Update

On March 29th my poem “Paper” will be featured on Spillwords.com. I will post the link when it goes up so please visit. In other news I got an internship as a Journalist for Propl which starts May 1st.

Oneness

I feel around

in the darkness

for your hand.

Heart to palm

I hold you hostage,

make you feel

the echoes inside of me,

the oneness

which cannot be divided,

the oneness

which is us.

At night

we are two

warm bodies

woven together

on the edge of dreams.

Sometimes I lie awake

just so I can

hear your expectations

break apart.

Prayers

don’t always

come

in the form

of a wish.

Sometimes

they come

like fire

burning away

the inessential,

turning us over

so we can see

the world

as angels do

from above

and below

at the same time.

When you speak

to bare your soul

your voice

is as quiet

as a cat

and I never really know

if your promises

will keep.

Still I choose

to believe.

Your soul

weighs less than mine

because you have

memories of childhood

and all I have

are memories of survival,

memories too expensive

to revisit,

memories which come upon me

uninvited like a war.

You say “I love you”

with the shape

of your mouth

and your eyes

like two tremulous satellites

dancing in water

and I can almost believe

that I am worth it.

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To Magdalena Andersson,

My name is Candice and I have been living in Sweden for about thirteen years. It is a privilege to live here but my home will always be earth. I believe that we are all connected and it is only through the formation of these vital, human connections that we can hope to save Ukraine and the planet as a whole. Right now Europe is wracked with war and it is devastating and it is terrifying and I, like so many others, feel confused and helpless. On the one hand, it feels like humans have regressed. War is savage. We should know better than to abuse our neighbors, our wild, precious planet, our humanity, our resources, our culture wherein there exists so much creativity, passion and diversity. We can do better and yet here it is, a war in Europe. On the other hand, you have the courage of the Ukrainian people and all those who are willing to fight beside them, whether it is with weapons or words or resources or ideals. I have been impressed with Sweden’s willingness to help other countries in need, particularly in times of crisis and I am proud to live in a country that fights for the welfare of humanity as a whole. I am both an American and a Swedish citizen but first and foremost I am a human being and I know that we cannot live in a world where human beings are divided. In times like this we have to work together, we have to believe that the goodness in humanity is greater than the fear which precipitates hunger and misery.

“All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” Edmund Burke. Can it really be for peace that we allow the hunger and the fear of one man (or a group of such individuals) to dominate and dictate our actions? Is it not also fear that silences us and ties our hands together? I am not a proponent of war and I believe that revenge only serves to perpetuate cruelty. We have a right to defend ourselves of course but the goal should always be for the betterment of humankind. I don’t have any solutions unfortunately but I will say that at the end of the day when we are lying in bed, unable to escape ourselves, it is a comfort to know that we have stood for something, that we have believed in something, that we have focused our efforts on love, hope, freedom, creative expression, and peace. Love might not conquer everything but I would rather invest in love, than terror and fear. So keep standing up. Keep raising your voice. In the midst of war be the one that shelters. I can’t speak for every citizen but personally I would rather live in a country governed by compassion. So provide whatever support you can and know that in saving one nation, you save us all.

Shoutout!

I would like to give a shoutout to a close friend of mine. She is an extremely talented writer, a loving and supportive friend, and a super cool, authentic human being. Visit her. Adore her. She deserves it!

A Writer’s Iodine

PUBLISH

My poem Paper was accepted for publication at Spillwords Press. I will let you know when it is officially published. Reccomendations for where I might try to publish going forward would be most welcome.

Patreon Account

I created a Patreon account. I will be posting some poetry/stories there. I don’t intend to charge for anything (I am not 100 percent sure how it works though) but there should be an option for donating. Is anyone else using Patreon? If I add exclusive member content does their need to be an associated cost? I want it to be totally voluntary. I would like to use the donations (if there are any) to submit to magazines.

Become a Patron!

How do you “human”?

What I am about to write to you is deeply personal and also humiliating.

As many of you know, I moved recently. I am currently living with a male friend in the Northern part of Sweden. I had hoped to start a relationship with him. I have tried to start a relationship with him and sometimes it seems as if we are in a relationship already. We’ve been living together for about a month now. We share a bed. We often sleep naked together. We’ve kissed. We’ve done many different sexual things but we have not had penetrative sex. Despite frequent erections and a lot humping (humping he initiates) he does not want to have penetrative sex with me. Despite telling me he loves me and spending hours and hours a day with me and alluding occasionally to marriage he has no romantic interest in me whatsoever. I have never met anyone like this and so it’s been really hard for me to understand that he just doesn’t have “feelings” for me. I still don’t understand. Realistically given all the opportunities and my clearly indicating a desire for sex the fact that we haven’t yet means only one thing: He doesn’t want to have sex with me and if he doesn’t want to under these conditions he’s never going to want it. He’s just not attracted to me. Sometimes he says he is very interested in me (the whole me) and sometimes he expresses that he just doesn’t see me in that way. He loves me but he’s not in love with me. He’s not going to fall in love with me like they do in rom coms. I know that at some point I am going to have to put myself out there and start dating. I am obviously hoping to find a partner who has both sexual and romantic interest in me. I had that in my marriage but it seems impossible that lightning should strike the same person twice. The problem is that for me, given my feelings, I am not able to see him as just a friend and I cannot even fathom the pain of him dating when he finally meets someone. He has been really supportive through a very difficult time in my life and I have been impossible and crazy lately. I don’t want to lose him and the beautiful friendship we’ve created but knowing myself I will just keep setting myself up for rejection again and again. I will just keep hoping. How do I navigate this situation? How do I get my sexual needs met in a way that doesn’t compromise my heart too much? Masturbation just isn’t enough I want that human connection. I also want that emotional connection and a relationship which can evolve and deepen and potentially lead to marriage. There were so many wonderful things about being married about being in a very close relationship with another person. I miss that. Is that wrong?

Objet Petit A

Objet Petit (A)utre literally translates to “tiny object of otherness”. It is not generally the person themselves that you desire (although it is perceived as such) but a quality that you perceive that person to possess which you find lacking or absent within yourself. You feel that you need them. You feel like you can’t function without them. You are obsessed. In order to acquire the desired quality for yourself you must possess and control the other person. In practice though this doesn’t work because you can’t possess a person much less their qualities (qualities you assign to them). What you really need to do is identify those qualities so that you can nurture them within yourself.

I prefer this term to infatuation when describing the unhealthy addictive nature of certain connections because I think it is quite normal to feel strong emotions at the onset of a new relationship and I don’t think all infatuations turn into obsessions/addictions. I also think this term really puts it into perspective, the sooner you can disconnect the obsessive feelings from the person the better. It is not really about the other person anyways.

I wrote a post a few days ago(?) stating that I was emotionally invested in someone but if it were only love (pure and sweet) I wouldn’t be in this chronic state of neediness.

I haven’t quite identified the specific quality that I wish to possess. I suspect it is the combination of extroversion and eccentricity. The courage to stand for something, to state one’s own opinions even at the risk of causing others some discomfort.

It’s odd because I never saw this man as perfect. The “illusion” it seems is not one of “perfection”. For me the imperfections have always been more compelling anyhow. For me I guess the illusion is in the desire to be everything to one person and vice versa.

In reading about how to recover from an unhealthy infatuation I learned something

It’s not the other person who gives us good feelings, a sense of purpose, or self-worth. We give these things to ourselves. We assign people “specialness” and in order to be special we must get the attention of a special person but they are human same as us and that specialness again is a designation which we have created and assigned to them. Even when a person is no longer present in our life all the good bits you experienced from the connection are still very much alive within you. You are that which you seek, in other words.