The last few days have been difficult. I’ve had trouble sleeping. I’m in pain. Emotionally. Physically. I’m feeling lost and alone. Turns out I am not that introverted. Probably I’m just shy and avoidant. In other words, I really like my fucking freedom. It’s one thing to hang out at home ‘cuz you feel like it but being stuck at home day after day due to extenuating circumstances will make you crazy. I could really use some social interaction. I don’t mean anything particular by this just that I would like to have a conversation. A day out of the house with people. Eye contact. The sound of a voice.
I went out for ice cream today. They actually had mint chocolate chip (the green kind which is best). It’s probably an American thing. Toothpaste-flavored ice cream. No idea why it’s so awesome. Yes I do. Cold on cold. I saw a couple on a date. I’m wondering if there is a platonic way to date when you’re a grownup? I love hanging out. I love inappropriate jokes. I love stupid shit like tag and play fighting. I haven’t really dated since I was a teenager. So I am probably stunted or something. To amuse myself I go on walks with headphones on and dance or pretend I’m on a runway. I live in a village of around a 1,000 so I am guessing there are, at least, a 1,000 people out there that think I’ve lost my fucking shit. Which I have. I’ve totally lost my shit.
I definently don’t want platonic with you though. If there was confusion.
I still haven’t worked out this whole concept of surrender. How do I get out of the way and just allow the universe to work its groovy voodoo? I’m really good at making things harder than they need to be. I just don’t get it. Can’t we just fuck up and see how it goes from there? I want you as is. Sometimes I wish you would say something. You know? I don’t know like give me a sign or something.
I don’t dislike myself in a general sense (though I’d be lying if I said I was always easy) but it’s been a very, very long time since anyone has expressed a romantic interest or physical attraction in me. I’m starting to develop a complex about it. I know that it doesn’t mean anything. I know my worth doesn’t come from other people’s opinions but it is just inconceivable to me at this point that someone could see me in this way. It’s been too long. I’ve forgotten how that feels. How it feels to be seduced. To be pursued. In dreams you do these things of course.
I am trying to figure out how to enjoy being awake and indoors mostly and for indefinite periods of time. Honestly, I seem to be allergic to absolutely everything in the outside world. Which reminds me I had the bright idea to use scented products in the wash so I could smell something other than my own skin and now my whole body itches like crazy and the washing machine broke shortly after so I can’t rewash my clothes. My body is short-circuiting from stress. I mean I am literally allergic to everything right now. Why?!
There was an advertisement in the Swedish newspaper about Yoni massage. Should I consider this for stress relief? I can orgasm by myself but there is so much tension in my body I feel like I am going to break in half. I really need some fun in my life. Some way to decompress.
With all my love your DF