Today I want to bare my soul to you.
First things first on December 15th I will be undergoing a colonoscopy. Recent blood work showed an elevation in both Eosinophils and Ferritin levels. This could indicate all sorts of things from allergies to cancer, from inflammatory bowel disease to diminished organ function. It could even be a fluke or a sign of a temporary infection. Lately I have been putting on weight. I have been constipated mostly. There were a couple of days where I experienced intense dread and hot and cold sweats when using the toilet but now it is just normal sluggish digestion. For me sluggish digestion is kind of my default state so in that regard I am “normal”.
I have started a yoga course. I have completed about 70% of 200 hours. After completing the course I am eligible for certification. I am not sure if this will open up any exciting job opportunities but I have found that just having a clear goal is rewarding in and of itself. The course is online. In the future I hope to attend a retreat. That’s the dream, at least, one of them.
I write intermittently but I haven’t really produced any finished work in some time. I feel like there is going to be a breakthrough soon, I hope so.
So now that the update is out of the way it is time to bare my soul.
My mental health has hit an all-time low. I have engaged in self-harm a number of times. I have intense outbursts of rage. I have suicidal thoughts. Sometimes I sob uncontrollably for hours. For a long time I tried to convince myself that it was trauma, PTSD but after years of working with my trauma and talking about my trauma and exploring countless therapeutic modalities for trauma I have come to realize that I am mentally ill. My maternal grandmother struggled with Bipolor and Bordeline Personality Disorder. I have skillfully eluded these diagnoses by directing everything toward the trauma and omitting certain details about my life and about my personality. I am 42 and I haven’t really had a job, like a decent, long-term job. I love my friends but I can’t honestly say that I am reliable or consistent (something I am sure you have all noticed). Romantic relationships bring out the worst in me. I am not sure if I will ever have sex again. I have no idea how to connect with other people.
My living situation definitely has its challenges. I am living with a man who does and doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me which is emotional torture. I won’t go into too many details about that now but suffice to say I am not exactly moving forward with my life as I had hoped. Worst of all my partner doesn’t want to move forward not with our relationship and not with his own life. Sure he has goals (lots of them) but he doesn’t actually want to heal. He’s had a broken heart for years and he wants to keep on having a broken heart. He’s not ready to let go of his own misery. The idea of having partner that not only isn’t ready but doesn’t even want to move forward in the first place is devastating.
A few days ago I had a conversation with my mom. She owns a tiny house. Right now she doesn’t spend any time in her tiny house. She has a serious boyfriend and things are progressing. She has offered to let me have her tiny house. It is already furnished but I am free to change it as I see fit. I only have to pay for the basic utilities. Living there would be cheaper than renting a single room where I currently live. Significantly cheaper. She also has connections and there’s a possibility she could help me find work. Recently I prayed for a tiny house and the significance of my mom offering me a tiny house within a day of my prayer is not lost on me. I have moved overseas three times. I have started my life over more times than that and each time it is terrifying. I am scared. My ex held my hand through most of my major life changes and my mom is willing to hold my hand but I have to get there first and that is really daunting for me. I haven’t told my partner yet. I have this intense, almost reflexive loyalty at times even if it is not returned. Even though I know he isn’t really serious about being in a relationship I still feel like I have to preserve the illusion that we are in one. I mean sometimes that illusion is very comforting and there are things I will miss. Like hugs. I am really going to miss being held through the night.
I don’t know if I can be a good friend to him but I know right now that we are in this weird predicament which leaves us both feelings uncertain and insecure and therefore possessive, jealous, and unable to really communicate in the full, rich, and meaningful way I had hoped someday to communication with someone. I see myself making all the same mistakes I made with Sam in the beginning. Can I actually function in a relationship? I am not sure.
I do, however, have goals now. Before I just sort of had shared goals. Now I have my own goal and that’s a pretty big deal.
Anyway this is what I am going through at the moment and I could really use some hand holding.