Dear Me

Dear Me,

Today has been an emotional day. I guess you could say it is one of those pivotal moments in life where everything you knew or thought you knew gets turned inside out. I’ve been writing about my twinflame journey for months now. In that time very little had changed for me in the 3D. I had focused most of my efforts in the 5D. My dreams have been simply out of this world. Then suddenly there was a change. The man I believed to be my twin (will call him A to avoid confusion) popped up in my Telegram contact list (before you get too excited about it we have not exchanged a single word). I took it to mean something. I wanted it to mean something. Finally there was an open door between us. I did not jump at the opportunity. I waited. I gave him space. I followed the advice of the “experts” if there even is such a thing as an expert on the subject. A is still in my contacts on Telegram (atm) but something did change in the 3D. I am not ready to open up about it just yet but it has brought something to my attention, a possibility I just had not been prepared to face. A is not my twinflame. A is simply a man. A man I do not know. A man who is not interested in me and that should have been very clear to me and might have been had I been a little more experienced, a little more rational, a little less smitten. I am not angry with A. It wasn’t his fault I got my signals crossed. He did not lead me on. He did not “seduce” me. He did not lie to me. I do feel regretful for how I behaved. It was an honest mistake but it still probably did result in some discomfort and inconvenience for him which I am pretty broken up about at the moment. There is not really anything I can do about that. I can’t really apologize because that would draw it out and add to the discomfort/weirdness that already exists. I want to make it clear I have not been sending him messages or anything. Nothing like that for nearly a year. So it was nothing overt like that, it was only an accident. A stupid, grade-school girl level accident after nearly a year of complete silence. At this point all I can do is let go of the image I had of DM. I have to release A so I can discover the truth, however, painful that truth might be.

Right now that is mainly where I am grieving the loss of that clarity, of that person to which I had ascribed so much meaning and potential. Who is full of meaning and potentional certainly but whose life is and ever will be seperate from my own. I really had very little that was clear to me and now, at least, concerning this journey everything is hidden behind a very dense veil.

I might be my own twinflame. This whole journey might just be my subconscious’ ingenious way of healing trauma. I can’t say why my mind decided to involve someone in that process, perhaps it was as simple as comfort. It can be quite painful to think of undertaking a difficult journey alone. It makes me think of that research experiment with the baby monkeys. In the experiment the babies who were given a terry cloth mother to cuddle did better than the babies who were given only food. In the end the experiment was really very cruel because the monkeys were forced to choose between their “surrogate mother” and food. They chose their “surrogate mother” and starved to death. Humans aren’t much different. We all want love and comfort. We are social creatures. So I can’t really even blame my brain for concocting this elaborate love story. It chose someone with whom I could not form an actual connection, someone with whom my illusion could be maintained for a longer period of time. I did manage to heal quite a lot in the process just the same. I also learned that I have a tremendous imagination. I have struggled even to hold an erotic image in my head for masturbation when I am awake so maybe this is a way a way of breaking down that blockage to allow me to create more freely and authentically even when I am awake and ego-bound. There are obviously still things I cannot explain. Signs I have received. This I can’t quite see as products of my overactive imagination since they occurred in the external world and were outside of myself. Then again I suppose there might be magic of a sort in this world. Magic because I wished for it and whatever the outcome for a while I did find it.

Of course there is a possibility I have a twinflame who is, for whatever reason, withholding their identity. Since their identity is unknown I gave them one or they gave me one simply to have a face and a name. I did not know about twinflames to start so it wasn’t something I was seeking out. It will be hard to let go of the notion since I am a hopeless romantic but I think I do need to broaden my horizons even more.

I have no idea why I reacted to A’s picture the way I did, in such an atypical and unpreceded way. It is possible to have feelings for someone that doesn’t like you back and not be mistaken. I suppose it was just that I felt something. I had feelings. Now though I need to let go of those feelings and I need to be open to receiving love. Reciprocal love. I am not ready to hit the dating sites yet I have to grieve first. Maybe my twinflame is out there somewhere with a face and name his/her own. Maybe my twinflame exists only in my dreams and if so I hope that they will tell me so.

If ever A (Axel Miraton) comes across this I am truly sorry for being such a pest. I sincerely hope you have a gorgeous life! Goodbye but not good riddance. Also thanks for the inspiration!

For now my only twinflame is myself. I am going to get to know me. To love me. To forgive me. Maybe someone will enter my life someday. I am open to that possibility. I will be eventually, at least. For now I am going to choose that which sustains me rather than the illusion of comfort.


To My Sleepless Selves

I wrote this letter using simple language in the hopes of reaching those aspects of myself which may still be children. The pronouns were a struggle so there may be some mistakes.

Dear Sleep Deprived Selves,

Let’s talk about the sleep situation. We need sleep, particularly deep sleep if we are to function socially, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Our life is different now, we are safe and in good company. I am an adult now and I am capable of defending myself (Sam has our back if we should require reinforcements).

I am no longer afraid of our father. I am strong and I am brave enough to face my fears (though please let’s take it one step at a time). Speaking of our father he is dead now and can no longer hurt us. Our father was human though he did not always seem as such. It can be said that he lived his whole life crippled by fear and addiction. I have chosen a different path and in so doing I have created a better life for all of us. I am proud of how far we’ve come. The road here wasn’t easy but we’ve had help along the way. Some days I am even happy. Some days I don’t even think about the trauma because I am too busy living/experiencing the present or planning for the future. I hope that you too get to experience happiness and a sense of independence/freedom. We can only achieve this in harmony, not in conflict, but as a cohesive whole.
Whether or not we sleep the memories/nightmares will still come (our father will never come again while we sleep).  But if we’ve slept we will be better equipped to face those traumas and better equipped to move forward with our lives. We deserve to be alive and to have a good life. Repeat that a few times until it sinks in. Repressing the memories doesn’t work either, believe me I’ve tried.
I want to live more consciously, I am ready to live more consciously. The guilt and shame belong with our father, it’s time we stop punishing ourselves for his crimes. We’ve made our own mistakes since and we will make mistakes again but whatever else we’ve done/failed to do remember that we found the courage to stand up to our father and the courage to ask for and create a better, healthier life for ourselves and those we love. We made it out alive. We have succeeded too, we’ve achieved things we were told impossible.
Our father’s definition of a man, proved inaccurate and since then we have met real men, good men. We married a good man. We are loved. We are important. Let’s combine our strengths and work together to strengthen our weaknesses. Let’s live together knowing that we now have the freedom to make our own choices, the freedom and security to sleep deeply/soundly every night.
Sleep Deprived

Wordle #63 “Exorcism”

Week 63

A crucifix pinned between the eyes,

A testimony paid your grotesqueries.

I shrug you off a surge at a time,

The rancor effervescing in the cavern

That once furnished a more cromulent smile.

I turn you out over and over again,

A reel crooning in the hexagon

Of an unissued resolve,

You are the darkness in which I feast

The terse noncommittal heart

Exorcised in the shadows of my own.

I gather my tears, viscous on settling,

Into the folds of your unwashed clothes.

A madness shared grows exponentially

And there is hardly a breath between us

Worth the sacrifice it would take to survive.

Even when face to face your void drinks me.





Blood is a paradox

Contested but essential

To the machine


I don’t regret it,

Being born

Despite the cruelty

That you concede

I’ve outgrown that life

That limp-fisted agony

Dusk no longer

Accelerates my fears

I am priceless

However flawed


I saw my new therapist the other day. I answered questions about my childhood without crying but when I talked about my current struggles with worth I just started balling. I was so taken off guard I actually looked aroud to see where the noise was coming from. Sorry for the dark topic on Christmas but the therapy session left impressions.

Yard Sale

photo0703Photograph by: Howanxious

Your covetous hands undress

My possessions with creased

Dollar bills. A callous scythe

An arbitrary ellipse, you have

No regard for my anachronistic

Sentimentality. It’s been two

Years, time to scrub the chalk

From the hardwood floors


There goes my spleen plucked from

A backless picture frame and there

Lies my inky heart tucked into the

Sensational headlines of a failed

Marriage. Inside that shoe box a

Pair of testicles, never been used. Had

They been, perhaps I wouldn’t be sitting

Here knitting sweaters for all the unborn

Children imprinted inside my sterile womb


Swinging from my neck a fiend’s tongue

Noose, words exchanged, blighted by

Expletives and expectations of psychic

Servitude, turns out that two incompletes

Impoverish exponentially. Turns out that

I was not the mistress of his moonlit

Engagements, that honor I’m afraid

Goes to my sneak thieving sister


You’ll find me piecemeal in every

Purchase, a torn fingernail, a raven

Hair pinched off rootless, a failed

Leukocyte. Sometimes we shatter

And for a dime you can cash in on

My sideshow holocaust, better

Still take it all free of charge


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