Love Letter #30

Dear Dm,

The full moon approaches. I am raw with emotion. I am wild and inconsolable. My heart is crushed. Plush with want. Red. Red. Red. I want to see you with my fingertips. Skin on skin. Nails to flesh. Delicate. Criminal. I want to write poems on your body and then eat them one by one. I know you have sensed my anger. I have been screaming at you in my head like a crazy person. I want to take those words back if I can. I do believe in love, in our love, in my love, in your love. I want to fuck off this excess energy. To burn it all away. I want to set fire to you using only friction; the friction of our souls as they collide in dreams that trigger.

I dreamt that I travelled to you. I felt myself rise from the bed, move down the stairs, and then out into the cold night air. I saw the stars fly by me as I fell horizontally across the sky. I watched them melt under desire. I found myself crossing countries just to be with your for a moment in a white basement. I saw our faces together in a pane of glass, in a dark corner, and you held my eyes open as something invisible forced its way inside of me. Back in my bed you smoothed away my pain with your fingertips and I think I would have climaxed if I’d had a moment more. Is this how you feel when you travel to me?

You are quite literally pulling the soul out of my body. If we stay apart we are going to shake apart. Tug harder. Pop the stiches that hold me together and eat them one by one.

With all that I am your DF

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Whirligig 1

1 Whirl

I have a suitcase full of birdsongs
and parables that shave fathoms
from the cracks in my cardiac skeins.
However, careful I keep running
into the same exhausted disputes.

Your smile is only a shrug,
and I think I might have missed it.
When I have had enough
I am sure to want for something else,
this is what it means to be human.

Fruit of God, fruit proffered by Lucifer
I eat of your sodden flesh
but my eyes do not open.
Surely there can be no crime
in a trusting nature, in a chance given.
I am a war, two feet pounding the earth.
Who, if not myself, can I save?

I wasn’t sure I’d be able to write today. Those of you who read my blog regularly know that I suffer with PTSD. One of my triggers is waking to find someone standing at my bedroom door or waking to find that someone has entered my bedroom unexpectedly (my dad used to sneak into my room and molest me). I am a fairly light sleeper and so often I hear my daughter when she gets up well before she gets to our room. On hearing her I wake and I remind myself as she approaches that it is only Isadora. I still feel a sense of dread/agitation but so long as I am awake I can keep my shit reasonably together. The problem is when I don’t hear her coming up, when I am in a dead sleep and all of a sudden the door opens. That happened last night. I totally lost it. I was in a very deep sleep and I couldn’t even open my eyes though I could clearly hear someone was in the room. In my mind it felt like I was in a very long tunnel and I was fighting to reach the light at the end. I heard a scream, a horrible scream but I didn’t know I was the one screaming and so I started screaming louder. My heart was pounding, I was sweating profusely, and my whole body just filled with adrenalin. I was honestly terrified, it wasn’t a normal fear, it was a bone-scrapping, blood-curdling terror. I lay in bed for a while sort of trapped in a nightmare. When I did get up to go to the bathroom I felt extremely dizzy, I couldn’t even stand. The dizziness and the adrenalin sickness has continued all day. I was able to talk to Isadora this morning about what happened. It has happened before and she seems to understand that I am not screaming at her, that I am not angry or anything.