I recently joined a pen pal group. I have only spoken to a couple of people so far. The relationships are still new, still malleable. It’s fun. It’s unpredictable. It’s overwhelming. Listening to other people talk about their philosophies on love, on the types connections they are seeking has given me a lot to think about. I haven’t come to any real conclusions as of yet but here’s the gist.

Am I capable of having no strings attached sex?
Can I have a threesome without drama and/or jealousy? It’s a great fantasy but is it pleasurable in practice? I guess there’s only one way to know that but do I have that kind of follow through?
Is it possible to decide on a conscious/rational level not to feel certain things?

What I definitely know
I am sexually frustrated.
I am having a hard time connecting fully because I really, really wanted Axel to be the one.
I am lonely and confused about intimacy.
I can’t do carnality without sensuality. I want both. I want wild, passionate sex but I also want to be kissed and held. Even if it’s only for a finite time I want to be worshipped and to worship in turn. 
God I just want to be touched.
I want to know someone inside and out. I am talking writing a journal together close. I am not interested in judging or changing anyone. I just want to connect. Now it might be that it’s a bad idea to know a lover so well, I can’t say. But I want to know someone as I know myself, inhibitions be damned.
I like the idea of a lasting relationship even if the form of the relationship changes with time. I mean we all evolve so it makes sense but it’s too lonely to live a life on the surface, from the senses alone. Sometimes you’ve got to drown.
I don’t know if a single person can contain these multitudes and I am still not entirely clear on what attracts me. A sexy voice, beautiful hands, a sense of playfulness, sensuality mixed with carnality, eccentricity, sincerity, an appreciation of the absurd, thoughtfulness, an appreciation of art and poetry etc. I want someone who would come to me, take a risk. Someone who challenges as well as compliments me.
It’s a lot to think about


11 thoughts on “Pen Pals

  1. I could not enjoy intimacy without love now. It would just mess with my head and depress me. I love being held, whispers of “I love you Precious”, kisses down my neck, waking up to having breakfast already made for me. I love ironing his shirts. I just want it all nowadays. I want all of the comforts and warmth, the excitement and enrichment, the security and peace of mind and heart that love has brought. It has unzipped my soul and made sex than it has ever ever been before.

      1. I know we are strangers, but can I appeal to you not to make any decisions to put your emotional health at risk when you already feel vulnerable and lost.

        This has been a very strange 18 months, in many respects it has isolated us. People have been stressed, isolated…and as lockdowns lift, some may go crazy for all the things they have been missing. But we are still a delicate mix of emotions.

        Give yourself time, time to breathe, and to think about what brings you peace of mind and heart. Don’t rush into anything that might seem fun or pleasurable, but could also have a massive impact about how you feel about yourself.

        Take small steps and keep your senses. There are a lot of people just into fun and pleasure, with no particular regard for your emotional state.

        Your life, your decisions, but I know feeling good about life, love, relationships is something that effects our daily outlook.

        I hope you don’t mind me saying all this, but look after you, you are deeply precious. Some people will want to play with you but won’t mind you getting bruised and injured.

      2. I don’t mind at all Jenna. What you have said is very compassionate and also sound advice. I will try to be patient with myself and my healing process. Thank you ❤️

  2. I hear that intimacy is so much better once you have connected with someone on a non sexual level. It should be mind, body, and spirit. I know it’s hard to wait, but wait until you fully trust someone.

  3. It sounds like you joined the penpalsnow.com site and every guy thinks its a flipping dating site and it clearly says its not. I have had only a few actual pen pals there and others turned out to be scammers.

    THe kind of pen paling I want to do is the one earlier commenter said. There are sites out there (and even Facebook groups that actually do pen paling)

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