Last night/this morning, I woke up hysterical (angry and sad). This has been happening a lot lately. Maybe I am purging. Forcing out all the metaphorical darkness, so that the metaphorical light can get in. I don’t particularly like the feeling of being cracked open. If only I knew how to relax before I hit the ground. If only I knew how to relax when things were gorgeous. If only I knew how to relax when things were mild and mundane. Which isn’t to say I can’t laugh or have fun. I laugh a lot and I have a marvelous penchant for the absurd but I’ve got a lot of nervous energy. I exercise and my muscles lock up so tight I end up with pinched nerves. I meditate and my mind, on finding itself expanding, slams shut and doubles over itself. I just don’t do vulnerability well. Defiance has been my strategy for survival and after all these years of relative peace I am still fighting, still boxing shadows.
When I masturbate I rarely imagine myself with another person. I imagine other people usually characters that I myself have invented (since I feel a bit weird about dragging real people into my fantasies) and not usually things I would even like to do myself. I don’t mean illegal things. I mean like threesomes. When I masturbate I want to feel but I don’t really want to be there because if I am there I am fighting against myself. Since I started the tf journey I have been able to incorporate myself a little more into my fantasies. In my book I even decided to make a slightly modified version of myself as the main character just so I could adapt to the concept of myself in a fantasy context.
I have pretty much been binge watching erotic movies the last few days. 50 Shades of Gray. Which I haven’t read. Which reminded me of high school when sad, vulnerable boys would talk about themselves as if they were monsters/as if they were dangerous because they were raised by monsters. And those same boys never seemed to grasp that I had my own darkness and that I’d known real life monsters and therefore could not be made to fear the fault lines in their very real and very functioning hearts. 365 Days which is incredibly intense and has an amazing, over the top sex scene. MILF (as a 40 year old woman I appreciated this film a lot) which has the most fantastic scene ever “Yes Master” it cracks me up and it’s sexy at the same time. That is what I want to have fun with sex. I want to capture that weird and illusive combination of playfulness, intensity, and comfortable in my own skin sex appeal which I just cannot seem to reproduce. Mostly it is the comfortable in my own skin bit that I struggle with because I am naturally playful and intense. Eliza and Marcela which has the most touching sex scene I have ever seen and which makes me understand more fully the sensuality and erotism of being fully present with another person. Duck Butter which made me cry buckets and which caused a different breakdown earlier in the week.
Do you ever feel like you are in the way? I feel that way all the time. In all my relationships but most especially in the relationship I have with myself. Even in my imaginary relationships apparently which is funny and also very frustrating. I am not going to write to you about how much I hate myself because I don’t actually hate myself. It’s not about hate. It probably has to do with fear. It probably has to do with the fact that my mom didn’t want a child to start and now every time we talk and things get real I feel her guilt for not wanting me. Or the fact that to my father women were just bodies. Or because my ex, even now, still frequently comments on my awful timing as if I were out of synch with the whole world all of the time. Or maybe because I receive more help than I give. Or because I really don’t know how to ask for help when it counts. And when I do manage I always end up feeling somehow more alone. Example I went to the doctor recently partly for myself and partly for the Unemployment Agency and after a significant internal struggle (because admitting you have issues and need help is not easy) I managed to get an appointment for a therapist. I poured my heart out to this woman only to have my follow-up cancelled through the mail because the Unemployment Agency changed their minds. Said therapist has a strange setup where she can call out but cannot receive calls. She works with referrals from Vårdcentral, so she only takes on referrals from a doctor. So in order to see her I would have to restart the whole bloody process again and I don’t have the energy, plus she gives up way too easily and I need a therapist with more grit. It took me weeks to work up the nerve to initiate the process in the first place. The thing is I told her I needed this for myself too, primarily for myself and that the Unemployment Agency was a secondary consideration for me and she said she understood that but she didn’t and she didn’t even call me to check if I wanted to proceed anyways. Well now I have gotten off topic but it is exasperating how difficult it is to get treatment for mental health issues.
Moving on. I heard a quote from 50 shades which I can’t remember verbatim but it was something along the lines of Life doesn’t get easier you just get to know yourself better. This is probably true. I want to get to know myself inside and out. I want to be myself. Basically this is the main thing I want in life. Only it’s hard to hear my heart over my constant mental chatter. Screaming. It’s more like screaming than chatter if I am being totally honest.
When I think about manifestation I get irrationally upset. I read a really good article about manifestation today. I understand that you can’t and/or shouldn’t place conditionals on your happiness. That there is a difference between needing and wanting something. That you might not always get what you think you want but that you often get what you need for your soul growth. I get that acquiring stuff doesn’t make you happy. I even get that another person, however fantastic, can’t make you happy. It’s true that a mentally healthy person is more likely to have a healthy, balanced relationship. It’s true that I do not always know what I want. It’s also true that I am human with a complex array of emotions and that I just can’t work out how to be positive all the time. Sometimes sure but not always. I have doubts. For some reason I seem to manifest more in a negative headspace than in a positive one and I guess it has to do with my subconscious conditioning. But since our brains are mostly programmed before the age of three and for me that was trauma time I feel woefully ill-equipped to manifest. I have spent a lot of time examining this programming and trying to built for myself a healthier system of beliefs but I am struggling.
I just don’t know how to get out of my own way because it’s my life and I am invested in it. I mean Depression aside I really like the idea of having a life and going on adventures. I still have a few embers burning. I get the importance of an open mind and I would like to be more laid back, less of a low-functioning type A sort of person. I really don’t care how I become financially secure just that I do and just so it’s moral. But when it comes to a person. I just can’t see people as interchangeable. If I were just looking for love in a general sense then sure it makes sense to be open-minded and talk to a lot of different people, to date and experiment until you find what fits. But what if you like someone in particular? Humans view themselves as individuals. I believe we are all connected. I feel that connection with some people more than others but even when I don’t feel it I still know that it exists. That’s comforting but not always practically accessible/applicable I can’t just exchange DM in my heart with someone else.
I am sure other people can make me laugh. I am sure I can have delightful conversation with any number of people and god knows I am in need of good conversation. I am sure I could love others in various ways because there are various forms of love. Friendship for example. Theoretically there are probably even people with whom I am sexually/romantically compatible but if I can’t give them all of me because my heart is invested elsewhere what’s the point? I know how to bring myself to orgasm, it’s not like I just need another body that I can place in the vicinity of my body. So I am stuck. I am just stuck. How do you manifest a specific person, not just love in general? Is this possible or are we just that interchangeable from the perspective of the universe? If this is so if we are all just divine Legos then why do we feel so compelled to certain people? Why should I create a totally generic experience for myself when I am endeavoring to lead an authentic life?
As much as I love poetry I don’t know if I would love it more as a career or as a hobby or if it would be equally gratifying. I concede to my ignorance. I concede that I am not that objective. But there are some things that feel deep down and I was to explore them. For example I know poetry is a part of me and that I want it in my life. I want to read it and I want to write it. I know that I want to be myself. I know that I am tired of twisting myself into knots trying to be the best version of myself. I want to be the best version and the worst version. I want to be all the versions of myself. I want them to coexist peacefully. Fuck perfect. Come as you bloody are. I know that I am in love with DM. I know that I want to get to know him. I know I want to take a chance, that love is worth the risk, broken heart or not. I know that I want him in all ways. Even if he’s a far cry from the version I carry around within me. I don’t expect him to heal me or to make me happy. I just want to get to know the man. I want to have experiences with him. All kinds of experiences. I am not finished experiencing him. I want to keep going.