The definition of love has been warped by some to mean addiction, obsession, lust, infatuation. My dad defined love as ownership and dominion. For years that was the only definition I had of love and so for me love was something to be avoided and feared. When I was 6 interviewing my neighbors I saw what love could be. I saw a healthy relationship built on growth, loyalty, compassion, curiosity, and mutual respect. I found a new definition for love. A better definition. I believe that love is something we create within ourselves and that a relationship is something we create together with others. We don’t have to recreate or reenact the scripts passed down to us from childhood. It’s time to ditch the script altogether. A script has a beginning and an end. It locks us into a particular role. It is static. It binds. Create a dynamic relationship one that can evolve rather than bind/enslave yourself to another, seek to connect. Connection is a conscious act. A choice. Connection frees us to be who we are in the moment. Connection not only gives us the space to grow, it encourages us to grow in positive ways. It gives us energy. It wakes us up.You lose yourself in addiction, in obsession, in lust, in infatuation, in the hunt to possess and dominate. In love you discover new aspects of yourself, the best parts of yourself, as well as the false, toxic beliefs acquired during your lifetime. Love is light. Love is fresh air. Love is pure, uncontaminated water. Love is nutrition for the soul.

As children (and then later as adults) we sometimes believe that there’s a finite amount of love. A withholding, unaccountable parent that offers little in the way of time, guidance/understanding/commitment, and attention can make us feel insignificant, small, jealous/envious of those people, beliefs, and activities which appear to be monopolizing their attention. This isn’t proof that love is limited, only that human beings are sometimes hindered in their ability to form deep, meaningful connections. A parents inability to form a meaningful connection with a child is because they haven’t yet formed a meaningful connection with themselves, it’s through no fault or lacking in the child. It’s because the parent is seeking to create love from the outside in. Love comes from the inside and radiates outward. Our capacity to love grows as we learn how better to connect with ourselves and to integrate those aspects of ourselves which we have rejected/abandoned in positive, creative, and compassionate new ways.


9 thoughts on “Let’s Talk About Love

  1. Deeply wise words here. We can’t control the environment we’re born into, and we learn habits during childhood. You make a powerful point in that we don’t have to continue the scripts we learned back then. Undoing those scripts and undoing bad habits … those take work to do. But extremely worthwhile work. Becoming more open about loving is worth it. As love can go beyond romantic love. I love my friends, and that’s grown deeper through the years. What Covid has put us through in the last year and a half has caused me to feel more grateful for the ones who are dear to me.

  2. Love is complex but what we all desire. I believe 100% that the 5 Love Languages test helps break down the barriers of a relationship and highlight the roads to better understanding.

  3. My parents’ childhoods were fractured and strange. Not abusive, just odd. My father moved out of home when he was 13 or 14 to go to high school and never went back. My mother was raised by her older single father in a time when men with young children (my aunt was around 4 and my mother 2 when their mother died) remarried.
    I was an only; taught to be independent and responsible for my own actions. But love was never expressed or explored. I have no children — not sure I would have the right parently skills. Still learning to love myself.

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