How do you “human”?

What I am about to write to you is deeply personal and also humiliating.

As many of you know, I moved recently. I am currently living with a male friend in the Northern part of Sweden. I had hoped to start a relationship with him. I have tried to start a relationship with him and sometimes it seems as if we are in a relationship already. We’ve been living together for about a month now. We share a bed. We often sleep naked together. We’ve kissed. We’ve done many different sexual things but we have not had penetrative sex. Despite frequent erections and a lot humping (humping he initiates) he does not want to have penetrative sex with me. Despite telling me he loves me and spending hours and hours a day with me and alluding occasionally to marriage he has no romantic interest in me whatsoever. I have never met anyone like this and so it’s been really hard for me to understand that he just doesn’t have “feelings” for me. I still don’t understand. Realistically given all the opportunities and my clearly indicating a desire for sex the fact that we haven’t yet means only one thing: He doesn’t want to have sex with me and if he doesn’t want to under these conditions he’s never going to want it. He’s just not attracted to me. Sometimes he says he is very interested in me (the whole me) and sometimes he expresses that he just doesn’t see me in that way. He loves me but he’s not in love with me. He’s not going to fall in love with me like they do in rom coms. I know that at some point I am going to have to put myself out there and start dating. I am obviously hoping to find a partner who has both sexual and romantic interest in me. I had that in my marriage but it seems impossible that lightning should strike the same person twice. The problem is that for me, given my feelings, I am not able to see him as just a friend and I cannot even fathom the pain of him dating when he finally meets someone. He has been really supportive through a very difficult time in my life and I have been impossible and crazy lately. I don’t want to lose him and the beautiful friendship we’ve created but knowing myself I will just keep setting myself up for rejection again and again. I will just keep hoping. How do I navigate this situation? How do I get my sexual needs met in a way that doesn’t compromise my heart too much? Masturbation just isn’t enough I want that human connection. I also want that emotional connection and a relationship which can evolve and deepen and potentially lead to marriage. There were so many wonderful things about being married about being in a very close relationship with another person. I miss that. Is that wrong?

Wordle #249 “preview”

Two days

could be

the difference

between sterility

and an eternity

well spent.

We could live

or we could

sit together

backs turned

plotting out

an exact course.

I want to get lost

with you, in you.

I want firsts not rehearsals,

clumsy conversations

awkward hands,

clothes that break away

like wrapping paper

at Christmas.

Leave out the punctuation,

the mind fuckery,

the lists of possible complications.

For once in your life

fail to be perfect.

I want a celebration

a communion,

a moment with you

which hasn’t been

set in stone,

ear-marked,

twisted like a strand of hair

around a school girl’s finger.

Leave your scent,

your fingerprints,

forget everything

but the exclamation.

You are patient.

I am fire.

My freedom

cannot be exchanged

for ambiguity,

for a 100 gallant promises

repeatedly broken.

If you would have me

then you’ve only

to speak the words

loud enough

that I can hear them.

https://mindlovemiserysmenagerie.wordpress.com/2021/07/12/wordle-249/

Wordle #244- Introduce Yourself

You are like the ghostly green penumbra

of a firefly on a damp Southern night.

Haunting and nebulous

I watch you pass into my dreams

with saintly restraint.

Your heart partially undressed

as you hold the door open

for me to follow you

to places inscrutable.

Behind your smile,

a kind of prayer

upturned and quixotic.

I love you until it burns.

My bare breasts sink

into your plaintive microcosm.

Your smooth

animal warmth

falling in waves

around me.

Your cautious tongue,

your misplaced hands

swirling the ether

within and without.

Once I had a name for you

(I called you Axel, DM)

Once I had a name for us

(I called us twinflames)

a name to coalese and clarify

but now I see that

we are altogether new.

Now I call you

DL

(introduce yourself)

Dream Lover

Down Low

because you

are a secret

because you

are a mystery

Divine Liason

because you

connect me

to something

bigger

than I am alone.

I am so RUSTY also very emotional today so gibberish?

Wordle #225 “Lure”

He snarls into her breasts

and inhales the scent

of the man who came

before him.

He is crazy about her

and she knows it.

His heart goes

back and forth,

noose-heavy,

a cuckold.

He doesn’t cry

as he once did.

Not outloud.

Not in private.

He takes pleasure

in his own precedence;

in the way she returns

without repenting;

in her animal scent;

in their corrosive repertoire.

It’s become a game.

They speak in dark whispers

about dark deeds and he detects

in her mischievous pulse

a strange aversion to love.

Deep down she knows

that she would rather

be here with him

in this basement bound

than above ground scavenging.

Her body is a ruse.

Her smile is ambidextrous.

She swallows

crows and stiff-legged lures.

She swallows men by the dozen.

She swallows them whole.

Hollow as a crescent

he owns her.

She laughs and he thinks

the sound is like dry leaves

rustling in an intermittent blast.

She laughs and he thinks

of stars in water,

and of asphalt in summer heat.

Her thighs slide apart

dangerous and wet.

He enters her like a muse,

bible-heavy,

he begets her

again and again and again.


For: https://mindlovemiserysmenagerie.wordpress.com/2021/02/01/wordle-225/

Love Letter #21

Dear DM,

Your smile reaches deep

between my thighs.

Eyes, soul-searching,

just shy of the nadir.

Your cool, indecent breath

against my skin.

Petal-soft and plump enough to eat

you pursue me like a gift.

The touch of your words

is inaudible and incendiary.

I fuck your face gently,

the tip of your tongue,

the secret language of lovers.

(it is all French to me)

An avalanche of milky stars,

of endearments tossed

into a covetous flame.

I am breaking beneath

the pressure of your hands

holding my knees apart.

The pearl between your teeth

my pulse strong, 

back-breaking, sacrilegious.

It’s not god’s name I’m calling.

Let’s take our time.

Let’s lose sight

of all the nothings between.

Let’s become a single entity.

There is no part of you

that I do not want to take

intimately and as my own.

There is no part of me

that I would not surrender

to you whole.

I want you to leave marks

so that when the sun comes

I will find within those

bruised constellations

a means of returning

to heaven through you.

With all the I am you DF

Wordle #207

The vale ossifies.

My voiceless eyes well with tears

sharp as pine needles.

A summit of pain

my heart shimmers, mirror-grey

and ineffable.

My bruised ego sinks

on reflection, wet-black boot

extended skyward.

I swing back and forth,

ropes tearing at my ankles,

an in-human scythe.

A walk across fields

of stars, a dream-given

change of perspective.

This poem was influence by The Hanged Man image on tarot cards.

Preview of the Wordle

Wordle 203

I anchor myself
to your tumultuous frame,
a little sea forming
between my thighs.
Your potent root,
wet with hunger,
searches deep.

In the inanition of darkness
you set fire to my skin.
I rock against you,
a shell of craving,
of curt, ravenous whispers.

Your touch summons me
from the sheets;
back-carving contortions,
a bridge of exaltation.
A beautiful dream
of flowers wasting beneath
two carnivorous satellites,
I promise to love you after
just as now.

I can feel
your startled breath
tickling my face.
Your mouth
cherry blossom-soft
presses against my mouth
and one by one
all my beautiful words
fall to pieces
in the swagger of your smile.

Pull me under the water
like a whirlpool
with your unruly tongue.
Kiss me until
the air melts
from my lungs.
Go wild in me,
shake the doubt
from my immaculate heart.

Your pulse swells
with every gulp,
a crescendo of heat
and thunder.
Stars detonate
in milky hollows
and we are remade
an atom at a time.
I nod in and out
of consciousness,
blueprints converging.
I find my soul pinned
to the constellations
of your scared, hungry eyes.

You Are The One Wordle #200

Wordle 200

I sense you in the dark,
in the weight of stars,
in dreams both
evanescent and obfuscating.
I place my faith
in the realness of you.
You are the one.

I want more
than a breath can hold.
I want to capture
your prayers in my mouth
and suck them until bursting.
Soft and verecund,
I want to lick
the wounds inside of you.
You are the one.

I make sketches of your hands
just so I have something to hold.
I want to wear you underneath
the simpering halo of dawn.
I can’t fathom your touch.
You are the one.

I am lost in forever.
I am lost in the spaces
where patience breaks.
I don’t know why
I am in such a hurry.
Everything you do
makes me love you more.
I want to eat the hours
inside of you.
You are the one.

Wordle #197

Wordle 197

My lips stumble
under a blood orange sky.
My bruised and blessed breath
breaks apart in repetition.
You plow me like a field,
patient until bursting.
I swallow your seed,
your vox populi,
your furnace full of stars.

I am a beautiful way to drown.
The ocean in you
feeds the ocean in me.
I will always find a place for you,
a place where everything
is taken whole
and nothing is rejected.

I watch your lips sulking
beneath a blameless horizon
our silhouettes eerie in the half-light,
our silhouettes throbbing hot
like a meteor shower.

my writing is still off

Wordle #196

Wordle 196

All I ever do is write
but words can only
take you so far.
Sometimes the air curves
like a waning satellite,
sometimes it takes
blood even to breathe.

My intuition falters
in the face of my fears.
I have forgotten
what it is to be
autonomous.
Advice never comes
free of expectation.
How do I stay wild
and still belong?

I am just a series
of regressions.
Sometimes it takes
greatness just to survive
from one moment to the next.
I gave it all away
without a thought
as to how I would ever
replace it and I just fell apart.

Now you say to me
do it again.
Do it again.
Give it up.
No one gets to have
No one gets to be
Writing just isn’t
something that
you can afford.
Be useful
go and shine
someone else’s shit.