I recently joined a pen pal group. I have only spoken to a couple of people so far. The relationships are still new, still malleable. It’s fun. It’s unpredictable. It’s overwhelming. Listening to other people talk about their philosophies on love, on the types connections they are seeking has given me a lot to think about. I haven’t come to any real conclusions as of yet but here’s the gist.
Am I capable of having no strings attached sex?
Can I have a threesome without drama and/or jealousy? It’s a great fantasy but is it pleasurable in practice? I guess there’s only one way to know that but do I have that kind of follow through?
Is it possible to decide on a conscious/rational level not to feel certain things?
What I definitely know
I am sexually frustrated.
I am having a hard time connecting fully because I really, really wanted Axel to be the one.
I am lonely and confused about intimacy.
I can’t do carnality without sensuality. I want both. I want wild, passionate sex but I also want to be kissed and held. Even if it’s only for a finite time I want to be worshipped and to worship in turn.
God I just want to be touched.
I want to know someone inside and out. I am talking writing a journal together close. I am not interested in judging or changing anyone. I just want to connect. Now it might be that it’s a bad idea to know a lover so well, I can’t say. But I want to know someone as I know myself, inhibitions be damned.
I like the idea of a lasting relationship even if the form of the relationship changes with time. I mean we all evolve so it makes sense but it’s too lonely to live a life on the surface, from the senses alone. Sometimes you’ve got to drown.
I don’t know if a single person can contain these multitudes and I am still not entirely clear on what attracts me. A sexy voice, beautiful hands, a sense of playfulness, sensuality mixed with carnality, eccentricity, sincerity, an appreciation of the absurd, thoughtfulness, an appreciation of art and poetry etc. I want someone who would come to me, take a risk. Someone who challenges as well as compliments me.
It’s a lot to think about