It has been a while since I have had reason to live and it is getting harder and harder to come back from the Depressions. A lot of what I wanted to do in this life I have done. Some of my goals are quite small and not really the kind of goals that get one out of bed in the morning. Some goals are beyond me. Like getting married again. Finding employment. Believe me I have tried but I have lost hope. I need something big enough to motivate me, small enough not to crush me, close enough not to exhaust me because I am beyond exhausted. My test results reveal again that I have antibodies against my thyroid which is the sort of thing you monitor but don’t treat. So there is no reason why I feel so bad physically. I feel really bad but it is almost certainly sadness and stress and I don’t know how to stop being sad or stressed. I can tell you after the endoscopy I won’t be going back to another doctor in my lifetime. Depression apparently makes you immune to everything and immortal, so no need. There is no one who needs me. Maybe I would be missed but as I learned after the divorce that is a temporary thing. A few months max and anyway my ex and my daughter have already missed me so they are passed that now. I used to live because I saw good things in other people’s lives and in the world but it is like everything is bad all around. I know my Depression is normal and it’s not so big it needs treatment but it is hard for me anyway. I know all people are sad all the time because doctors have told me that, so sad is just the base human feeling. I don’t know why I have a hard time getting use to that.
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mindlovemisery 
I think it is so loving that you write from such a raw, honest place because you know it could help others feel, if not better, then at least not alone.
I think it is so interesting how much better I feel in every way during the school year, when I get up, shower, ready myself, and begin a productive day. In the summer, I do so poorly in every way because my schedule shifts, I feel purposeless, and my rhythms feel broken. The same is true for my adult, autistic daughter. We desperately need a schedule and tasks to complete.
I would like to recommend a brilliant book called The Elegance of the Hedgehog. It’s been one of the most penetrating reading experiences of my life.
I think that’s my reason for living (other than being a mother)—experiencing literature, art, music, dance. That’s what feeds me.
Thank you Shawna for sharing and for your beautiful compliments. I am glad my poems reach someone. I do try to schedule myself but it is not the same as having a job or school or some organizing principle. I can’t even go back to school in Sweden though. I have tried. I ever tried to further my language studies since my Swedish is not very good but they said it was unnecessary, even though I can’t get a job partly because of my poor language skills. I just feel so stuck I can’t move forward and I can’t go back. I keep looking to things to be grateful for present tense and I can find them but it is hard to imagine a life where you never move forward, where there is no growth or development. I guess I should be grateful that my life does not require any and then somehow I can just float in limbo, not everyone has the luxury of limbo for years. But I do wish I could move a little bit.
Hi, after reading your latest post today, I scrolled through and found a bit of your backstory. It’s heart wrenching, your childhood, and I’m so very sorry that you were not loved and cherished and nurtured as you should have been by your parents. I’m sorry life has not been kind. The mother in me wants to hold the little girl you were and love you back to wholeness, to say just the right words to fix every wound.
I had my own bout of depression, to the point of losing hope and purpose and a desire to live, but nothing in my experiences touch what you’ve lived and so I won’t give lip-service or offer a Band-Aid. Sympathy is not empathy and sometimes we need to know another understands the depth of our wounds because they too have lived them. The first person who immediately came to mind is actually very well-known, her name is Joyce Meyer. She’s an evangelist today, but once upon a time she was just a little girl, innocence repeatedly stolen by her father until the age of 17/18, betrayed by a mother who should have intervened but did nothing.
I hope you’ll visit the website below and read her personal story, how she overcame the horror of her childhood and today thrives in life and healthy relationship. There are those you could speak to also, if you wanted to reach out in that way, via email or telephone.
May the Lord meet you where you are today and bless you to be healed, from the inside out. His words are like medicine, they truly heal. But like medicine, we have to ingest it. I can tell you what I know, a human doctor’s bad report is not the last word. (Proverbs 17:22 A joy-filled heart is curative balm, but a broken spirit hurts all the way to the bone.)
https://joycemeyer.org/everydayanswers/ea-teachings/The-Power-of-Hope
Thank you for your kindness and compassion. I will visit her blog and read her story. I love biographies. “a broken spirit hurts all the way to the bone.” very true. I think the bits left over from my childhood that have been the hardest to deal with are not being able to trust myself and uncertainty about how to connect with other people. Now I am in a relationship which is very ambiguous and I think it is having an impact on me because I need more stability. It has been hard with the I love you. I love you not. Back and forth. I tend to believe everything someone says even if it contradicts itself and it hurts so much trying to make sense of it all. I will tell you one thing that has hurt me tremendously. I divorced after nearly 21 years of marriage. A marriage that was treasured and fought for and worked at for a very long time. There was a lot of love in that marriage and we are still friends we just decided husband and wife didn’t work. But the man I live with currently says that once married always married. I can’t return to my ex and I can’t (according to the man I live with) have a romantic or sexual connection with another man even in the context of a healthy loving committed relationship because it would be a sin. So according to him I have no right to move on. According to him I have had a child so I am done with life. I have served my one and only purpose in this world. It is of course different for men. My ex can move on according to him but not me because I am a woman and so different moral standards apply. The constant condemnation is very difficult. I obviously already regret that my marriage ended and that our efforts (my ex and mine) could not create a reconciliation. I cannot say though that we didn’t love each other and that we didn’t try very, very hard. I also can’t say it would be in our best interest to get back together. We both had so much trauma and sometimes our trauma was incompatible and some issues we can’t solve because they are just well who we are as people. I have only been with one man voluntarily my whole life and that was my husband but the man I live with acts like I am immoral. Is it wrong morally to want to be in a healthy loving relationship?
Oh my dear, my dear–how my heart breaks for you, in empathy. I’m sure you’ve had all the experts’ and laymen’s advice, so I can’t truly offer you any. And my guess is that you already have your own religion or spirituality.
I don’t want to offend or hurt you in any way, so please don’t think I’m trying to push something unwanted upon you. I only want say that, having dealt with trauma and depression (and physical health issues) for 70 years (come Sept)–the only thing that has kept me going is my growing faith, joy, Light, strength and security in Jesus Christ. It’s real, and thrives even on my bad days–He’s Everything to me.
So I won’t “preach”, but rather keep you in my daily prayers for peace, love and a revelation of the unimaginable good that is still in store for you. Here’s the reference scripture: Jeremiah 29:11, Amplified Bible, “‘For I know the plans and thoughts that I have for you’, says the LORD, ‘plans for peace and well-being and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope’.” This passage goes on through Verse 14 with wonderful hope from the promises of a loving God–but I didn’t want to type them all😊 I sincerely care and have the best intentions in sharing this…and I will not bother you again if not invited. Take good care, be kind and patient with yourself💙
Thank you for your compassion and heartfelt prayers. I have been working to reconnect with the practices and beliefs which have helped in the past. Some days I find peace in that but then I remember all the people who say I am not living in reality. I don’t know how to live in a reality other than my own. I have to learn to trust myself, I think that is the main thing. Myself. The universe.
Blessings to you.
Thank you!
You’re welcome–it’s my pleasure and true honor.