Love Letter #35

Dear DM,

The last few days have been difficult. I’ve had trouble sleeping. I’m in pain. Emotionally. Physically. I’m feeling lost and alone. Turns out I am not that introverted. Probably I’m just shy and avoidant. In other words, I really like my fucking freedom. It’s one thing to hang out at home ‘cuz you feel like it but being stuck at home day after day due to extenuating circumstances will make you crazy. I could really use some social interaction. I don’t mean anything particular by this just that I would like to have a conversation. A day out of the house with people. Eye contact. The sound of a voice.

I went out for ice cream today. They actually had mint chocolate chip (the green kind which is best). It’s probably an American thing. Toothpaste-flavored ice cream. No idea why it’s so awesome. Yes I do. Cold on cold. I saw a couple on a date. I’m wondering if there is a platonic way to date when you’re a grownup? I love hanging out. I love inappropriate jokes. I love stupid shit like tag and play fighting. I haven’t really dated since I was a teenager. So I am probably stunted or something. To amuse myself I go on walks with headphones on and dance or pretend I’m on a runway. I live in a village of around a 1,000 so I am guessing there are, at least, a 1,000 people out there that think I’ve lost my fucking shit. Which I have. I’ve totally lost my shit.

I definently don’t want platonic with you though. If there was confusion.

I still haven’t worked out this whole concept of surrender. How do I get out of the way and just allow the universe to work its groovy voodoo? I’m really good at making things harder than they need to be. I just don’t get it. Can’t we just fuck up and see how it goes from there? I want you as is. Sometimes I wish you would say something. You know? I don’t know like give me a sign or something.

I don’t dislike myself in a general sense (though I’d be lying if I said I was always easy) but it’s been a very, very long time since anyone has expressed a romantic interest or physical attraction in me. I’m starting to develop a complex about it. I know that it doesn’t mean anything. I know my worth doesn’t come from other people’s opinions but it is just inconceivable to me at this point that someone could see me in this way. It’s been too long. I’ve forgotten how that feels. How it feels to be seduced. To be pursued. In dreams you do these things of course.

I am trying to figure out how to enjoy being awake and indoors mostly and for indefinite periods of time. Honestly, I seem to be allergic to absolutely everything in the outside world. Which reminds me I had the bright idea to use scented products in the wash so I could smell something other than my own skin and now my whole body itches like crazy and the washing machine broke shortly after so I can’t rewash my clothes. My body is short-circuiting from stress. I mean I am literally allergic to everything right now. Why?!

There was an advertisement in the Swedish newspaper about Yoni massage. Should I consider this for stress relief? I can orgasm by myself but there is so much tension in my body I feel like I am going to break in half. I really need some fun in my life. Some way to decompress.

With all my love your DF



Quick word from me. Not feeling too great. I have eczema (I think) and it is spreading fast. I think that my kitten might be the cause :-(. I recall I had a significant problem with eczema (or some form of rash) in high school and I had a cat then too but I never linked it or looked into it. I am not even sure I have eczema but I am covered in a itchy blotchy reddish rash. In general since we got Bell my health has gotten significantly worse but I hate to think it is her because I love her so much. Maybe it is just the cold dry weather but I have been in Sweden for 10 years and this is the worst outbreak by far.


Any tips for people suffering with this condition?

Week 2 Day 6

Okay so yesterday we went into town and had lunch. Car rides as I already knew are not the most comfortable thing in the world even though hubby is a very good driver. We parked very close to the restaurant and I feel that it went fine, plus it was tasty haha. I then decided to take my daily walk in town but there happened to be a X-mas market so it ended up being too many people and having to maneuver around and so cold I couldn’t stop shaking. The walk actually went better on the way back where I didn’t have to swerve constantly to avoid crowds. Yesterday though I did get 2,600 some steps which is my best. Today I am doing pretty good I think. By good I don’t mean pain free or the swelling is gone but you know better than before, freer in movement. I was able to do the 3rd exercise in my posture series and a few other exercises during yoga. From day 1 I have been thinking about my posture so I feel like I can stand strait and that nothing is pulling or adhering or anything weird. I haven’t had any issues with my breathing throughout this process and my nose has actually been clearer so I am thinking the Provera was exacerbating my allergies. My allergies aren’t gone I do sneeze and get sniffly but not as much and at night my nose isn’t stuffed whereas before lying down made it very hard to breathe out of my nose. I haven’t seen a reduction in the dryness of my eyes or mouth and I did hope Provera was contributing to that at least. I am feeling optimistic but a little impatient because I am so excited to get back into exercise. I am trying to shift that into an excitement about rehabilitation and planning my next 3 months (it takes 3 months for full internal repair). When I am able to swim I will visit the in-laws because they have a pool at their apartment that can be rented out. They live a little too far away for it to be practical regularly but it’s something to look forward to.

Little Poems

Options rescinded
Conservatism always wins
Nothing is achieved
Sinuses aggrieved
high levels of grass pollen
Can not stop sneezing
When I was a child
I was special but broken
Now that I have grown
I am one of multitudes
With scars deeper than the sea

Morning Song

The first poem in Ariel by Sylvia Plath. I am having issues with allergies and I can’t breathe that well so I am sorry if it sounds more nasal than usual. This poem was harder to read for me in general.