Love Letter #14

Dear DM,

I apologize for not writing yesterday. I started but I never really got anywhere with it. Yesterday’s bad mood seems to be bleeding into today. Only today I don’t have quite the stamina to support it. I am just forlorn. I don’t use that word often. I am not sure if I have ever applied it to myself even but today it fits. I need to retreat, to go inward, and find some clarity. At the moment my thoughts are quite virulent and I am reluctant to share them (they are just too dark). I don’t know anything. I am just hoping that it is one of those times in life where it gets darkest before the breakthrough. I could really use a breakthrough. A sign. Progress. Something vibrant and tangible. I have to forgive myself but I will start by apologizing to you. I apologize for pushing you away. I apologize for encroaching into your 3D life but I know that it is only a half-hearted apology because deep down I really did want to talk to you. I don’t regret talking to you but I do regret if my desire to do so made you uncomfortable. Now I have to work on myself. Now I have to figure out what surrender really means because nothing I have read about the concept makes any sense and it is so contrary to the way I live. I struggle. I create sad stories and scenarios because otherwise I don’t know how to get the emotions out. I only seem to understand anything when it has been written down. I don’t even understand my own thoughts until I bleed them. I don’t like silence. I see silence as a weapon. I would rather have a knife. A knife in the heart. A knife in the back. Silence is unbearable. A knife can be pulled out, the wound can be stitched. How does one heal silence? So now I have to turn inward and become as still and silent as I can be. I have to learn how to love myself, how to be everyone and everything for myself.

With everything I am your DF

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Winter Sun

wintersun

1

The sun slips

In and out

At intervals

Too capricious

To conclude

I thrust my fingers

Into her golden veil

Just as it disseminates

Into a fretful ruse

2

My lips are a canoe

Aimlessly meandering

Through pools of gloom

I paint my face silver

And flit through the night

An uncompanionable visitor

3

My vitality depends

Upon her yellow light

Which hides oft behind

A silentious drizzle

=

Looking at the grey sky I can’t help but miss sunshine

Cautiously Violent

Self_Harm_by_mindCollision

A viperous cape,

This stale room

With its chalky air

Divests resolve

In the dark,

Cautiously violent

I wait for furious shades

To absolve

*

Carmine is

The consequence

Of silence

A pacifist, I refuse

To partake in any war

For which I

Do not occupy

Both sides

Independently

*

(I don’t self-harm so I was a little surprised that I wrote this. I think it might have to do with my stress level which is very high at the moment. My therapist decided today that she would like to transfer me to a psychiatrist in the hospital. I won’t be hospitalized or anything it is just that they have more resources and can handle patients with greater needs. She thinks my childhood was too traumatic (honestly she seemed scared when I told her not of me but my past really seemed to shock her)? She can’t make diagnoses either should I have something diagnosable. She is very nice and although I understand intellectually it still unnerves me. I mean really unnerves me. I like her and  I still find it very challenging and stressful to hit my appointments. A new person eeeekkkkk)

Deadlock

crowlegs

I’ve mapped the stars through inversion

The reflection of a deadlocked pool

Superficially favoring a change of course

*

This love accumulating over time

Has grown exponentially more exhausting

I suffer from neither contrition nor objection

Only the unshakeable conviction

That “I” as the subject have died

*

So much of your heart remains uninhabited

Immaculate white rooms with no juxtaposition

We sleep with our backs facing, crepuscular eyes

Seeking truce in a bilateral quarantine

*

I find you in the belly of false stones

Unable to extract a single door or window

From your departure, the fireplace

Winks knowingly from across the room,

There is no heat left in her body,

Only hypotheticals