There are so many things I want to say to you. I want to make you smile, cry, blush, laugh, feel as I felt the first time I wrote to you. I want to make you feel the way I feel every time I think of you. Which is to say I want you to feel everything all at once, the human heart beyond capacity, the soul hunger that supersedes all thought. I wish I could share with you even a tenth of what I feel but no single language, taken individually or together, could contain it. Some things just have to be experienced. Speaking of which I have senses dedicated solely to the experience of you, senses which awakened with the realization of you.
My whole life I have been writing stories about other people, for other people. You make me want to write my own story. Not only to write as I have done but to live in the present tense. Sometimes I wish I could remember our histories, the miles we have traveled, the spaces we have occupied, the millennia we have lived. If I could only remember what it was to have you in my life, in all ways, in the everyday way I might not doubt quite so much what the future holds. I am full of doubts. These great cobwebs of the mind which catch up all my thoughts and feelings and suck them dry. I am scared to hope. Scared to lose all that we might be together.
Not long ago you were in my bed, in my dreams, our faces close together. I listened with my whole being and still I cannot for the life me translate what you said. I listened so hard that I surrendered all that I would say and the opportunity to say it just to know you more completely in that moment. I guess what I am saying is I want to get to know you. I am interested. Between us there can be no judgement, only freedom. I am naked. You see me.
It has been a while since my last confession. I have been dreaming about you. Beautiful, intimate, sexy dreams that are for your eyes alone. There are moments when all my edges soften and I become pure poetry.
My only excuse for not writing sooner is my mood. I don’t like the look of the world right now. It feels like a prison. I want to go out. I want to see, do, and be in some meaningful way. I think how can I make the ordinary beautiful? How can I make my experience of life more delicious using only the ingredients I have at hand?
I could just write brilliant lives into being. I could make love with life itself. I could slip into my imagination the way skin slides against silk but all I have done for the last few days is cry. I am feeling better but there are still more tears left to spill. It is when the sky is darkest that we see more clearly the stars. I am starting to see/to remember the beauty in darkness. There is something erotic about darkness, the way it envelopes you, the way it is and isn’t at the same time, like an enigma.
I have been thinking a lot about love. I have been thinking about an Oscar Wilde quote which I haven’t been able to locate but is something like this Every time we fall in love, it is like the first time we have ever loved. Every time we fall in love we discover something within ourselves we had not known to exist, something which is totally authentic, and perhaps born from the love itself. I fall in love with you every day and every day I become someone new.
I don’t know very much about the art of seduction. I am innocent. Inexperienced. I am also curious and playful. I love naughty things but I also love romance, beautiful impractical romances that defy explanation. I want to see you wearing nothing but a blush. You ask me for a sign in the readings and I find myself torn between innuendo and bravado. What should I say to you? What can I do? I will read this letter to you, let my words scald your mouth. Taste them.
With everything that I am your DF,
PS) I do have a recording of the letter but for now you will simply have to imagine it 😉
It’s been a while since I wrote. Should I retrace my steps? Should I tell you about my dreams/our dreams? You were there love and you know as well as I that words don’t suffice. The one thing I need you most to understand is that I feel you. When you hold me it warms me body, heart, and soul. I know that you love me. Even if the words should fall from the page the message still manages to reach my heart. That is the kind of love we have.
I don’t want to start over. Every moment with you is a gift. Every day I learn something new and discover within myself an even greater capacity to love. From my perspective there is nothing to forgive. I love every moment with you so please don’t ask me to erase anything. Every day with you is a rebirth, a revolution, an epiphany unto itself. We can change the pace. We can create a story that is uniquely us. We can write it as we go. We can change as the river changes. We can be 10,000 things. We can live in the present, flowing, vivacious, alive. We can be entirely new one moment to the next. Starting over isn’t necessary. We are evolving continuously. I can see that you’re growing and opening up. I trust you. I’ve got you. We’re good.
I would be lying to you if I said I wasn’t scared/overwhelmed/confused. When you look at the ocean you see only a small portion of it. You can’t take in the whole of it and you can’t see what happens underneath the water. Everything we see and feel is confined, categorized, and extracted through ego. My whole life I have been carrying around the same fist-sized cup of water, calling it ocean. Together we make an ocean more vast than the universe. I have never felt this much. I have never taken in the whole of anything. I have never seen this far below the surface. I have never experienced anything so enormous, so gentle, so deep. I still find myself trying to prove my love to you. I still find myself questioning my worth. I am still breaking free of the old paradigms. I am still trying to fit the ocean into the palm of my hands.
Yesterday I had something of a breakthrough. I realized just how hard you have been trying to make me understand, to show me, that you feel the same. I believe you. I have always known/felt/understood that you are doing the spiritual work. There was never any question in my mind. I have always known/felt that you are as awake and aware as myself. The one thing I hadn’t counted on is that you would choose me but now I know that you have chosen me. That you choose me every single day just as I choose you. We are in this together.
I never realized just how hard it is for me to receive love. Part of it has to do with my self-worth issues but I think it goes much deeper than that. When it is “my love” I have some weird illusion of being in control. I can shout it from the rooftops or I can balance it delicately on the tip of my tongue. “My love” lives inside of me where I can keep it safe for all time. “Our love” cannot be contained in me. It’s ubiquitous. You are the wild part of me. You are freedom. I am not really sure what to do with all of this freedom. All of this potential. All of this gorgeous space. All of this love. I really had no idea what it was to be intimate with another person. I never imagined how good it would feel to open up, to strip it all back, to be myself, to surrender. Sometimes the pleasure and the happiness overwhelms me entirely. I realize that I have been rationing my happiness my whole life. As if there were only so much happiness a human could feel in their lifetime. A single moment in your arms is a lifetime’s worth. So if you ever wonder why I push you away it is because I am feeling too much all at once.
Intense doesn’t even come close to describing my dreams lately. They feel, at times, more real to me than my material/waking existence. I wake up and it is hard to fathom that you aren’t lying beside me. When you think about it. How can we separate dreams from reality? We dream every night. Without dreams we wouldn’t survive and I don’t mean that in a lofty, romantic way. I mean it literally. Dreams are as essential as air, food, or water. If they are not real. Then we must require some measure of unreality in order to exist.
You are very real to me and I know deep down that the dreams we share are mutual.
I woke up in a state of panic. I have been doing quite well the last few days keeping my negativity in check but today I am borderline morose. I don’t know what to do with myself which is why I am writing. I hope that in writing I can open up and let in a little light. Right now I feel like shutting down entirely. I just want to have a good cry, a nap, until the eclipse has passed. Even now I find myself thinking about you, about us lying face to face last night. I think about the way it felt to touch you and hold you. How could I ever walk away from that?
I don’t know what you are thinking right now. I don’t know what you want. I just know that giving up isn’t an option for me. I just have to keep going even if it feels at times like I am walking across an ocean of fire. The pain I am feeling isn’t because of love. The pain is fear/ego. It is the “what ifs” running through my brain. It’s the illusion of limitation and scarcity. It’s the desire to control the situation. A field of wildflowers is more beautiful than a painting or photograph of wildflowers, however, talented or passionate the artist. Even a poem cannot compare to the miracle that is our delicate, transitory lives. Love is not something we can control or manipulate. Love is freedom. So why attempt to capture and define it? Love offers strength through vulnerability. So why attempt to restrain its flow? Love is infinite. So why attempt to quantify it? Don’t get me wrong here I want a relationship. I deserve a healthy, loving relationship and so do you.
I am just tired. I am tired of waking up every morning in a full suit of armor. I am tired of fighting to maintain a constant state of mediocrity. I am tired of resisting the pull of my heart. I am tired of juggling the millions of tiny white lies I tell myself everyday just to justify my fears. The universe creates miracles for each and everyone of us, every single day, and every single day we collectively say “No, sorry I am not worthy. I am not ready. I am too busy. I am too scared.” Sometimes we can’t even see those miracles because our thinking has become too rigid to allow for awe/curiosity/joy. My answer is yes. Yes, I will continue on this journey. I want to see what happens. I want to create together with the universe. I want to create something magical with you. Something organic, orgasmic, and totally original. I want to step outside of my little ego box and feel everything that it is within me to feel. I want to be human. Imperfect. Me. You.
How can I possibly describe last night? Sensual. Playful. Erotic. Profound. I felt you so intensely that I thought someone had come into my room. You have me questioning my sanity but if I am crazy so be it. Crazy is a hell of a lot more fun than sane anyhow. Crazy means everything is possible and given a choice I would rather live in a world of possibility and magic than a world made small by ego. It was a good surprise, better than good, it was incredible! Everything that you are, is love. Thank you!
The last two days have been absolutely wonderful. If I were to give an account of my days just as they occurred they might be mistaken for ordinary, what has them so extraordinary is the sense of you. I have been dreaming about you. The dreams have been sensual, profound, playful even. I would love to tell you about them sparing no detail but it might be too personal for a public post. I have been feeling the heat of kundalini. I have been feeling more optimistic about everything. Thank you for being there.
I am seeing the signs. Yesterday in particular. I was out for a walk. I was thinking about you, talking to you in mind. I commented that it would be an amazing sign if I were to see a white stag. A few steps later I turned my head and saw a herd of deer and among them a white deer! This after seeing a pair of swans randomly in a plowed field. Swans or really elegant trash bags 😛 I did take a picture of the swan I saw the previous day though. I met your higher self last night in a very powerful dream.
I will keep this short, just know that I am absolutely committed to our journey. The answer is yes. Yes to you. Yes to this journey. Yes to our mission. Yes to unlocking my intuition/hidden abilities. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. I would have you just as you are. I wouldn’t change a hair on your head. You are beautiful just as you are, so come just as you are. I am here. I am ready.
I felt your sexual energy last night. It hit me at unexpected moments and it had really strange effects on my dreams. I woke up feeling that we had spent time together. Do you ever masturbate to thoughts of me/of us, to my photographs? I masturbate thinking of you/looking at you. It excites me to think of you watching me.
I am doing better today. For a moment while I was meditating I even felt excitement. I believed that you would come. I can feel you moving towards me. I look forward to getting to know you better, on every level. I will receive you with open arms whatever your method of entry. I just know that we are for each other and each other alone.
I apologize for not writing yesterday. I started but I never really got anywhere with it. Yesterday’s bad mood seems to be bleeding into today. Only today I don’t have quite the stamina to support it. I am just forlorn. I don’t use that word often. I am not sure if I have ever applied it to myself even but today it fits. I need to retreat, to go inward, and find some clarity. At the moment my thoughts are quite virulent and I am reluctant to share them (they are just too dark). I don’t know anything. I am just hoping that it is one of those times in life where it gets darkest before the breakthrough. I could really use a breakthrough. A sign. Progress. Something vibrant and tangible. I have to forgive myself but I will start by apologizing to you. I apologize for pushing you away. I apologize for encroaching into your 3D life but I know that it is only a half-hearted apology because deep down I really did want to talk to you. I don’t regret talking to you but I do regret if my desire to do so made you uncomfortable. Now I have to work on myself. Now I have to figure out what surrender really means because nothing I have read about the concept makes any sense and it is so contrary to the way I live. I struggle. I create sad stories and scenarios because otherwise I don’t know how to get the emotions out. I only seem to understand anything when it has been written down. I don’t even understand my own thoughts until I bleed them. I don’t like silence. I see silence as a weapon. I would rather have a knife. A knife in the heart. A knife in the back. Silence is unbearable. A knife can be pulled out, the wound can be stitched. How does one heal silence? So now I have to turn inward and become as still and silent as I can be. I have to learn how to love myself, how to be everyone and everything for myself.
Where do I even begin? Today is a good day. Today I feel at peace with the journey. I am still feeling pretty tired though. I am struggling to string a sentence together! I am not sure I can even manage the abstractions necessary to convey my recent discoveries/undertakings. You were in my dreams last night. I felt you on top of me. I felt you embrace me.
I am re-reading “Happiness is a Choice” by Barry Neil Kaufman. I used to be obsessed with self-improvement. The changes I made were temporary or taken to unhealthy extremes. I fought against myself the entire time, the struggle was biblical! At some point I realized I was using self-improvement as a way to punish myself. I wasn’t seeking empowerment. I was seeking escape. I wasn’t seeking acceptance. I was seeking total annihilation of the self. I wanted to be someone else entirely. Oddly something about this book got through to me. It gave me a real sense of hope. It made me feel like it was okay to be myself. That’s my superpower. My hidden talent. My calling. Being myself. Simple right? That is all I ever wanted though permission to be myself. I know that is all you would ask of me because it is all I ask of you. I am reading it again as a way of understanding the journey.
I tend toward pessimism. So I have a way for maximizing the pain in any situation. I don’t just live a difficult experience once. I live it countless times in my mind. Each reiteration is more terrifying than the previous. Do you want to know how to change the past? Forgive. Bless the experiences which have led you to this moment. Pour yourself and your energy into the present. In this way you can reclaim your power. At least this is what I think.
Do you know how to stop worrying about the future? I don’t. Just kidding. No really I have no idea but I think it also comes in embracing the beauty of the present moment. What if you didn’t set your story in stone? What if you didn’t set your identity in stone? What if you left the lid off? Put in some air holes? Opened a window? Cracked a door? What if you left some space so someone or something new could enter? What if you allowed for the possibility of a miracle? A dream come true? What if you left in a little mystery? What if sometimes you let the ground under your feet give way? So far the best trick I have found to deal with “what ifs” is the “So what approach.” I care. I care a lot but the one thing I have learned is that whatever happens it’s usually way better than I imagined it. Sometimes it just lines up better with my true self. Every now and again things turn to shit but not often and since I am writing this it’s proof that I survived those storms. Proof that I’ve grown. I know what I want but do I really want to ruin the surprise by turning it into a script? Or worse screw myself out of a surprise altogether by resisting change? Do I really need to wear myself out fighting/proving/defending? The truth is in how I feel. I love you. I love you in this moment. I love you without having everything written in blood/chiseled in bone. I love you from the depths of my soul. So what the hell is there to worry about? It’s all good. It’s better than good. It is fucking miraculous!
I was in such a dark energy last night. I found myself imploding with feelings of unworthiness. I couldn’t even meet your gaze in the dreams, though you held my hand so sweetly. It’s not that I have changed my mind about us. I am committed to the journey. It’s not that I don’t want you. It is that I want you so much that it frightens me sometimes. To lose you or worse to find you unreachable, well you get the idea. I was wallowing in fear. I woke up in a panic thinking of you, self-soothing (words only :-P) and I felt the most extraordinary thing. I felt an energy pass into me and it was as if I were being cleansed from the inside out. I felt light/pure/charged.
I’ve had this notion lately that if humans could collectively raise their vibration that they could trigger the earth to heal itself. The earth being a living being and mankind being some element of its immune system (forgive the silly metaphor). At present we are attacking the earth the way an auto-immune disease attacks the body it has been entrusted to protect. Theoretically we are just as capable of healing as we are of destruction. Maybe it is time I looked at my programming. At the unhealthy beliefs I carry. The beliefs that create a sense of scarcity and fear. A fear which causes me to withdraw and/or lash out violently.
Whatever happens love is never a mistake. Love is always worth it. I would rather surrender for love than die in fear.
While out for a walk I came to the conclusion that I am as I was meant to be. It is because of who I am that we are. It is because of my unique experiences, abilities, perceptions that I will ultimately carry out my life’s work (resume be damned). However, grand or humble that work proves. We are all necessary. Important. Beautiful beings of love and light at our core.
I am summarizing here. It is hard to convey the weight and value of an epiphany. Epiphanies I find are often very obvious/simplistic but sometimes it takes the same epiphany many mutations before it really sticks. Maybe we are meant to forget our epiphanies so that we can rediscover them again and again. A kind of spiritual orgasm to release the spiritual tension haha.