Where do I even begin? Today is a good day. Today I feel at peace with the journey. I am still feeling pretty tired though. I am struggling to string a sentence together! I am not sure I can even manage the abstractions necessary to convey my recent discoveries/undertakings. You were in my dreams last night. I felt you on top of me. I felt you embrace me.
I am re-reading “Happiness is a Choice” by Barry Neil Kaufman. I used to be obsessed with self-improvement. The changes I made were temporary or taken to unhealthy extremes. I fought against myself the entire time, the struggle was biblical! At some point I realized I was using self-improvement as a way to punish myself. I wasn’t seeking empowerment. I was seeking escape. I wasn’t seeking acceptance. I was seeking total annihilation of the self. I wanted to be someone else entirely. Oddly something about this book got through to me. It gave me a real sense of hope. It made me feel like it was okay to be myself. That’s my superpower. My hidden talent. My calling. Being myself. Simple right? That is all I ever wanted though permission to be myself. I know that is all you would ask of me because it is all I ask of you. I am reading it again as a way of understanding the journey.
I tend toward pessimism. So I have a way for maximizing the pain in any situation. I don’t just live a difficult experience once. I live it countless times in my mind. Each reiteration is more terrifying than the previous. Do you want to know how to change the past? Forgive. Bless the experiences which have led you to this moment. Pour yourself and your energy into the present. In this way you can reclaim your power. At least this is what I think.
Do you know how to stop worrying about the future? I don’t. Just kidding. No really I have no idea but I think it also comes in embracing the beauty of the present moment. What if you didn’t set your story in stone? What if you didn’t set your identity in stone? What if you left the lid off? Put in some air holes? Opened a window? Cracked a door? What if you left some space so someone or something new could enter? What if you allowed for the possibility of a miracle? A dream come true? What if you left in a little mystery? What if sometimes you let the ground under your feet give way? So far the best trick I have found to deal with “what ifs” is the “So what approach.” I care. I care a lot but the one thing I have learned is that whatever happens it’s usually way better than I imagined it. Sometimes it just lines up better with my true self. Every now and again things turn to shit but not often and since I am writing this it’s proof that I survived those storms. Proof that I’ve grown. I know what I want but do I really want to ruin the surprise by turning it into a script? Or worse screw myself out of a surprise altogether by resisting change? Do I really need to wear myself out fighting/proving/defending? The truth is in how I feel. I love you. I love you in this moment. I love you without having everything written in blood/chiseled in bone. I love you from the depths of my soul. So what the hell is there to worry about? It’s all good. It’s better than good. It is fucking miraculous!
With everything I am your DF