed that in order for you to love me I needed to become someone. That I needed to do something to prove myself your equal. That I needed to say something particular to unlock the secrets between us. As if those answers were external, problems to be solved. I kept myself busy trying to change your mind without even knowing what it was you had in mind. I was worried about how you might see me. I was scared that you would put me in a box. I didn’t want to be just another customer. I didn’t want to be another lovesick fan. I didn’t want to be a stranger. Yet these are the terms I used to define myself. These are also the terms I use to frighten myself back into reality. In defining myself in this way I put you into a box too.

I thought about my need to know what happens next in any given situation. I thought about all of the time I have wasted confirming my own beliefs at the expense of experience. I thought about how rare it is to make love. I thought about how almost all relationships end with one person saying “I don’t know you anymore.” when what they really mean is “Somewhere along the line I decided that comfort was more important to me than happiness.” I guess what I am saying is that there is a reason for the uncertainty, for the not knowing, for the indefinable nature of it all. We aren’t here to define each other. We aren’t meant to simply go through the motions. We are meant to discover each other every minute of everyday. And it is not just you that I am getting to know, it is myself. Myself more than anyone. We are awakening.

The love we feel, is proportional to the love we give ourselves. In order to feel loved we have to trust in our own capacity to love. We have to allow ourselves to love and to be loved in turn. Love is not something we have to earn, prove, or do. It is not about pursuing another person for the sake of attainment or attachment, it is about a desire to know oneself more intimately, a willingness to be vulnerable and open whatever the circumstances. At least that was the message I received today. Actually it is a message I have received many times but it contradicts everything I learned as a child. As a child I learned it was selfish to love oneself. I learned that relationships are stiff and heavy. I learned that men and women want very different things. I tried so hard to be chosen that I lost sight of myself in the process. My needs, wants, desires, my humanness became somehow taboo. There is a song by Depeche Mode “Somebody” which describes what I want pretty well.

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details

Someone who’ll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She’ll get my support

She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general

Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She’ll hear me out
And won’t easily be converted

To my way of thinking
In fact, she’ll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought
And with every breath

Someone who’ll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like

I don’t want to be tied
To anyone’s strings

I’m carefully trying to stay clear
Of those things

But when I’m asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly

Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I’ll get away with it

I wonder if I don’t actually want to be tied up by you, to be tangled up in you occasionally. I want to be myself and I want you to be yourself. To me that is freedom in the truest sense and still I think it is okay to be a bit messy, a bit complicated, a bit contradictory. I want monogamy and commitment.

Yesterday I made love to myself. It wasn’t masturbation because I was thinking of you. I pretended that you were there, inside of the sweater. It’s too big for me to wear really but every night I drape it over my naked body like a lover. I have washed it now, several times, but I remember the way it smelled. Before it smelled like me. I think that your hands must have touched it and I think of all the things I would like to do to your hands. I want to make love to your hands, I have a fetish.

Love Letter #30

Dear Dm,

The full moon approaches. I am raw with emotion. I am wild and inconsolable. My heart is crushed. Plush with want. Red. Red. Red. I want to see you with my fingertips. Skin on skin. Nails to flesh. Delicate. Criminal. I want to write poems on your body and then eat them one by one. I know you have sensed my anger. I have been screaming at you in my head like a crazy person. I want to take those words back if I can. I do believe in love, in our love, in my love, in your love. I want to fuck off this excess energy. To burn it all away. I want to set fire to you using only friction; the friction of our souls as they collide in dreams that trigger.

I dreamt that I travelled to you. I felt myself rise from the bed, move down the stairs, and then out into the cold night air. I saw the stars fly by me as I fell horizontally across the sky. I watched them melt under desire. I found myself crossing countries just to be with your for a moment in a white basement. I saw our faces together in a pane of glass, in a dark corner, and you held my eyes open as something invisible forced its way inside of me. Back in my bed you smoothed away my pain with your fingertips and I think I would have climaxed if I’d had a moment more. Is this how you feel when you travel to me?

You are quite literally pulling the soul out of my body. If we stay apart we are going to shake apart. Tug harder. Pop the stiches that hold me together and eat them one by one.

With all that I am your DF

Sweater

I am in love with the man of my dreams, literally. There is a very real man with the same name and the same face living in a very real city thousands of miles away. Speaking to him was like writing poetry, like making love to love itself, like a little death. Of course I kept this all to myself when we spoke, at least, I tried to. He sold me a sweater.

What can I say? I know that’s not what you want to hear. I know you want to hear about a passionate exchange filled with innuendos both nuanced and audacious and maybe it was so but then again maybe it wasn’t. I felt what I felt and what I felt was nuanced and audacious. I asked for signs and found them. He sold me a sweater and he thought whatever he thought. I was very pleased with the customer service. Months later and that initial spark has taken on a life of its own. Whatever I felt then not only still burns within me, it has grown.

Had it been a crush it would have been swallowed up in the chaos of the world, in the chaos of my life, in all my triumphs and failings. It would have been beautiful and fleeting. Had it been an obsession it would have burned itself to death and me along with it. I would have moved on. I would have starved for want of air. I would be working hand over fist to fill myself up with stars again. I would be dreaming about no one in particular just as before.

While there must be an element of obsession in it (unshakeable, incomprehensible, intense), obsession is a void, and what I feel is a becoming, a sense of wholeness. What I feel isn’t simply esoteric. I also want him in the animal sense of wanting. I feel him in my bones. Under my skin. Inside of me. Sexually. Emotionally. Spiritually.

I admit that I made a few awkward attempts to lure him into a conversation. Attempts which were either too subtle or too obvious. I can’t tell the difference. I found him sincere in some untouchable, inscrutable way that I cannot explain. He got to me, in a way no one ever has and there is nothing I could possibly say to rationalize it. He changed my life without doing anything, simply by existing. How could any other man hope to compete with that?

Technically that wasn’t the first time we met. I met him at the end of 2019. I use the term met very loosely. I came across his photograph online. A 10 year old photograph from his modeling days. I wasn’t looking for him specifically, I was just looking for inspiration for a character. I didn’t even know him (in any conscious sense of the world), it was just a coincidence. I wouldn’t deconstruct my life for the sake of a gorgeous exterior. I wouldn’t usually even deconstruct my life for the sake of a gorgeous interior. Yet that is exactly what happened when I saw him, bit by bit, moment by moment I started to reconstruct my life. Not for him but for the fire he awakened in me. The contents of my life have all fallen out. The too tight threads. The scabs and the scars. The bloody lump in my chest. The charred moths in my belly. The unloved child. The anarchistic teenager who swore she would never settle for anything short of extraordinary. The somehow still anarchistic adult with cobwebs like constellations in her hair. I have become all of me. I am no longer a series of disjointed dreams and memories spilling over with melancholia, I am a whole universe of feelings.

I want to tell you a living, breathing love story. The story of two imperfect people, with two perfectly delicious souls, coming together in extraordinary and incomprehensible ways. I want to tell you about my dreams, the coincidences, the conversations spoken in silence. I want to say. Believe. Believe. Believe.

If reality ran only surface deep then all we’d ever know of our hearts is hunger. It is all in the way we love. Eyes opened. Eyes closed. Lips parted. Lips set. Palms skyward. Fists clenched. Heart free. Heart caged. In the end I would rather be defined by love. If you are wondering I haven’t said anything to him about any of this, at least, I haven’t said anything out loud about it. I am trying to just enjoy the feelings, the dreams, the coincidences, the magic, the fact that he exists at all in this world, that he exists in me because of how I feel about him. I would love to talk to the real man, the man thousands of miles away, the man who sold me a sweater and changed my life. Maybe I do talk to that man everyday in my heart and every night in my dreams.