I am working on a novel. How many times have I said that to you and then years later nothing materializes? The truth is I have finished my second book of poetry. Well I have the edited poems I just haven’t “booked them yet”. I had this feeling I’d submitted the zip file somewhere but now I think I forgot to do that bit and have just been waiting for no reason. As for my novel I am 156 pages in which is by far the longest continuous story I have ever created. Over the years I’ve toyed with different ideas and genres and I think I’ve come upon something that feels right to me, that is me. Much of my life I have been really fighting myself about this writing thing. I really want to write for a living. I am not sure it is possible or how to go about it but there you have the cold hard truth 😂 My book will be romantic/erotic/supernatural. It’s not the same book I was writing previously. Sighs. I need someone almost to stand over me with a whip and keep my monkey mind in check 😂 I will say I have written every single day on this book for some weeks so that is something! I am very proud of what has been written.
As I get older I find myself gravitating more toward the blue tide. It probably comes as no surprise that I am a deeply introspective person. I love philosophy, psychology, physiology, literature, nutrition and fitness, and eastern religious studies. My whole life I have been searching for a single answer “What does it mean to be human?”. I am still learning to love learning but when something or someone sparks my curiosity I am positively insatiable. I analyze and reanalyze but logic is not my strong suit. I am more intuitive and insightful than I am logical. I am constantly tripping over the basics whereas more complex ideas make sense immediately. As I get older the less, I realize, I know. The black and white certainties of youth have given way to so much grey. My pursuit of truth is very personal, very internal and unfortunately I have never been good at taking society into account. Which is not to say that I am criminal, just that fitting in never figures in. Did I mention I am mad as a hatter?
I hate seeing people/animals suffer. I am unable to distinguish between my suffering and other people’s suffering, sometimes I even sympathize with inanimate objects! Yet many would consider me insensitive and I can be insensitive. I push people away. I avoid forming close personal relationships and I have a blind spot when it comes to people’s feelings about me. I wouldn’t consider myself a martyr though, when I do something for someone it is because I want to. I cannot be made to do anything.
I am internally motivated and yet I do seek reassurance. I am insecure and lacking in confidence. When taking on a new challenge I tend to need a lot of reinforcement/guidance (I have learning disabilities). Once mastered I prefer to be left alone to work but in the initial stages I can very fucking needy. While I don’t generally concern myself too much with opinions I don’t like to be seen as stupid and I hate situations where my ability to communicate is limited. Although I don’t talk very much in general social situations (I talk my husband’s head off!) I like knowing that I could, if I was moved to do so, express myself intelligently. I also need to be loved and to be listened to but that’s probably just the human in me.
Red is one of my primary tides. I am intense, passionate, emotional, moody, and instinctive. I have a fiery temper and I am stubborn to the point of insanity. While my stubbornness has allowed me to survive and even to thrive in difficult circumstances it has also proven an impediment. I tend to refuse opportunities and changes when they are first presented to me and it takes a lot of soul searching in order to accept something even if I wanted to accept it in the first place! I gave everything in the pursuit of love, in the pursuit of the extraordinary and I found it.
Indigo is probably my weakest tide as I feel that each person has their own personal truth. When I was a child living in an abusive and unstable environment I did seek comfort in rules and routines. How should we treat one another? What is the right course of action? How much responsibility does a child have for the sins of their parents? How do I become a better person? How do I become a person at all? I wanted desperately to find clear and concise answers. I wanted the people around me to behave in ways that I could understand. I wanted to control others so that they would not be able to cause pain to themselves/others. I still have some control issues. I still organize when I am stressed and I boss people around when I clean. I still try to fix it when someone comes to me upset but I have come to understand that everyone has their own path to follow and my opinion guides me alone.