Today I want to bare my soul to you.

First things first on December 15th I will be undergoing a colonoscopy. Recent blood work showed an elevation in both Eosinophils and Ferritin levels. This could indicate all sorts of things from allergies to cancer, from inflammatory bowel disease to diminished organ function. It could even be a fluke or a sign of a temporary infection. Lately I have been putting on weight. I have been constipated mostly. There were a couple of days where I experienced intense dread and hot and cold sweats when using the toilet but now it is just normal sluggish digestion. For me sluggish digestion is kind of my default state so in that regard I am “normal”.

I have started a yoga course. I have completed about 70% of 200 hours. After completing the course I am eligible for certification. I am not sure if this will open up any exciting job opportunities but I have found that just having a clear goal is rewarding in and of itself. The course is online. In the future I hope to attend a retreat. That’s the dream, at least, one of them.

I write intermittently but I haven’t really produced any finished work in some time. I feel like there is going to be a breakthrough soon, I hope so.

So now that the update is out of the way it is time to bare my soul.

My mental health has hit an all-time low. I have engaged in self-harm a number of times. I have intense outbursts of rage. I have suicidal thoughts. Sometimes I sob uncontrollably for hours. For a long time I tried to convince myself that it was trauma, PTSD but after years of working with my trauma and talking about my trauma and exploring countless therapeutic modalities for trauma I have come to realize that I am mentally ill. My maternal grandmother struggled with Bipolor and Bordeline Personality Disorder. I have skillfully eluded these diagnoses by directing everything toward the trauma and omitting certain details about my life and about my personality. I am 42 and I haven’t really had a job, like a decent, long-term job. I love my friends but I can’t honestly say that I am reliable or consistent (something I am sure you have all noticed). Romantic relationships bring out the worst in me. I am not sure if I will ever have sex again. I have no idea how to connect with other people.

My living situation definitely has its challenges. I am living with a man who does and doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me which is emotional torture. I won’t go into too many details about that now but suffice to say I am not exactly moving forward with my life as I had hoped. Worst of all my partner doesn’t want to move forward not with our relationship and not with his own life. Sure he has goals (lots of them) but he doesn’t actually want to heal. He’s had a broken heart for years and he wants to keep on having a broken heart. He’s not ready to let go of his own misery. The idea of having partner that not only isn’t ready but doesn’t even want to move forward in the first place is devastating.

A few days ago I had a conversation with my mom. She owns a tiny house. Right now she doesn’t spend any time in her tiny house. She has a serious boyfriend and things are progressing. She has offered to let me have her tiny house. It is already furnished but I am free to change it as I see fit. I only have to pay for the basic utilities. Living there would be cheaper than renting a single room where I currently live. Significantly cheaper. She also has connections and there’s a possibility she could help me find work. Recently I prayed for a tiny house and the significance of my mom offering me a tiny house within a day of my prayer is not lost on me. I have moved overseas three times. I have started my life over more times than that and each time it is terrifying. I am scared. My ex held my hand through most of my major life changes and my mom is willing to hold my hand but I have to get there first and that is really daunting for me. I haven’t told my partner yet. I have this intense, almost reflexive loyalty at times even if it is not returned. Even though I know he isn’t really serious about being in a relationship I still feel like I have to preserve the illusion that we are in one. I mean sometimes that illusion is very comforting and there are things I will miss. Like hugs. I am really going to miss being held through the night.

I don’t know if I can be a good friend to him but I know right now that we are in this weird predicament which leaves us both feelings uncertain and insecure and therefore possessive, jealous, and unable to really communicate in the full, rich, and meaningful way I had hoped someday to communication with someone. I see myself making all the same mistakes I made with Sam in the beginning. Can I actually function in a relationship? I am not sure.

I do, however, have goals now. Before I just sort of had shared goals. Now I have my own goal and that’s a pretty big deal.

Anyway this is what I am going through at the moment and I could really use some hand holding.

12 thoughts on “Crazy Does It

  1. First, let me say I am at a low right now too. I miss my late husband and all we had. I miss the relationship we had, good and bad times, but just being with him. My husband now is wonderful but it isn’t Bob. I miss my son more than I know how to cope with. He was only 19 for God’s sake and I just want him back. Ironically, my daughter called me very early this morning and I got nervous. PTSD. I called her back but didn’t get an answer right away. She did call me back to say that she was having a panic attack because she keeps returning to an abusive relationship and he’s in “mean mode” again. Additionally, a man she was falling in love with told her friend that he didn’t like her in “that way” which I think hurt more than she will admit. I asked her to come move in with me and David, leave the area where we both have so much grief and so many sad memories. I told her it doesn’t have to be permanent, she can always go back if she chooses, but here she can find a new path and explore things she has always wanted to do. I prayed the other day that she would come here. I miss her so much. I miss my family. I only have her left and it hurts so bad. I have been medicated for over 20 years now and I am at a point where I may need a temporary increase. There are relationship issues that, although not terrible, still have me close to tears so often and then like going full circle missing my old life when I was happy with a husband who was hard working and had a good job and I had two beautiful children, that besides causing me the typical or even worse than typical teenage stuff, they were in my life. I’d give you a hand if you could feel it. People who have not had intense pain, in similar ways (I say that so as not to diminish the importance of anyone’s feelings) don’t have similar ups and downs. I could go on and on. If you want to email back and forth, just as a sounding board that is non-judgemental I’m available: stinewriting@gmail.com
    It takes guts to put it all out there. Funny part is is that one of my “starting overs” about 16 years ago was to get my yoga certification online as well. I did it! I never went much further with it just because of life at the time but I had to smile at the irony of it.
    Anyhow, I often express my pain on my blog but also am not one to wallow in it, as I fear that causes more pain than necessary. I try to stay positive and try to figure out how my losses have somehow taught me something or are getting me ready for whatever comes next.
    Hugs to you and hopes that you find some peace in whatever you do. ❤️

    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story. My heart goes out to you and your daughter. It can be very hard to separate from someone even if the relationship is toxic. Limerance is a powerful thing. I am not sure where my certification will lead me but having a goal every day is helping me to find some measure of purpose and balance. I am not that flexible though to be honest lol I have had my share of self-pity. It doesn’t help to wallow. I think you have to work through it, face it, but you can’t live there. I do not want to live there anymore, I am ready for something new. Hugs in return and thank you super much for your encouragement, openness, and compassion. Also thank you for your email, it helps to have someone to talk to in difficult times. I could use a little objectivity.

      1. I agree with you about “living in that place”. That is what I am having a hard time with now. A couple of months ago my dog was attacked and my APRN said my PTSD has probably been triggered which is why I am having a hard time reining my feelings in. I have been thinking about what you said and I don’t want pity either but sometimes I feel like I need some sort of acknowledgment.

      2. I get triggered often around sleep as I was repeatedly attacked in my sleep. I cannot stand to sleep alone, I just do not feel safe. I hope things are feeling better for you know but I know how hard it is once you get dysregulated to slow the momentum

      3. I know this is a conversation that is a few months old so I am wondering how you are doing and if the decisions you have made have been helpful. I have found that with all my issues of self-confidence, the one thing I must remember is that I can do all of it on my own if I need to. Yes, with support, but I don’t have to rely on any of the negative people in my life as they just suck me in and bring me down. It is a hard balance. It is also a scary thing to make changes. Sending hugs because like you that is sometimes all I need!

  2. I offer mine Yves. It is not my business to comment on your life, but if it were me, I would take up your Mom’s offer of the house and go it alone as the relationship doesn’t seem to be doing anything.
    It is scary on your own, but your Mom will be there. I was lucky in that my brother took me in (and my dog of the time) when my relationship failed and I had nowhere to go. I owed a shit load of money and was working two jobs to keep my head above water whilst ex-partner lived in our house and didn’t pay the mortgage or loans after I left. I couldn’t pay them either but had a good bank manager who knew what was going on and I was able to meet my personal commitments until the house was sold……… which took 2 years due to a useless lawyer.
    You have goals………….. good! Go for it.

    1. I am very encouraged by your story. I am so glad that you created a beautiful life for yourself. It is scary but I know that scary can lead to the most transformative and positive experiences and I also know that the current situation is not healthy for me. It is going to take courage and I am doing my best to move forward. Step one get my passport updated.

  3. I am so excited for you!!! This feels so right — the yoga certification and moving into your new cottage. I feel it so deeply, sweetheart — this is the start of a wonderful new chapter for you. ♡

    All of these struggles and parts of who you are are okay, you know. It’s okay that you’re bipolar and have a personality disorder … and that you struggle with typical social and relationship skills, as well as working. All of that is okay! That is all very typical of an artist. So sweet girl, you are normal in the realm of being brilliantly deep and gifted.

    I want you to stop the self-harm and direct it outwardly, though — get a punching bag, stab the dirt, bite something. Just stop hurting your precious, beautiful body.

    Dance, heating pad, coffee, dairy — fixes for your your tummy issues. Do those work for you?

    1. Thank you Shawna for your kind and loving words. I do think it is an amazing opportunity and I am doing my best to prepare. My mom is learning stain glass and wants me to join her which sounds fun and different. Neither one of us are good at crafts but one of my best memories with her was when we tried to make Xmas ornaments. She knows a normal job might not suit and she has bought all the equipment in any case because she wants a fun hobby. I never drink coffee but actually when my stomach hurts I tend to crave milk. I find fresh fruit helps but too much is not good when I have diarrhea. It is a balance. I have identified some foods that aggravate the system. I am definitely working to avoid doing so, my emotions just get so big and loud at times. Thanks again for the encouragement!

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