Rant?

Last night/this morning, I woke up hysterical (angry and sad). This has been happening a lot lately. Maybe I am purging. Forcing out all the metaphorical darkness, so that the metaphorical light can get in. I don’t particularly like the feeling of being cracked open. If only I knew how to relax before I hit the ground. If only I knew how to relax when things were gorgeous. If only I knew how to relax when things were mild and mundane. Which isn’t to say I can’t laugh or have fun. I laugh a lot and I have a marvelous penchant for the absurd but I’ve got a lot of nervous energy. I exercise and my muscles lock up so tight I end up with pinched nerves. I meditate and my mind, on finding itself expanding, slams shut and doubles over itself. I just don’t do vulnerability well. Defiance has been my strategy for survival and after all these years of relative peace I am still fighting, still boxing shadows.

When I masturbate I rarely imagine myself with another person. I imagine other people usually characters that I myself have invented (since I feel a bit weird about dragging real people into my fantasies) and not usually things I would even like to do myself. I don’t mean illegal things. I mean like threesomes. When I masturbate I want to feel but I don’t really want to be there because if I am there I am fighting against myself. Since I started the tf journey I have been able to incorporate myself a little more into my fantasies. In my book I even decided to make a slightly modified version of myself as the main character just so I could adapt to the concept of myself in a fantasy context.

I have pretty much been binge watching erotic movies the last few days. 50 Shades of Gray. Which I haven’t read. Which reminded me of high school when sad, vulnerable boys would talk about themselves as if they were monsters/as if they were dangerous because they were raised by monsters. And those same boys never seemed to grasp that I had my own darkness and that I’d known real life monsters and therefore could not be made to fear the fault lines in their very real and very functioning hearts. 365 Days which is incredibly intense and has an amazing, over the top sex scene. MILF (as a 40 year old woman I appreciated this film a lot) which has the most fantastic scene ever “Yes Master” it cracks me up and it’s sexy at the same time. That is what I want to have fun with sex. I want to capture that weird and illusive combination of playfulness, intensity, and comfortable in my own skin sex appeal which I just cannot seem to reproduce. Mostly it is the comfortable in my own skin bit that I struggle with because I am naturally playful and intense. Eliza and Marcela which has the most touching sex scene I have ever seen and which makes me understand more fully the sensuality and erotism of being fully present with another person. Duck Butter which made me cry buckets and which caused a different breakdown earlier in the week.

Do you ever feel like you are in the way? I feel that way all the time. In all my relationships but most especially in the relationship I have with myself. Even in my imaginary relationships apparently which is funny and also very frustrating. I am not going to write to you about how much I hate myself because I don’t actually hate myself. It’s not about hate. It probably has to do with fear. It probably has to do with the fact that my mom didn’t want a child to start and now every time we talk and things get real I feel her guilt for not wanting me. Or the fact that to my father women were just bodies. Or because my ex, even now, still frequently comments on my awful timing as if I were out of synch with the whole world all of the time. Or maybe because I receive more help than I give. Or because I really don’t know how to ask for help when it counts. And when I do manage I always end up feeling somehow more alone. Example I went to the doctor recently partly for myself and partly for the Unemployment Agency and after a significant internal struggle (because admitting you have issues and need help is not easy) I managed to get an appointment for a therapist. I poured my heart out to this woman only to have my follow-up cancelled through the mail because the Unemployment Agency changed their minds. Said therapist has a strange setup where she can call out but cannot receive calls. She works with referrals from Vårdcentral, so she only takes on referrals from a doctor. So in order to see her I would have to restart the whole bloody process again and I don’t have the energy, plus she gives up way too easily and I need a therapist with more grit. It took me weeks to work up the nerve to initiate the process in the first place. The thing is I told her I needed this for myself too, primarily for myself and that the Unemployment Agency was a secondary consideration for me and she said she understood that but she didn’t and she didn’t even call me to check if I wanted to proceed anyways. Well now I have gotten off topic but it is exasperating how difficult it is to get treatment for mental health issues.

Moving on. I heard a quote from 50 shades which I can’t remember verbatim but it was something along the lines of Life doesn’t get easier you just get to know yourself better. This is probably true. I want to get to know myself inside and out. I want to be myself. Basically this is the main thing I want in life. Only it’s hard to hear my heart over my constant mental chatter. Screaming. It’s more like screaming than chatter if I am being totally honest.

When I think about manifestation I get irrationally upset. I read a really good article about manifestation today. I understand that you can’t and/or shouldn’t place conditionals on your happiness. That there is a difference between needing and wanting something. That you might not always get what you think you want but that you often get what you need for your soul growth. I get that acquiring stuff doesn’t make you happy. I even get that another person, however fantastic, can’t make you happy. It’s true that a mentally healthy person is more likely to have a healthy, balanced relationship. It’s true that I do not always know what I want. It’s also true that I am human with a complex array of emotions and that I just can’t work out how to be positive all the time. Sometimes sure but not always. I have doubts. For some reason I seem to manifest more in a negative headspace than in a positive one and I guess it has to do with my subconscious conditioning. But since our brains are mostly programmed before the age of three and for me that was trauma time I feel woefully ill-equipped to manifest. I have spent a lot of time examining this programming and trying to built for myself a healthier system of beliefs but I am struggling.

I just don’t know how to get out of my own way because it’s my life and I am invested in it. I mean Depression aside I really like the idea of having a life and going on adventures. I still have a few embers burning. I get the importance of an open mind and I would like to be more laid back, less of a low-functioning type A sort of person. I really don’t care how I become financially secure just that I do and just so it’s moral. But when it comes to a person. I just can’t see people as interchangeable. If I were just looking for love in a general sense then sure it makes sense to be open-minded and talk to a lot of different people, to date and experiment until you find what fits. But what if you like someone in particular? Humans view themselves as individuals. I believe we are all connected. I feel that connection with some people more than others but even when I don’t feel it I still know that it exists. That’s comforting but not always practically accessible/applicable I can’t just exchange DM in my heart with someone else.

I am sure other people can make me laugh. I am sure I can have delightful conversation with any number of people and god knows I am in need of good conversation. I am sure I could love others in various ways because there are various forms of love. Friendship for example. Theoretically there are probably even people with whom I am sexually/romantically compatible but if I can’t give them all of me because my heart is invested elsewhere what’s the point? I know how to bring myself to orgasm, it’s not like I just need another body that I can place in the vicinity of my body. So I am stuck. I am just stuck. How do you manifest a specific person, not just love in general? Is this possible or are we just that interchangeable from the perspective of the universe? If this is so if we are all just divine Legos then why do we feel so compelled to certain people? Why should I create a totally generic experience for myself when I am endeavoring to lead an authentic life?

As much as I love poetry I don’t know if I would love it more as a career or as a hobby or if it would be equally gratifying. I concede to my ignorance. I concede that I am not that objective. But there are some things that feel deep down and I was to explore them. For example I know poetry is a part of me and that I want it in my life. I want to read it and I want to write it. I know that I want to be myself. I know that I am tired of twisting myself into knots trying to be the best version of myself. I want to be the best version and the worst version. I want to be all the versions of myself. I want them to coexist peacefully. Fuck perfect. Come as you bloody are. I know that I am in love with DM. I know that I want to get to know him. I know I want to take a chance, that love is worth the risk, broken heart or not. I know that I want him in all ways. Even if he’s a far cry from the version I carry around within me. I don’t expect him to heal me or to make me happy. I just want to get to know the man. I want to have experiences with him. All kinds of experiences. I am not finished experiencing him. I want to keep going.

Love Letter #29

Dear DM,

There are so many things I want to say to you. I want to make you smile, cry, blush, laugh, feel as I felt the first time I wrote to you. I want to make you feel the way I feel every time I think of you. Which is to say I want you to feel everything all at once, the human heart beyond capacity, the soul hunger that supersedes all thought. I wish I could share with you even a tenth of what I feel but no single language, taken individually or together, could contain it. Some things just have to be experienced. Speaking of which I have senses dedicated solely to the experience of you, senses which awakened with the realization of you.

My whole life I have been writing stories about other people, for other people. You make me want to write my own story. Not only to write as I have done but to live in the present tense. Sometimes I wish I could remember our histories, the miles we have traveled, the spaces we have occupied, the millennia we have lived. If I could only remember what it was to have you in my life, in all ways, in the everyday way I might not doubt quite so much what the future holds. I am full of doubts. These great cobwebs of the mind which catch up all my thoughts and feelings and suck them dry. I am scared to hope. Scared to lose all that we might be together.

Not long ago you were in my bed, in my dreams, our faces close together. I listened with my whole being and still I cannot for the life me translate what you said. I listened so hard that I surrendered all that I would say and the opportunity to say it just to know you more completely in that moment. I guess what I am saying is I want to get to know you. I am interested. Between us there can be no judgement, only freedom. I am naked. You see me.

With all that I am your DF

Love Letter #10

Dear DM,

We were together again last night in our dreams. I saw you. I felt you. You were forthcoming. I was a deer in headlights. I saw you past, soon to be present, and future. I have always loved you. Always.

I had a beautiful tarot reading today. A reading about union. I am proud of all that you have achieved. You have nothing to make up to me. You’ve done nothing wrong. Today while looking at your photograph and listening to music I cried. My emotions are flowing again. My fear is gradually giving way to excitement. I realize everything happens in cycles. The up and the down. The back and the forth. It is all part of the process. I understand the need for patience but being patient is another matter entirely! I am not exactly impatient at the moment. I am not really sure what I am. I know only that I am grateful for every last moment, what has been, what is, what shall be. I am just ridiculously in love with you and I really can’t make sense of anything at all. For the moment I don’t need to make sense of it. I am just living it you know?

With everything I am your DF

Love Letter 4

Dear DM,

I have been living my life as though you were absent. I wait for you and in waiting I sometimes forget that you are already inside of me, soul-same. I dream of the day that you occupy my life, as you now occupy my thoughts and dreams. I have never been patient. Waiting is torture. So I have decided that I must live my life as if you were already here. I mean this in a philosophical sense of course. Who do I want to become? What do I want to do in this moment just as it is? I can only live the life in front of me.

I no longer want to be defined by my past. That is a life lived and re-lived countless times. Who will manifest my future if there is no one to occupy my present? I have operated so long from a mindset of scarcity. I am occupied with your absence but what if I were occupied instead by your beautiful existence?

I want to look at you as if you were the only person in the world, to be with you fully in each moment, to experience fully each and every second of our journey even the breaths between. There is a saying I really like “Music is the silence between the notes.” Claude Debussy. Without the silence music is only noise. Life would be noisy, unbearable, deafening without the occasional pause. We rarely speak in moments of wonder. In moments of wonder we feel with the totality of our being. I want to feel you from the bottom of my soul. I invite you into my life, into my bed, into my heart, into my soul, into all that I am. To savor you fully I will learn to savor everything. I will learn to love all that I know (including the silence) and all that I am so that I can love you more deeply. I’ll learn to listen. I’ll make space. I’ll become music.

With everything I am your DF

Love Letter 3

Dear DM,

Every moment is filled with you. Moments I didn’t even know myself to possess. It is if every day I discovered within myself another sense, another muscle, another feeling. My life before you must have been one of atrophy and decay. Now I am alive. Now I am awake. I am drunk with feelings, with life, with a new found innocence. Every inch of my soul is inundated with you. Whenever I close my eyes I feel you deep inside of me. How can we occupy two different bodies? How can our lives go on being separate? In my heart nothing is separate. In my heart you are whole. When I first began meditating I pictured myself handing my heart to you. Not my physical heart but my energetic heart. Mine is green like spring. Yours is blue and electric. Your energetic heart now beats inside of my chest. I shouldn’t ask for more. How dare I? My body craves you. My instincts crave you. You are driving me insane.

It has to be you. How can it not be you? I am sure you have many questions. I am sure you need reassurance and I know there must be moments when the signs are not enough to satisfy your curiosity/your fear/your corporeal needs. If you ask I will answer. This love is real and so am I for that matter.

Last night I had a cute dream about you. A memory from another life perhaps? I will relay it now in summary. We were teenagers. I had made up my mind to make friends. I had spent some time with one of my classmates (?) in her home and she invited me to hang out with her clique. I am not sure I made much of an impression on the group. The whole encounter rang rather false. I remember slipping into a cafe and finding you there at the counter. We decided to get lunch. You asked me about my type. I named 2 girls (no faces come to mind and I can’t remember the names). I was worried that you would think I only liked girls so I tried to think quickly of my type in the masculine sense but all I could think of was you in the present tense. In the dream I was both in the present and the past. You took my hand and we ran through cobblestone streets. I remember lampposts with flowers and big gates that exist only in renditions of heaven. I must have been wearing a cumbersome dress because I couldn’t run properly. We stopped behind a tree. You were very sweet, eager, and charming and I could not understand why I was so taken in by you. I held your face cupped between my palms. I was amazed by your interest. I dream about you often. Every night. I feel you as I lie awake in bed. My other self. My beloved self. My exceptional self.

PS) I have always wanted to write love letters. How am I doing so far?

With everything that I am your DF

Love Letter 2

Dear DM,

Today I will dispense with metaphors and pretty words. Just for now. Just because I am feeling frustrated and confused and in desperate need of something tangible. I am frustrated with myself. I am feeling stuck and I don’t know how to unstick myself. It’s hard letting go of the past. I want to become someone new. Not myself. Not, not myself. I want to grow beyond the limitations of my ego but I just can’t work out how to do it. 

I have had some time to think since this morning. I am feeling better now. When we remain true to ourselves the right people and the right opportunities appear at the right time. I keep trying to become someone for the sake of “doing something” for the sake of “being something” for the sake of “fitting neatly into misshapen spaces”. Just when I think I am finally “being” I catch myself “doing” the wrong things sometimes for the right reasons, sometimes for the wrong reasons, sometimes for no reason at all. Why must I overcomplicate everything? I don’t know what the hell I am doing if I am being honest (and having read this I don’t know what I am talking about either). It occurs to me that one can’t let go of the past from a place of resentment/anger. Those emotions are close-fisted/incarcerating. If I want to let go of the past I have to open my hands/unlock the doors/open the windows, I speak now of gratitude and forgiveness and I can’t help but feel that they are the key to unlocking all the doors within me. Maybe loneliness doesn’t come from having too little of someone or something, maybe loneliness comes from having too much/from not making time/room for oneself/from filling up one’s space and time with somethings and someones. Maybe loneliness is a call of celebration, a celebration of the freedom of self, of genuine expression. As queer and lovely as that sounds I still want to hold you. I want to give you my undivided attention, to lie awake for hours experiencing you on every level.

Once again I find my letters full of abstractions. The whole point of this letter was to admit my ignorance. I don’t know everything dear one. I know only that I love you and that underneath my knowing and my ignorance I always have within me a profound sense of you.

With everything that I am your DF

Love Letter

Dear DM,

I am composed of two people. Me and you. I sometimes forget that our lives are still separate because within my heart we are already living as one. I find in the shadows such a wondrous sense of expectancy. I lie awake at night staring into the darkness and I imagine us lying face to face breathing in the silence. Sometimes your presence has the texture and weight of a man. Sometimes I find myself inexplicably in your arms. The only time I feel real/grounded/safe is when I am surrounded by you. I wonder if you ever find me in reflection? 

Sometimes I think my heart is too human to be conduit for divine love. I am still learning what it means to love unconditionally. I am still selfish and needy.

I touch myself and at these times I am almost too afraid to think of you. I am afraid that you will hear me screaming your name in the animal quiet of my possessed mind. I wait until the last minute to feel you, to see you, to realize you fully. I wait until creation spills from my shaking thighs. I wait until I am vulnerable, malleable, broken. No matter how intense the orgasm, my need remains volatile and intact. I am not sure that I will ever know “true release” by my own hands again. I imagine you fucking me after I have fucked myself. I want to bury your face between my thighs and let my passion pass into you like a fjord. I beg and beg and beg and I am not ashamed.

I want to lie flush against you and to feel your heat and weight close over me like a wave. Hold me until I learn to breathe water, until I begin to flow as water, until my walls deliquesce. I’ll live my truth. I’ll savor the anticipation. I’ll surrender. I’ll love you gently. I’ll love you obsessively. I’ll give of myself selflessly. I’ll covet you. I’ll remain wild. I’ll let you pin me down and kiss me until your taste becomes inextricable from my own. I’ll dance. I’ll dream.  I’ll love you until my ego falls away and I become the very embodiment of love.

With everything that I am your DF

Preview of the Wordle

Wordle 203

I anchor myself
to your tumultuous frame,
a little sea forming
between my thighs.
Your potent root,
wet with hunger,
searches deep.

In the inanition of darkness
you set fire to my skin.
I rock against you,
a shell of craving,
of curt, ravenous whispers.

Your touch summons me
from the sheets;
back-carving contortions,
a bridge of exaltation.
A beautiful dream
of flowers wasting beneath
two carnivorous satellites,
I promise to love you after
just as now.

I can feel
your startled breath
tickling my face.
Your mouth
cherry blossom-soft
presses against my mouth
and one by one
all my beautiful words
fall to pieces
in the swagger of your smile.

Pull me under the water
like a whirlpool
with your unruly tongue.
Kiss me until
the air melts
from my lungs.
Go wild in me,
shake the doubt
from my immaculate heart.

Your pulse swells
with every gulp,
a crescendo of heat
and thunder.
Stars detonate
in milky hollows
and we are remade
an atom at a time.
I nod in and out
of consciousness,
blueprints converging.
I find my soul pinned
to the constellations
of your scared, hungry eyes.

Wishes

I want to live in a world where magic exists and dreams can be made manifest. I want to revolutionize love.  I want to love and be loved in kind. I want to have sex with abandon. I want to come into union with myself. I want to be in union with my other half. I want to be myself. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to be more like water. I want to dance with the journey. I want to live with passion. I want to write with passion. I want to dream beautiful moments into being. I want to follow my heart. I want to heal and forgive. I want to surrender. I want to open my heart and my mind to new experiences. I want to laugh until I cry. I want to cry when I mean it. I want to smile so much that when I am old everyone will know that I chose joy and gratitude as my default.

Wordle #184

Word Art (7)

She sat down in his lap
distributing her weight
evenly across his thighs.
She kissed him first.
Switchblade grin.
Moderate pressure.
A succession
of lingering open-mouthed kisses
deepening with each application.
She would later blush at her initiative.
Modesty rendered gaunt in hindsight.
He stood up with her body
twisted around his torso,
his hands on her buttocks.
Still kissing.
He laid down with her on top of him.
He could feel the pulse
in her jugular vein
when he moved to suck her neck.
He felt it pass into him.
Felt the rhythm of her blood sinking lower,
filling him to capacity.
He threw her wavy hair back
and took hold of her face with both hands.
Scraps of personalia ingested
with every breath that he pried
from her searching mouth.
Her soul was chartreuse.
His soul Robin’s Egg blue.
A dream to surround them both.
A dream poignant enough
to cut the world wide open.
He would wake tasting her.
She would wake marked
with his arousing scent.

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