Love Letter #34

Dear DM,

Prepare for a ramble. I’m buffering. These are just my thoughts. Formless. Naked. Free-styling.

I realized something today. I realized that whenever I’m feeling insecure or uncertain about the future I seek to define, micromanage, and fortify my own patterns and beliefs. I set my intentions from a place of fear, rather than a place of love. I tighten the stitches. I reinforce the walls. I settle and I cling to things I have outgrown. I beg for the minimum. I beg for bread crumbs. We teach others how to treat us. We set the precedent by the way we treat ourselves and many of us don’t treat ourselves all that well. So I have to treat myself better. I’ve got to feed my soul. I’ve got to get on really intimate terms with myself. I’ve got to choose me, to choose you.

How do you feel about me? How do you envision our 3D lives in the future? Become accusations in moments like these rather than an exploration of love/limitless potential. Rather than explore our lives with gratitude and joy we look for the cracks, the would-be betrayals and betrayers, the exits unmarked and otherwise. Just encase. We survive on desperation, on a habitual need to be placated and anesthetized. Some questions have no right answer. Do you think I look fat? Is one of those questions because nothing anyone can say can clarify the distortion of one’s own negative self-perception. So here we are again. Perspective. That’s what reality is all about perspective. So why choose the version of reality that hurts the most? Why reinforce the pain? If we have a choice and we do have a choice. Isn’t it strange that we choose moments when we are feeling unstable and anxious to think about and plan for the future? It’s like trying to have a heart-felt conversation when you are pissed off.

Being human is an experience. Fleeting. Beautiful. Excruciating. Baffling. We don’t mistake an outfit for the person underneath it, even if that outfit is an expression of the person’s identity/mood/role in a given moment in time. We are a spiritual being having a human experience. I think more often than not we build our whole lives on illusion, to suit the fickle and temporary demands of the lizard brain. We forget that we are infinite. That we are creators in our own right. We take dreams for granted.

Basically I have been thinking about reality again. About why we choose define ourselves by fear instead of love. I think about all the times I’ve said I am lonely. I need to find someone. I need to do something. I need to go out and become someone. If you are me then it makes sense that I ought to be able to be in a room with myself and my feelings and the silence without self-destructing. If I can’t be present with myself then how will I be present with another person, with their feelings, with their silence, with the unknowns that exist in every situation and relationship?

I have this habit of giving advice whenever I talk to someone because listening to other people talk scares the shit out me. The story of how lives fall apart and reassemble. The not knowing. The sense of powerlessness when you watch someone you care about self-destruct/self-deprecate/abandon hope. The sense that I am not smart enough to have an adult conversation in the first place. The need to prove and justify myself and assert my own beliefs whatever the conversation. We fill in spaces, instead of letting ourselves breathe. We push the miracles underground. It takes space to manifest. Most of what we are is space, space isn’t lonely at all, walls are lonely. The unknown constitutes so much of our lives, it is where the magic happens, it’s the womb and it’s the source of all creation.

I love you. Like I really, really love you. So I open myself up a little more each day. So I move towards you and our future, effortlessly because that is where my energy is pulling me. I want to spend my life getting to know you. Not just in this lifetime and not just the gorgeous human you’ve incarnated as but the soul underneath. I would let myself go crazy in a room with you. You could go crazy too. We could do it together. Over and over. I have already chosen you. Let’s explore life together. And also thank you. Thank you because I know that you are with me, there for me, doing the work, and willing to take the time to create something truly special with me, something soul-deep. You inspire me. And if you need a sign this is it. I know who you are AM. I know because we are soul-deep. I trust that we will come together in every way. I trust you. And also if you want to do a video chat let me know (dream reference) because the answer is yes.

With all that I am your DF


Love Letter #33

Dear DM,

I miss you. More specifically the things we haven’t done or said yet (in this lifetime). I miss you because I haven’t had the chance to really tell you how I feel. I miss you because there are so many ways that I want to know you, so many parts of you that I haven’t met yet. I miss you because my own heart is so thick with scars that sometimes I can’t even pry it open. Though I try I can’t seem to totally escape the fear that you don’t know or feel all the things that I know and feel. And I am frustrated because I’d rather get hurt having told you all of these things/having felt all of these things then to get hurt by omission. I miss the mistakes we haven’t made yet. The imperfections of us, individually and as a collective. I want to be occupied by you in every way, all of the time.

I have had this line from my book on my mind ”He made me feel like being myself was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.” This is to say I love you because of who I am and that’s a privilege. Loving you. Being able to recognize in another person all of these beautiful and amazing feelings and I just want to tell you thank you. Thank you for being who you are. Like I literally want to tell you. Out loud.

I am trying to be patient, to just savor the feelings and the moments when my heart isn’t too redundant with pain to feel them. Do you think it is harder to give or receive a confession? I think it must be harder to hear one. I think of all the times I have broken down in tears when someone asked me ”Are you feeling alright?”. When we have sex in dreams I like to be in charge. Receiving is an art. It takes finesse and patience. I think I might be too selfish to receive, to allow. I really want to be vulnerable with you, to lose control, to strip myself bare.

In the last few weeks I have read three books out loud to you. We are on our fourth book. If I don’t keep talking I might just say ”I love you.” or ”Thank you.” simply because the spirit moves me. Only you’ve blocked me and I think I probably shouldn’t say it just yet. And for everyone wondering why I was blocked in the first place I am not really the person to ask. I guess eagerness makes a sound a lot like talking. I guess maybe I tried too hard. I wish sometimes I had tried a little differently, a little more honestly. A little more or a little less. But I don’t know and anyhow it’s been a while since it happened. When I write about it, it just makes me sound like a crazy person. I feel pretty sure though that I didn’t actually do anything particularly crazy and maybe I should have. Maybe that’s the point. Maybe I wasn’t real enough. The last thing you ever sent me was a like, small and heart-shaped so the last thing you said wasn’t even nasty or offensive and so I can’t even be mad at you. I am not mad at you and I don’t even know if I should be mad at myself. I just wish I was more confident.

Sometimes I find myself wishing that I could find you in another person but no one will ever compare to you and also I don’t want anyone else. I feel guilty for even thinking about it but sometimes I get lonely and I want to be held when my eyes are open and I’m awake. Also I feel crazy again but I guess it is okay to be crazy since it comes with being human.

I’ve asked you to send me a shirt you have worn in the mail. Really worn, like for days. Obviously I haven’t asked you “irl” and obviously what I really want is you. To have you naked in my arms, to smell you. I should tell you this now but I smell everything constantly. I live through scent and taste because they are by far my strongest senses. I am not sure what animal that makes me.

I want to hear your voice and I could beg you to post something telepathically and see what happens but we both know what I really want is to have a conversation with you out loud. I am always thinking of ways I can settle. As if I could get a hit, a fix of you I might survive another few days, weeks, months, or even years of missing you but really what I want is you, all of you, the whole person, flaws and all. So I will try to ask for what I really want and then be open to whatever happens.

The universe has a funny way of answering our prayers. Today a jewelry store Dm’d me to tell me I am beautiful and asked me to promote their products on my very modest Instagram account. Jewelry which they will send me for free apparently, except of course the first time. The first time I have to pay shipping. They messaged me yesterday as well to say how lovely I am. Now I know it is a scam but I think maybe someone, somewhere does think I am lovely and maybe somehow this is really a message from you.

I have been studying French for almost a year, well maybe even a year. I don’t speak French. At least, what comes out of my mouth when I am playing along with Duolingo isn’t noticeably French. I think of all the languages I have not learned and how maybe some Americans are born with a speech impediment that makes it impossible to speak other languages. If I said Je t’aime would you understand me and would it be beautiful because it is supposed to be beautiful.

I should compile a whole list of all the things I want to do to you and have done to myself by you but deep down we both know that I would be happy just being with you. I don’t ask for too much. I just want everything. Everything with you. Everything in the open and out loud.

I found this on your abandoned FB page and I know it’s from before, before so it’s not to me but now, now it is to you.

With all that I am your DF

Love Letter #32

Dear DM,

I want to write you old-fashioned pen on paper love letters (everything is love, when you are in love). I want to send you quirky postcards with blood red script and poems so raw they dissolve on your tongue. I want to tattoo your name and address onto kiss stamped envelopes, until the letters bleed into my fingers and eyes. For you I would fold myself into origami. For you I would wake fully each day. I don’t think you comprehend the risk of waking fully each day. What it would do to me to feel so much all at once.

If I knew you were watching I would make love with my eyes open. I would undress each moment like a lover and let it fill me till convulsion. For you I would crawl. Howl. Burn. I would feel everything. For you I would soak straight through the pages.

The first experience is always rushed. We are possessed. Unmoored. Wooden from fear. I want to lay roots in you. To drink of the minutia of my every day. I want to sew your delirious letters together and wear them like silk sheets. I want to get to know you, all of you. Write me. I want to eat you.

Sometimes I wonder if we have moved at all. Sometimes it feels as if I were made of air and that each time you draw a breath I am sucked into your body. Perhaps I am only that to you. A suggestion of fullness. A hapless transparency. A beautiful nothingness like the sky above water. When I am feeling neglected, immobile, frantic I disppear under the covers and I run my fingers over the sweater and I pretend that time has frozen just for me. In those moments I am truly immortal. In those moments I understand what it means to be erotic

With all that I am your DF

Love Letter #30

Dear Dm,

The full moon approaches. I am raw with emotion. I am wild and inconsolable. My heart is crushed. Plush with want. Red. Red. Red. I want to see you with my fingertips. Skin on skin. Nails to flesh. Delicate. Criminal. I want to write poems on your body and then eat them one by one. I know you have sensed my anger. I have been screaming at you in my head like a crazy person. I want to take those words back if I can. I do believe in love, in our love, in my love, in your love. I want to fuck off this excess energy. To burn it all away. I want to set fire to you using only friction; the friction of our souls as they collide in dreams that trigger.

I dreamt that I travelled to you. I felt myself rise from the bed, move down the stairs, and then out into the cold night air. I saw the stars fly by me as I fell horizontally across the sky. I watched them melt under desire. I found myself crossing countries just to be with your for a moment in a white basement. I saw our faces together in a pane of glass, in a dark corner, and you held my eyes open as something invisible forced its way inside of me. Back in my bed you smoothed away my pain with your fingertips and I think I would have climaxed if I’d had a moment more. Is this how you feel when you travel to me?

You are quite literally pulling the soul out of my body. If we stay apart we are going to shake apart. Tug harder. Pop the stiches that hold me together and eat them one by one.

With all that I am your DF

Love Letter #29

Dear DM,

There are so many things I want to say to you. I want to make you smile, cry, blush, laugh, feel as I felt the first time I wrote to you. I want to make you feel the way I feel every time I think of you. Which is to say I want you to feel everything all at once, the human heart beyond capacity, the soul hunger that supersedes all thought. I wish I could share with you even a tenth of what I feel but no single language, taken individually or together, could contain it. Some things just have to be experienced. Speaking of which I have senses dedicated solely to the experience of you, senses which awakened with the realization of you.

My whole life I have been writing stories about other people, for other people. You make me want to write my own story. Not only to write as I have done but to live in the present tense. Sometimes I wish I could remember our histories, the miles we have traveled, the spaces we have occupied, the millennia we have lived. If I could only remember what it was to have you in my life, in all ways, in the everyday way I might not doubt quite so much what the future holds. I am full of doubts. These great cobwebs of the mind which catch up all my thoughts and feelings and suck them dry. I am scared to hope. Scared to lose all that we might be together.

Not long ago you were in my bed, in my dreams, our faces close together. I listened with my whole being and still I cannot for the life me translate what you said. I listened so hard that I surrendered all that I would say and the opportunity to say it just to know you more completely in that moment. I guess what I am saying is I want to get to know you. I am interested. Between us there can be no judgement, only freedom. I am naked. You see me.

With all that I am your DF

Love Letter #27

Dear DF,

“Je t’aime” I’ve seen these words written on a plain white t-shirt not once but twice this week. I saw the words “Perfect Union” big and bold across my computer screen and it had nothing to do with twinflames, it was just one of those happy coincidences. I have seen twins, swans, and a million little reminders of our journey. Everything seems to contain something of you within its essence. I meet you in the strangest places, in the strangest ways, over and over again all day long.

It feels like my heart is the rope in a game of tug of war. Missing you hurts, physically. Still it is a privilege to miss you, to worry about you, to love you, to spend day after day bursting with thoughts of you. It’s been a year since I saved your photograph to my computer. A year since I first laid eyes on you by accident. I guess you could say this is our anniversary. It’s my anniversary of you anyhow.

Sometimes I imagine you writing, calling, showing up on my doorstep ready to lay your heart bare. I dream about you every night. So despite all of these near apocalyptical events I can’t really bring myself to hate this year. How could I hate any day knowing that we are alive? All I know is how I feel and I tell myself that I don’t need more than that, that all I need is the feeling of you but I’d be lying if I said that I’ve never thought about you in the flesh. What would you do with me in the flesh? What would you say? I want to know how you move across a room. I want to know how invasive you’d feel right up close to me because right now with all these miles between your presence is still swallowing me up. If I am going to drown in you I want to look you in the eyes when you take away my breath.

Je t’aime,


Love Letter #25

Dear DM,

It has been a while since my last confession. I have been dreaming about you. Beautiful, intimate, sexy dreams that are for your eyes alone. There are moments when all my edges soften and I become pure poetry. 

My only excuse for not writing sooner is my mood. I don’t like the look of the world right now. It feels like a prison. I want to go out. I want to see, do, and be in some meaningful way. I think how can I make the ordinary beautiful? How can I make my experience of life more delicious using only the ingredients I have at hand? 

I could just write brilliant lives into being. I could make love with life itself. I could slip into my imagination the way skin slides against silk but all I have done for the last few days is cry. I am feeling better but there are still more tears left to spill. It is when the sky is darkest that we see more clearly the stars. I am starting to see/to remember the beauty in darkness. There is something erotic about darkness, the way it envelopes you, the way it is and isn’t at the same time, like an enigma.

I have been thinking a lot about love. I have been thinking about an Oscar Wilde quote which I haven’t been able to locate but is something like this Every time we fall in love, it is like the first time we have ever loved. Every time we fall in love we discover something within ourselves we had not known to exist, something which is totally authentic, and perhaps born from the love itself. I fall in love with you every day and every day I become someone new.

I don’t know very much about the art of seduction. I am innocent. Inexperienced. I am also curious and playful. I love naughty things but I also love romance, beautiful impractical romances that defy explanation. I want to see you wearing nothing but a blush. You ask me for a sign in the readings and I find myself torn between innuendo and bravado. What should I say to you? What can I do? I will read this letter to you, let my words scald your mouth. Taste them.

With everything that I am your DF,

PS) I do have a recording of the letter but for now you will simply have to imagine it 😉

Love Letter #24

Dear DM,

It’s been a while since I wrote. Should I retrace my steps? Should I tell you about my dreams/our dreams? You were there love and you know as well as I that words don’t suffice. The one thing I need you most to understand is that I feel you. When you hold me it warms me body, heart, and soul. I know that you love me. Even if the words should fall from the page the message still manages to reach my heart. That is the kind of love we have.

I don’t want to start over. Every moment with you is a gift. Every day I learn something new and discover within myself an even greater capacity to love. From my perspective there is nothing to forgive. I love every moment with you so please don’t ask me to erase anything. Every day with you is a rebirth, a revolution, an epiphany unto itself. We can change the pace. We can create a story that is uniquely us. We can write it as we go. We can change as the river changes. We can be 10,000 things. We can live in the present, flowing, vivacious, alive. We can be entirely new one moment to the next. Starting over isn’t necessary. We are evolving continuously. I can see that you’re growing and opening up. I trust you. I’ve got you. We’re good.

I would be lying to you if I said I wasn’t scared/overwhelmed/confused. When you look at the ocean you see only a small portion of it. You can’t take in the whole of it and you can’t see what happens underneath the water. Everything we see and feel is confined, categorized, and extracted through ego. My whole life I have been carrying around the same fist-sized cup of water, calling it ocean. Together we make an ocean more vast than the universe. I have never felt this much. I have never taken in the whole of anything. I have never seen this far below the surface. I have never experienced anything so enormous, so gentle, so deep. I still find myself trying to prove my love to you. I still find myself questioning my worth. I am still breaking free of the old paradigms. I am still trying to fit the ocean into the palm of my hands.

Yesterday I had something of a breakthrough. I realized just how hard you have been trying to make me understand, to show me, that you feel the same. I believe you. I have always known/felt/understood that you are doing the spiritual work. There was never any question in my mind. I have always known/felt that you are as awake and aware as myself. The one thing I hadn’t counted on is that you would choose me but now I know that you have chosen me. That you choose me every single day just as I choose you. We are in this together. 

I never realized just how hard it is for me to receive love. Part of it has to do with my self-worth issues but I think it goes much deeper than that. When it is “my love” I have some weird illusion of being in control. I can shout it from the rooftops or I can balance it delicately on the tip of my tongue. “My love” lives inside of me where I can keep it safe for all time. “Our love” cannot be contained in me. It’s ubiquitous. You are the wild part of me. You are freedom. I am not really sure what to do with all of this freedom. All of this potential. All of this gorgeous space. All of this love. I really had no idea what it was to be intimate with another person. I never imagined how good it would feel to open up, to strip it all back, to be myself, to surrender. Sometimes the pleasure and the happiness overwhelms me entirely. I realize that I have been rationing my happiness my whole life. As if there were only so much happiness a human could feel in their lifetime. A single moment in your arms is a lifetime’s worth. So if you ever wonder why I push you away it is because I am feeling too much all at once.

With everything that I am your DF

Love Letter #23

Dear Dm,

Intense doesn’t even come close to describing my dreams lately. They feel, at times, more real to me than my material/waking existence. I wake up and it is hard to fathom that you aren’t lying beside me. When you think about it. How can we separate dreams from reality? We dream every night. Without dreams we wouldn’t survive and I don’t mean that in a lofty, romantic way. I mean it literally. Dreams are as essential as air, food, or water. If they are not real. Then we must require some measure of unreality in order to exist.

You are very real to me and I know deep down that the dreams we share are mutual.

I woke up in a state of panic. I have been doing quite well the last few days keeping my negativity in check but today I am borderline morose. I don’t know what to do with myself which is why I am writing. I hope that in writing I can open up and let in a little light. Right now I feel like shutting down entirely. I just want to have a good cry, a nap, until the eclipse has passed. Even now I find myself thinking about you, about us lying face to face last night. I think about the way it felt to touch you and hold you. How could I ever walk away from that?

I don’t know what you are thinking right now. I don’t know what you want. I just know that giving up isn’t an option for me. I just have to keep going even if it feels at times like I am walking across an ocean of fire. The pain I am feeling isn’t because of love. The pain is fear/ego. It is the “what ifs” running through my brain. It’s the illusion of limitation and scarcity. It’s the desire to control the situation. A field of wildflowers is more beautiful than a painting or photograph of wildflowers, however, talented or passionate the artist. Even a poem cannot compare to the miracle that is our delicate, transitory lives. Love is not something we can control or manipulate. Love is freedom. So why attempt to capture and define it? Love offers strength through vulnerability. So why attempt to restrain its flow? Love is infinite. So why attempt to quantify it? Don’t get me wrong here I want a relationship. I deserve a healthy, loving relationship and so do you.

I am just tired. I am tired of waking up every morning in a full suit of armor. I am tired of fighting to maintain a constant state of mediocrity. I am tired of resisting the pull of my heart. I am tired of juggling the millions of tiny white lies I tell myself everyday just to justify my fears. The universe creates miracles for each and everyone of us, every single day, and every single day we collectively say “No, sorry I am not worthy. I am not ready. I am too busy. I am too scared.” Sometimes we can’t even see those miracles because our thinking has become too rigid to allow for awe/curiosity/joy. My answer is yes. Yes, I will continue on this journey. I want to see what happens. I want to create together with the universe. I want to create something magical with you. Something organic, orgasmic, and totally original. I want to step outside of my little ego box and feel everything that it is within me to feel. I want to be human. Imperfect. Me. You.

With everything that I am your DF

Love Letter #22

Dear DM,

Today I am everything. Today I am feral, emotionally volatile, full of all sorts of delightful contradictions. I have been thinking about the telepathic conversations we’ve had and all the things you’ve said (I can’t do them justice here and I am not sure how to paraphrase). You are more forthcoming than you realize. I can feel you loving me, it permeates my whole being. My perception of myself is changing. Not in a detrimental way. Not in subservience but in positive, inexplicable ways. I just feel better about myself and I am not sure why. Maybe you have loved all the hate out of me?

Today I am the yin and the yang. I am every emotion and its counterpart. I want to take my time with you and I want to ravish you outright (I am practicing patience). I feel like I am coming apart, opening up, expanding, erupting, unraveling. I feel. What else can I say?

I have been sick with the flu. Yesterday I finally gave up and took a nap. I have no idea how long I slept but well beyond 30 minutes! I woke up inside of the dream and found you there beside me. Our faces were touching. I was holding you. Believe me when I say that no one could have appeared more real to me. You reached out your hand and I woke up. I think it was the shock/excitement of finding you with me in the middle of the day.

Thank you for being there. Night after night. Day after day. I love every moment with you. Sometimes, and I can admit this to you because I have given up keeping secrets, I get jealous of other people’s connections. I think of all the things I want to do with you in the 3D and all the things we haven’t done or said face to face. I also think what amazing things are still ahead of us and of all the amazing things we do now. You pay attention to me, like really pay attention to me. You show me again and again in the 5D the depth of love and life. I imagine you to be a very busy person but you make the time. So I feel a little spoiled, a little selfish for saying so but I know you will forgive me. 

Maya Isac- CFL

I’m lost in your eyes

You look at me like I’m the only one standing here

I like your vibe

Keep talking, it feels like you’re knocking on my door

Crystal fire light

A hand on a shoulder sliding down

Losing track of time

Our moment is sober, taking over us

You’re giving me shivers baby

I left all my lipstick on you

Don’t want to wipe off the smile I’m wearing

I just want to dance

Been feeling lonely lately

Everything seems to go wrong

All around life is crazy

And I just want to dance

I just want to dance

Don’t do me wrong

Don’t get all perfect

I’m the one who wants to know your secrets

Let’s tell it all

No need to hide it

Tomorrow’s dawn will bring a promise

Crystal fire light

A hand on a shoulder sliding down

Losing track of time

Our moment is sober, taking over us

You’re giving me shivers baby…

With all that I am your DF