What I am about to write to you is deeply personal and also humiliating.

As many of you know, I moved recently. I am currently living with a male friend in the Northern part of Sweden. I had hoped to start a relationship with him. I have tried to start a relationship with him and sometimes it seems as if we are in a relationship already. We’ve been living together for about a month now. We share a bed. We often sleep naked together. We’ve kissed. We’ve done many different sexual things but we have not had penetrative sex. Despite frequent erections and a lot humping (humping he initiates) he does not want to have penetrative sex with me. Despite telling me he loves me and spending hours and hours a day with me and alluding occasionally to marriage he has no romantic interest in me whatsoever. I have never met anyone like this and so it’s been really hard for me to understand that he just doesn’t have “feelings” for me. I still don’t understand. Realistically given all the opportunities and my clearly indicating a desire for sex the fact that we haven’t yet means only one thing: He doesn’t want to have sex with me and if he doesn’t want to under these conditions he’s never going to want it. He’s just not attracted to me. Sometimes he says he is very interested in me (the whole me) and sometimes he expresses that he just doesn’t see me in that way. He loves me but he’s not in love with me. He’s not going to fall in love with me like they do in rom coms. I know that at some point I am going to have to put myself out there and start dating. I am obviously hoping to find a partner who has both sexual and romantic interest in me. I had that in my marriage but it seems impossible that lightning should strike the same person twice. The problem is that for me, given my feelings, I am not able to see him as just a friend and I cannot even fathom the pain of him dating when he finally meets someone. He has been really supportive through a very difficult time in my life and I have been impossible and crazy lately. I don’t want to lose him and the beautiful friendship we’ve created but knowing myself I will just keep setting myself up for rejection again and again. I will just keep hoping. How do I navigate this situation? How do I get my sexual needs met in a way that doesn’t compromise my heart too much? Masturbation just isn’t enough I want that human connection. I also want that emotional connection and a relationship which can evolve and deepen and potentially lead to marriage. There were so many wonderful things about being married about being in a very close relationship with another person. I miss that. Is that wrong?


4 thoughts on “How do you “human”?

  1. That was brave of you to write! I don’t know the situation and we aren’t well acquainted, but it seems to me (for my two cents) that it’s time to do something that is probably going to be painful. Depending on your circumstances too, it might not be easy if you have to seek a new housing situation. You ought to get back out there if you want a physical relationship and he can’t or won’t pony up so to speak. It’s tough to break up, but I think it’s tougher to stay put and endure a loveless relationship. I know from personal experience that only leads to frustration and eventual bad feelings amongst partners. My best wishes.

    1. Thank you, as hard as it is to write and speak about I think a lot of people can relate even the specific situation I am in is somewhat unusual. It’s not the easiest situation to pull away from because there always seems to be some hope, some level of reciprocation which gives the illusion that it could develop given time.

  2. Darling beautiful poet, yes this must be very difficult not only to write about but to live it day by day. You must be your own hero and not leave your happiness in someone else’s hands. It took me a long time to learn this too. Love you. ❤❤❤

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