The Unseen

It has been a while since I have sat down to write anything. The pressure is terrific. I haven’t left enough space to create. I have too many competing ideas. I am blocked and overwhelmed to bursting.

 

I am not sure where to start so I’ll start at the beginning.  I have been doing a lot of soul-searching lately. I have spent a lot of time outside in nature. Thinking about it now I spend a lot of time talking (whether out loud, on paper, in thought) but not a lot of time listening. 

 

Some months ago I made an impassioned prayer to the universe. I don’t want to live in a world without magic. In other words I don’t want to live my whole life limited by the perceptions of my ego. I never imagined what that would actually mean. I realized that reality has many layers/dimensions. What we usually take for reality is derived from our senses, experiences, values, beliefs etc. This is the reality which is more or less agreed upon by the society we live in and yet each person still possesses a reality unique to them. You will never find two identical versions of reality. But there is more to reality than the content of our senses and our upbringing. Technology allows us to see some of that unseen world. Education expands imagination/awareness but it can also block our intuition when we use it to confirm the limited views of our egos (think of all the outdated/debunked information you learned in school!). The best minds are flexible, open, curious, and humble. So much still remains unknown to us. The universe is full of mysteries, of unanswerable questions, of flux. Unknown and unreal are two very different things and yet we often allow our limited and limiting ego to fill in these gaps with fear and doubt. The ego insists that there can be only one right answer to a question/only one right of being/doing/seeing. The ego requires confirmation even at the expense of other people. The ego cannot live and let live. The ego manipulates, separates, and judges. Lizard-brain. Little god. Child.

 

Often we forget that dreams constitute a huge portion of our reality. We spend around ⅓ of our lives asleep, part of that time we are dreaming. We also dream when we are awake. Dreams are vital and they too are reality.

 

It said that we have a second brain in our stomach. “The enteric nervous system is often referred to as our body’s second brain. There are hundreds of millions of neurons connecting the brain to the enteric nervous system, the part of the nervous system that is tasked with controlling the gastrointestinal system. This vast web of connections monitors the entire digestive tract from the esophagus to the anus. The enteric nervous system is so extensive that it can operate as an independent entity without input from our central nervous system, although they are in regular communication.”

 

The bacteria in our gut can actually send signals to our brains! We can’t see bacteria with the naked eye and when all is properly working we don’t even think much about them. Yet there they are alive within us, communicating with us, essential to our life/health. If we abuse ourselves they can even make us sick. Nature too has a delicate balance. We’ve seen what happens when we try to beat nature into submission. We often forget that we are a part of nature. We are connected to every living thing on the planet. The planet/our planet is alive. I believe in a collective unconscious. This is why so many of our philosophies and religions end up saying essentially the same thing even though the creators of the original stories had no “ego to ego” interaction.

 

I have been fascinated lately by the unseen world as you can see. There is an anime called Mushishi that I am currently rewatching. Here is a basic plot summary.

 

Mushi are the most primitive form of life. They have no goals/no agenda aside from being. They are neither good or bad. They can exist in countless forms and are capable of mimicking things in the natural world. They can even mimic disease. Most people cannot see them in their original form but they do have the ability to affect humans (altered perception, disease, unusual abilities). They appear in the show as ethereal, sort of like floaters, except that they are light instead of dark.

 

“Floaters are little “cobwebs” or specks that float about in your field of vision. They are small, dark, shadowy shapes that can look like spots, thread-like strands, or squiggly lines. They move as your eyes move and seem to dart away when you try to look at them directly.”

 

I am not trying to convince you that mushi exist (we didn’t always know about viruses and bacteria haha). The point is I believe there is much unseen in this world. Just because something is unknown or unseen doesn’t make it inconsequential. Just because we don’t know how something works doesn’t mean it is broken. Just because we don’t understand someone’s point of view doesn’t mean that they are disposable, wrong, a threat, an obstacle to our success/happiness. Why give someone else all your power? Life is sacred.

 

I haven’t even begun to touch upon my beliefs on the afterlife, spirits and such but I will save it for another time.

 

I wanted to share a story with you.

 

“There was once a stonecutter who was dissatisfied with himself and with his position in life.

One day he passed a wealthy merchant’s house. Through the open gateway, he saw many fine possessions and important visitors. “How powerful that merchant must be!” thought the stonecutter. He became very envious and wished that he could be like the merchant.

To his great surprise, he suddenly became the merchant, enjoying more luxuries and power than he had ever imagined, but envied and detested by those less wealthy than himself. Soon a high official passed by, carried in a sedan chair, accompanied by attendants and escorted by soldiers beating gongs. Everyone, no matter how wealthy, had to bow low before the procession. “How powerful that official is!” he thought. “I wish that I could be a high official!”

Then he became the high official, carried everywhere in his embroidered sedan chair, feared and hated by the people all around. It was a hot summer day, so the official felt very uncomfortable in the sticky sedan chair. He looked up at the sun. It shone proudly in the sky, unaffected by his presence. “How powerful the sun is!” he thought. “I wish that I could be the sun!”

Then he became the sun, shining fiercely down on everyone, scorching the fields, cursed by the farmers and laborers. But a huge black cloud moved between him and the earth, so that his light could no longer shine on everything below. “How powerful that storm cloud is!” he thought. “I wish that I could be a cloud!”

Then he became the cloud, flooding the fields and villages, shouted at by everyone. But soon he found that he was being pushed away by some great force, and realized that it was the wind. “How powerful it is!” he thought. “I wish that I could be the wind!”

Then he became the wind, blowing tiles off the roofs of houses, uprooting trees, feared and hated by all below him. But after a while, he ran up against something that would not move, no matter how forcefully he blew against it – a huge, towering rock. “How powerful that rock is!” he thought. “I wish that I could be a rock!”

Then he became the rock, more powerful than anything else on earth. But as he stood there, he heard the sound of a hammer pounding a chisel into the hard surface, and felt himself being changed. “What could be more powerful than I, the rock?” he thought.

He looked down and saw far below him the figure of a stonecutter.”

Sometimes we forget how powerful we are. Reality is shaped by our perception which means it can be changed. We are actively creating the world we live in, let your beliefs reflect the type of world you want to live in and reality will follow. When we act from a place of gratitude and abundance there is always enough. Enough time. Enough love. Enough money. Enough resources. The ego’s constant sense of scarcity is what leads us to the selfish actions that deplete the earth and our relationships with other people. The ego will never feel whole, full, or connected. Honor the ego’s service (it has a function, it is after all connected to our survival instinct!), honor your emotions (knowing that like weather they pass), but don’t buy into the story line, don’t cling to outcomes which are a small part of our experience (the journey is the vast majority of our experience). Imagine if you chose to enjoy the embarkation, the journey, and the destination? Your life would be so much more rewarding then if you allow yourself only the few seconds of ecstasy you get from the completion of a task/goal. Remember how good anticipation feels. How exciting life is when you allow it to flow. Write your own story. Dare to be a mystery, to go a day without needing to define everything. Dare to look inside of yourself, even at the darkness within, dare to love the places that hurt.  When you look out at the ocean or up in the sky, at the vastness of it all you see potential, power, beauty, and enigma. Our bodies may be small/finite but the spirit is infinite, beautiful, mysterious, and full of potential. We create truth by becoming expressions of truth, by honoring our inner cycles, by following our intuitive knowing. Choose freedom.

Wordle #196

Wordle 196

All I ever do is write
but words can only
take you so far.
Sometimes the air curves
like a waning satellite,
sometimes it takes
blood even to breathe.

My intuition falters
in the face of my fears.
I have forgotten
what it is to be
autonomous.
Advice never comes
free of expectation.
How do I stay wild
and still belong?

I am just a series
of regressions.
Sometimes it takes
greatness just to survive
from one moment to the next.
I gave it all away
without a thought
as to how I would ever
replace it and I just fell apart.

Now you say to me
do it again.
Do it again.
Give it up.
No one gets to have
No one gets to be
Writing just isn’t
something that
you can afford.
Be useful
go and shine
someone else’s shit.

Promise

You will find me
in a cascade of stars
burning for each breath.
Brush my hair back
before my eyes
set fire to it.

Whisper
your secrets
into my mouth,
place them
on my tongue
without apology
and I promise
to swallow
everything.
There is
nothing
so dark
in you
that I wouldn’t
gladly marry it
to my heart.

I am my own
still I
wouldn’t mind
filling my days
and nights
with you.
I look at you
from a distance
that doesn’t make
a difference
to my soul.
It is strange
to say but
I know
I know you.

There is
nothing
so broken
in you
that I can’t
gather it
in my arms.

Wordle #194

Word Art (9)

Stridulate with anxiety

I search your face

for permission to speak.

I don’t know why

it has become so hard

to talk to you.

I don’t know why

I keep forgetting

who you are.

I don’t know why

I let your words

conceal my beliefs.

My heart is miles wide

and riddled with cracks.

My heart is wabi-sabi.

My heart is beautiful

when in use.

I wash the blood

from your wounds.

Wounds big as windows

but too dark to see through.

I was the girl with the stiletto tears.

I was the girl that spoke

about extraordinary love.

I was the girl who scared

you senseless.

We are walking backwards

in a room that smells of copper,

in a room wet with virtue.

I am your downfall.

I am lost in your sadness,

in your infinite guilt.

The soles of my feet

are bruised and torn.

I have walked for miles.

I have walked for ages.

I have prioritized your pain

over my own happiness

and you have done the same.

You attach your thoughts

to everything.

You eat up all the space

inside of me.

You let me throw

my love into a black hole.

You feel only

what you think

you deserve to feel

and you haven’t

felt even half

of what I’ve given.

Wordle #193 “Take Your Time”

Wordle 193

I want to take my time kissing you,
to slide my tongue between
the seams of your naked smile
and drink of your plaintive breath.
I want to taste the way you taste.

Let your smile cling
to my overexposed heart.
Take my words and wrap them around your tongue.
Feel without speaking
the miracle of your soul
interlaced with mine.

I want you to surrender
between my knees,
to pierce me like running water,
to spill into my darkness
hunger-blind and ineffable.
It doesn’t matter where we meet
only that you arrive
when the time comes.

I’ll make this easy.
I’ll take my time
making love to you.
I’ll fill my heart with stars
and I’ll burn brighter than the moon
so that wherever you go
you’ll always find your way
back to me.

3D

There is no label

that can compare

to the two of us gathered

in each other’s arms

without any walls between.

 

I can feel you surrender

with each and every breath

and you are soul-close

holding me with the force

of your heart behind it.

 

There is nothing

that can compare

to the magic

of two people

occupying 

a single moment

with their hearts’

stripped down

to the naked truth.

 

I can feel myself surrendering

with each and every breath

and I am soul-open

holding you with the force

of my heart behind it.

Reborn

I wake to find you

inside of my head,

my thoughts pushed aside

like a curtain

and your essence

thick as cream

saturating my senses.

You have something to say,

something that can 

only be said in the off hours

when we are

too naked for cover.

I wake to find you

digging a crawl space

inside of my soul

and you are so lost

that I can’t tell

where my body begins.

I wake to find your voice 

inside of my head

“I’m gonna steal you.”

and how can you steal me

when we belong together?

I wake to find your heart

fluttering in the palm

of my hand and your fear,

palpable as blood,

spilling between

my trembling fingers.

You say you’re obsessed

and it scares you.

Should I take that as a sign

that you’ve reached your limit,

that you might not be able

to hold back next time 

I get overwhelmed?

You say you’re obsessed

but I am too.

I just want to drink

of your endless fire.

I just want to breakthrough

before my walls collapse.

I just want fall apart

in your arms

the way the universe

dies each time it is reborn.

Take Responsibility

Lately I have had in my head to write a few blogs. So here goes.

 

A life lesson hard-learned and still very much in progress

 

Don’t assign responsibility for your emotions to other people. I think there is this idea that our partner is supposed to make us happy. I think it also satisfies something within our own vanity if we believe that we have the power to make another person happy.

 

Why it doesn’t work/create balanced healthy relationships

 

It is a tremendous burden to place on another person. For whatever reason people believe that once they are mentally healthy/spiritually enlightened/in the right relationship they won’t have to deal with the so-called “unpleasant” emotions anymore. All previous traumas and wounds will be cured. They’ll achieve a near constant state of zen-like euphoria/tranquility. Emotions themselves are completely natural and necessary, they make life fuller/richer, and they are great teachers (we learn compassion through suffering). Emotions can’t be cured. There really isn’t a good or bad emotion, it is all in our response to the emotions. Are we able to express ourselves constructively when we are in a downward emotional spiral? Are we able to harness the energy from those so-called negative emotions in productive ways? Are we able to sit with our emotions whatever they are and experience them fully? Are we able to drop the story-lines, the hypotheticals, the what-if scenarios and remain open and curious to what is actually happening around us? Do we listen to our intuition or do we seek absolute truths and confirmations? Probably not all of the time and that’s okay. It is okay to be human!

 

When you believe your emotions are external/caused by other people then you seek out external remedies/solutions. Any relief we get from these external remedies is temporary at best and can lead to various addictions and unbalanced relationships. You feel lonely so you text your crush for the 15th time. Your cute, funny, sweet, whiny, passive aggressive texts have nothing to do with spending quality time with this person they are for you and about you. You want to feel better and you have determined that the way to feel better is by obtaining validation from your crush. Even if your crush responds to you with humor/kindness/compassion/sensitivity and is able to provide you a moment of relief/distraction you will quickly find that the feeling of loneliness returns and just like with any addictive behavior you will require increasingly high doses of validation in order to numb your sense of loneliness. Only you don’t just feel loneliness anymore. You also feel guilt/shame/hopelessness/worthlessness. If your crush does not respond favorably you are also likely to feel humiliated/resentful and altogether unworthy of love. Meanwhile your crush could be left feeling drained/taken for granted/guilty etc. 

 

A partner who has been given this burden/responsibility will invariably come to see your negative emotions as a failure on their part. You are sad which means they have failed you. They feel guilty. In time they will start to resent your negative moods altogether and your negative moods will almost certainly send them into a downward emotional spiral. They will find it difficult to listen to you when you need to talk about emotionally-charged topics because they are too busy trying to fix/solve the issue and fix/solve their perceived inadequacies. Your sadness will almost become a betrayal to them. They will start to feel that you are ungrateful because they have been bending over backwards to please you. If you yourself find that you get angry with your partner when they are in a bad mood even without provocation then guess what you are operating under the illusion that you are somehow magically in charge of their emotions. You are taking their moods personally. You are making their moods about you! It’s not about you! How can you ever express compassion to another person if you make everything about you?! If you are shielding them from responsibility for their actions then you might even be depriving them of valuable life lessons. We develop confidence by facing opposition there is no other way.

 

A relationship like this can’t be balanced because these types of relationship really diminish respect on both sides of the equation over time.

 

Relationships absolutely enrich our lives. Humans are social creatures. We have a need for connection. There is nothing wrong with that and there is nothing wrong with curling up in someone’s arms and having a good cry. There is also nothing wrong with being that lap/shoulder. It can be a very beautiful thing. When you shift your mind set from being responsible for your partner’s feelings/happiness to being responsible for your own feelings/happiness you will find you are able to give more generously, to experience and express gratitude/love more fully, to be more authentic with your partner etc. Also you will start to be more curious about who your partner is/is becoming as a person. All too often we have this arrogance/pride that we know our partner what they think/feel/need/will do/say in any situation and we build this very limiting construct of the person that doesn’t really allow them much space to grow/breathe/be. It is scary to think of someone changing/growing if you have given them control of your happiness you know? Teach people how you want to be treated by loving yourself first!

Universe

No one can love you

from the depths

that I can love you.

No one can know you

the way that I know

because I have seen

inside of you like a dream.

I can feel your tears

whether or not they fall

in every part of my being.

I’ll go on choosing you

even if it takes lifetimes

for my heart to reach you.

I have a will of my own

and a soul full of miracles.

Together we will ascend

like feathers in the wind.

I want to lie down

in your arms.

I want to lie down

against your naked body

and fall asleep to the sound

of your breath

like a whisper in a shell.

I want your hands

to rearrange everything

inside of me.

I know you feel the same

because I feel you.

I can feel your dreams

slipping into me

and your lips

laying invisible blueprints

over my skin.

You are the only one

who can find me.

The only one who can see

what lies behind the stars 

and if you want

you can bury your secrets

in me like a key inside a stone.

I am your home.

Give me your hand,

the cards you hold

close to your vest.

The two and the three.

Together we could be

everything.

Together we are

the universe.

Wordle #191

wordle-20200524-large

I wear masks six feet thick.

I wear masks while running

in a meretricious wheel.

My heart goes in circles

and my head along with it.

Boom. Boom. Boom.

I wear masks that don’t quite fit

because deep down

I am still fucking human.

 

I am two eyes blinking

earnestly in a crowded room.

I am a pair of worn out shoes

tumbling in a metal drum.

Boom. Boom. Boom.

Sometimes I dabble 

in aeromancy.

Replicating my replications

like a hamster blind

with the need to conceive.

I am nothing new.

I am entirely different.

 

The clock reads 11:11.

My smokey, Chesire-grin

hesitates from the shadows.

Ours is a desire

that never sleeps.

We dream and gather.

My synapses go

boom, boom, boom

whenever you enter me.

I could get lost in you.

You make me feel so deep.

 

I see past

your birch-skin facade

and your beautiful foliage.

I see beyond

your virtues and your failings.

I see the better part

of myself in you.

Outside of my window

the sun is a stiletto stabbing 

at the corners of my eyes.

I am wide awake

and your voice

is in my head

soft as satin.