(I start writing this last night, forgive the rambling incoherence)
My dreams have been very strange the last few nights. For example I dreamed of us together on a sofa breeding aliens in prescription bottles. There was another dream too, I got a name. I looked up the name online and found two accounts both empty and a word saudade which means- a deep emotional state of nostalgic or profound melancholic longing for an absent something or someone that one cares for and/or loves. I wondered if maybe you had an alias or if we were both missing each other at the same time.
I think about our journey everyday. I think about you every minute of everyday and it is as if my brain had the hiccups. I think about myself too and I can’t tell if I am running toward you or away from you. I only know that I want to be closer, much closer. Soul, skin, heart I crave your touch in every sense of the word. Mostly I think myself into tourniquets, into tight panicked circles that suffocate. At the moment I am having trouble thinking about anything, I have a headache, a heartache, a soulache. I am throbbing all over.
Today my hunger for you exceeded my compassion. For a moment I lost you to jealousy. It wasn’t anything substantiated, it was simply the thought of you with someone else. I forgot that you have your own journey. I forgot about your happiness. I wanted you to be here, to be mine, to speak the words that I have only dared to write.
This whole time deep down I believed that in order for you to love me I needed to become someone. That I needed to do something to prove myself your equal. That I needed to say something particular to unlock the secrets between us. As if those answers were external, problems to be solved. I kept myself busy trying to change your mind without even knowing what it was you had in mind. I was worried about how you might see me. I was scared that you would put me in a box. I didn’t want to be just another customer. I didn’t want to be another lovesick fan. I didn’t want to be a stranger. Yet these are the terms I used to define myself. These are also the terms I use to frighten myself back into reality. In defining myself in this way I put you into a box too.
I thought about my need to know what happens next in any given situation. I thought about all of the time I have wasted confirming my own beliefs at the expense of experience. I thought about how rare it is to make love. I thought about how almost all relationships end with one person saying “I don’t know you anymore.” when what they really mean is “Somewhere along the line I decided that comfort was more important to me than happiness.” I guess what I am saying is that there is a reason for the uncertainty, for the not knowing, for the indefinable nature of it all. We aren’t here to define each other. We aren’t meant to simply go through the motions. We are meant to discover each other every minute of everyday. And it is not just you that I am getting to know, it is myself. Myself more than anyone. We are awakening.
The love we feel, is proportional to the love we give ourselves. In order to feel loved we have to trust in our own capacity to love. We have to allow ourselves to love and to be loved in turn. Love is not something we have to earn, prove, or do. It is not about pursuing another person for the sake of attainment or attachment, it is about a desire to know oneself more intimately, a willingness to be vulnerable and open whatever the circumstances. At least that was the message I received today. Actually it is a message I have received many times but it contradicts everything I learned as a child. As a child I learned it was selfish to love oneself. I learned that relationships are stiff and heavy. I learned that men and women want very different things. I tried so hard to be chosen that I lost sight of myself in the process. My needs, wants, desires, my humanness became somehow taboo. There is a song by Depeche Mode “Somebody” which describes what I want pretty well.
I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who’ll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She’ll get my support
She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She’ll hear me out
And won’t easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact, she’ll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me
I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought
And with every breath
Someone who’ll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don’t want to be tied
To anyone’s strings
I’m carefully trying to stay clear
Of those things
But when I’m asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I’ll get away with it
I wonder if I don’t actually want to be tied up by you, to be tangled up in you occasionally. I want to be myself and I want you to be yourself. To me that is freedom in the truest sense and still I think it is okay to be a bit messy, a bit complicated, a bit contradictory. I want monogamy and commitment.
Yesterday I made love to myself. It wasn’t masturbation because I was thinking of you. I pretended that you were there, inside of the sweater. It’s too big for me to wear really but every night I drape it over my naked body like a lover. I have washed it now, several times, but I remember the way it smelled. Before it smelled like me. I think that your hands must have touched it and I think of all the things I would like to do to your hands. I want to make love to your hands, I have a fetish.
mindlovemisery 