Love Letter 2

Dear DM,

Today I will dispense with metaphors and pretty words. Just for now. Just because I am feeling frustrated and confused and in desperate need of something tangible. I am frustrated with myself. I am feeling stuck and I don’t know how to unstick myself. It’s hard letting go of the past. I want to become someone new. Not myself. Not, not myself. I want to grow beyond the limitations of my ego but I just can’t work out how to do it. 

I have had some time to think since this morning. I am feeling better now. When we remain true to ourselves the right people and the right opportunities appear at the right time. I keep trying to become someone for the sake of “doing something” for the sake of “being something” for the sake of “fitting neatly into misshapen spaces”. Just when I think I am finally “being” I catch myself “doing” the wrong things sometimes for the right reasons, sometimes for the wrong reasons, sometimes for no reason at all. Why must I overcomplicate everything? I don’t know what the hell I am doing if I am being honest (and having read this I don’t know what I am talking about either). It occurs to me that one can’t let go of the past from a place of resentment/anger. Those emotions are close-fisted/incarcerating. If I want to let go of the past I have to open my hands/unlock the doors/open the windows, I speak now of gratitude and forgiveness and I can’t help but feel that they are the key to unlocking all the doors within me. Maybe loneliness doesn’t come from having too little of someone or something, maybe loneliness comes from having too much/from not making time/room for oneself/from filling up one’s space and time with somethings and someones. Maybe loneliness is a call of celebration, a celebration of the freedom of self, of genuine expression. As queer and lovely as that sounds I still want to hold you. I want to give you my undivided attention, to lie awake for hours experiencing you on every level.

Once again I find my letters full of abstractions. The whole point of this letter was to admit my ignorance. I don’t know everything dear one. I know only that I love you and that underneath my knowing and my ignorance I always have within me a profound sense of you.

With everything that I am your DF

Wishes

I want to live in a world where magic exists and dreams can be made manifest. I want to revolutionize love.  I want to love and be loved in kind. I want to have sex with abandon. I want to come into union with myself. I want to be in union with my other half. I want to be myself. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to be more like water. I want to dance with the journey. I want to live with passion. I want to write with passion. I want to dream beautiful moments into being. I want to follow my heart. I want to heal and forgive. I want to surrender. I want to open my heart and my mind to new experiences. I want to laugh until I cry. I want to cry when I mean it. I want to smile so much that when I am old everyone will know that I chose joy and gratitude as my default.

My Reasons For Trying The Kondo Method/The Life I Want

So Marie advises in her book to explore the reasons for undertaking the Konmari method, what you want your life to be like, and how you want to experience your home. Past me would have settled with I want my house to be tidy and cleaning to be less of a chore. I rarely question the force that drives me or the intentions behind each and every act. So naturally I struggled with this and admittedly it is still an ongoing source of introspection.

 

First I will start simply with my desires for a typical work week

 

I want to wake feeling that I have slept deeply and comfortably. I want to feel focused, refreshed, energized, and ready to begin the day.

During my yoga practice I want to be present in mind, body, and spirit. I want to start a dialogue with myself as a whole that will lead to better decision making and more authentic self expression.

During meals I want to eat consciously and unhurriedly at the table. I want to enjoy each bite and to stop eating when I am satisfied. I want to recognize my bodies’ signals of hunger and satiation. I want to eat more nutritious, home cooked meals.

At the bus stop I want to feel relaxed and know that however late the bus might be that I will be able to figure it out and to remember that it is rarely late enough to impact my actual day.

On the bus I wish to use the time writing, reading, or meditating

At work I want to be efficient, productive, and adaptable. Whenever complications arise I want to recall that I have survived countless stressful situations before and to trust in my support system. If a particular job doesn’t work out I want to know that I did my best and that I was patient and endeavored to learn as much as possible from the experience.

I want to use my various walks outdoors to take in and connect with the beauty of nature and to remember to breathe

I want to challenge myself in my workouts, to have fun, and to respect and listen to my body

I want cleaning to be efficient and even peaceful. I want it to be a small portion of the day that occurs organically. When cleaning with my daughter I want to teach her skills that will increase her independence and from her I wish to learn more about  teamwork.

I want to communicate in a loving tone and avoid raising my voice.

I want to express my gratitude in both word and deed.

I want to ask with interest about my family’s day, listen to their struggles and triumphs and enjoy a proper, unhurried conversation

I want to enjoy cooking and to use it as a vehicle to practice mindfulness. When Isadora asks to help I want to avoid the knee jerk freak out and teach her when feasible.  I want to make an extra portion for my lunches when possible to avoid eating frozen meals all the time

I want to take it less personally when dinner does not turn out and to learn from it rather than be discouraged.

I want to play more family games and to have movie nights on occasion

With Sam I want to really talk, to laugh (we do), to try new activities together, and to have sex which is fun and uninhibited.

I want to feel good in my skin and yes even pretty!

I want to regard the time after dinner as just as important as the time before and to not be afraid of using or altering it

I want to relax before bed so I can go to sleep without the troubles of the day nagging me. Relaxation might include meditation, listening to soothing music/sounds or talks by Alan Watts, watching the night sky or beautiful images of nature

Before falling asleep I want to send out positive wishes to the world and recall something or someone for which I am grateful

 

Other

I want to communicate openly with my therapist and learn to forgive myself and to trust myself again

I want to be more curious about myself, people, life itself

I want to enjoy long walks on the weekends with myself, my family together and/ or individually

I want to enjoy more spontaneous trips and recreations on the weekends

I want to travel more

I want to be sure to exercise my brain a little each week with studies

I want to create more and to write the stories down that are in my head

I want to work passionately on whatever project I start

I want to find some semblance of balance in my obsessive/tumultuous soul while still honoring and experiencing my various emotional states

When I write to someone I’d like to do so with more attentiveness and to write a little more beautifully though not ostentatiously

When I speak to someone I want to give them my attention and respect and to be more patient with other people

I want to be more resilient and adaptive to change

 

My house

I want my house to be tidy and organized!

I want all members of the household to be capable of finding/returning their belongings without my assistance

I want my belongings to have a home and work in harmony with me

I want household items to be easily accessible

I don’t want everything I love to stay in storage indefinitely

I don’t want so much clutter and so much stuff that the space/flow, which is equally precious to creation, becomes obstructed

I would like my home to feel safe, peaceful, and inviting

I would like an environment that encourages creativity and where as much as possible of the furniture and decor has been made by members of the family

I want a home full of laughter

I don’t want to do the panic clean before guests arrive because I am secure and proud of my home at all times

I don’t want to clean so fanatically and obsessively that I forget to actually enjoy having a home in the first place!

I want to respect my house as if had a soul

I want to be able to unwind in my own home, to express and be my authentic self, and I want that for every member of my household

I want my home to represent the people who live in it

I want my home to have a touch of magic

 

Epithet

surreal_tiger_portrait_by_sophieartx-d60eanuI was not prepared to exonerate praise

I am subcutaneous, an indelible will

That feasts on skeleton keys

And condemnation

I do not know how to be loved

Much less distinguished

*

My lips deny the passage

Of stereotypes but sincerity

Is impossible to exclude

*

Curious but oft nullified

By an aversion to ceremony

I am gripped by your candor

But the epithet does not integrate

With my own diminished esteem

*

For many, including myself, praise can difficult to reconcile with self perception. I sometimes find myself completely bewildered by compliments. I’ve even looked around the room when someone is being complimentary in order to locate the subject! On an entirely different note my vertigo had subsided to a nice generic dizziness but this morning it returned full force.

Christmas Tree

christmas_tree_by_arlettblackraven-d5p9kls

Rows and rows of conifers

Dart past the window

Each one a riddle

A dream construct

Around which gifts

Are posthumously attached

*

I press my cold hands

Between my thighs

There’s an ax in the backseat

And a felon with a volatile temper

In the front smoking

With the window rolled down

*

The air tastes like

Aluminum and cremation

I am excited, cautious

And entirely insurmountable

The numbers on the white signs

Are shrinking along with the wares

*

We stop at the very end of the lot

The trees are dressed

In disheveled skirts of green and brown

They are beautiful

Stoic even as the blade comes

Swooping down

*

My father and uncle

Fasten the tree

To the roof of the car

Money exchanges hands

Poverty is contagious

No one suffers alone

Eventually the backs

On which we stand

Collapse

*

The tree farm is owned by a family

Incomprehensibly they invite us for dinner

I have no idea if we’re related

They are probably cousins,

I have scores of unmet relatives

All over the city

*

Their home is modest

As far as I can tell

It’s mostly a kitchen

All the other rooms

Are dark and inanimate

The counter is filled with food

Collard greens, biscuits, fried chicken

Miscellaneous chicken parts

That smell internal

*

I take a seat and tuck in

Too self-conscious

For conversation

But grateful for the food

And company

*

This was a difficult write for me as my memories are all very sketchy!

10 Blogs You Should Check Out!

Youareawesome

1. Oh Pithy Me

http://abstractorganizedchaosliterally.wordpress.com/

2. The Adventures of Writing

http://laurie27wsmith.wordpress.com/

3. Wordifull

http://wordifull.com/

4. Waystations

http://www.waystationone.com/

5. Liars, Hypocrites, and The Development of Human Emotion

http://tjtherien.wordpress.com/

6. The Sanctuary of my Heart

http://thesanctuaryofmyheart.com/

7. some call it red

http://taehreh.wordpress.com/

8. Shainbird

http://shainbird.wordpress.com/

9. She’s in Prison

http://shesinprison.com/

10. annjohnsonmurphreeauthor

http://annjohnsonmurphreeauthor.wordpress.com/

10 Blogs You Should Check Out

Amazing

This list is not all inclusive! My intention is to do this periodically as a way of showcasing blogs that I love =) If your name isn’t on this list it doesn’t mean that I don’t love you or that your name won’t appear on a future list.  I did not limit my selection to other wordpress sites.

In no particular order

1. who could know then

http://whocouldknowthen.wordpress.com/

2. Warning The Stars

http://warningthestars.blogspot.se/

3. Lisa A. Williams

http://law-poetry.blogspot.se/

4. Reowr

http://reowr.wordpress.com/

5.  Tarnation and Eudemonia

http://beijomacio.wordpress.com/

6. Color me in Cyanide and Cherries

http://olorielmoonshadow.wordpress.com/

7. B.G. Bowers

http://bgbowers.com/

8. Elia Bintang

http://eliabintang.me/

9. Helen Valentina

http://helenvalentina.com/

10. Arkadia

http://maryazilberberg.wordpress.com/

Thank You

thank-you-wallpaper

The way

Your smile leans

Against my heart,

Keeps me

From losing

Faith

*

The way

Your eyes

Wrap around

My words

Reminds me

That I am not

Irretrievable

Even

When

Fragmented

You lift me up

As though

I were whole

As though

I were weightless

*

I fail

Passively,

Defeat

Preceding

Endeavor

Your love

Is free

You are

The hope

That unlaces

My tragedy

The wind

That gathers

Me wild

From a serried

Earth

*

You made me

Believe

That I could be

Myself

Without inoculation

Or shame

You made me

Believe

That I could

Indite this muse

Even though

She scars on

Deliverance

Even though

I am too fragile

To unfold her

Wholly

*

This is my way of saying THANK YOU for the friendship, for the encouragement, for the faith =) You can use Mr. Linky to share your own Thank You poem to you readers, friends, or family or you can simply share a link to your blog generally or to any entry on your blog that you feel like sharing.  If clicking your icon doesn’t link to your blog please share your link below because I can’t find some of you,