Love Letter #34

Dear DM,

Prepare for a ramble. I’m buffering. These are just my thoughts. Formless. Naked. Free-styling.

I realized something today. I realized that whenever I’m feeling insecure or uncertain about the future I seek to define, micromanage, and fortify my own patterns and beliefs. I set my intentions from a place of fear, rather than a place of love. I tighten the stitches. I reinforce the walls. I settle and I cling to things I have outgrown. I beg for the minimum. I beg for bread crumbs. We teach others how to treat us. We set the precedent by the way we treat ourselves and many of us don’t treat ourselves all that well. So I have to treat myself better. I’ve got to feed my soul. I’ve got to get on really intimate terms with myself. I’ve got to choose me, to choose you.

How do you feel about me? How do you envision our 3D lives in the future? Become accusations in moments like these rather than an exploration of love/limitless potential. Rather than explore our lives with gratitude and joy we look for the cracks, the would-be betrayals and betrayers, the exits unmarked and otherwise. Just encase. We survive on desperation, on a habitual need to be placated and anesthetized. Some questions have no right answer. Do you think I look fat? Is one of those questions because nothing anyone can say can clarify the distortion of one’s own negative self-perception. So here we are again. Perspective. That’s what reality is all about perspective. So why choose the version of reality that hurts the most? Why reinforce the pain? If we have a choice and we do have a choice. Isn’t it strange that we choose moments when we are feeling unstable and anxious to think about and plan for the future? It’s like trying to have a heart-felt conversation when you are pissed off.

Being human is an experience. Fleeting. Beautiful. Excruciating. Baffling. We don’t mistake an outfit for the person underneath it, even if that outfit is an expression of the person’s identity/mood/role in a given moment in time. We are a spiritual being having a human experience. I think more often than not we build our whole lives on illusion, to suit the fickle and temporary demands of the lizard brain. We forget that we are infinite. That we are creators in our own right. We take dreams for granted.

Basically I have been thinking about reality again. About why we choose define ourselves by fear instead of love. I think about all the times I’ve said I am lonely. I need to find someone. I need to do something. I need to go out and become someone. If you are me then it makes sense that I ought to be able to be in a room with myself and my feelings and the silence without self-destructing. If I can’t be present with myself then how will I be present with another person, with their feelings, with their silence, with the unknowns that exist in every situation and relationship?

I have this habit of giving advice whenever I talk to someone because listening to other people talk scares the shit out me. The story of how lives fall apart and reassemble. The not knowing. The sense of powerlessness when you watch someone you care about self-destruct/self-deprecate/abandon hope. The sense that I am not smart enough to have an adult conversation in the first place. The need to prove and justify myself and assert my own beliefs whatever the conversation. We fill in spaces, instead of letting ourselves breathe. We push the miracles underground. It takes space to manifest. Most of what we are is space, space isn’t lonely at all, walls are lonely. The unknown constitutes so much of our lives, it is where the magic happens, it’s the womb and it’s the source of all creation.

I love you. Like I really, really love you. So I open myself up a little more each day. So I move towards you and our future, effortlessly because that is where my energy is pulling me. I want to spend my life getting to know you. Not just in this lifetime and not just the gorgeous human you’ve incarnated as but the soul underneath. I would let myself go crazy in a room with you. You could go crazy too. We could do it together. Over and over. I have already chosen you. Let’s explore life together. And also thank you. Thank you because I know that you are with me, there for me, doing the work, and willing to take the time to create something truly special with me, something soul-deep. You inspire me. And if you need a sign this is it. I know who you are AM. I know because we are soul-deep. I trust that we will come together in every way. I trust you. And also if you want to do a video chat let me know (dream reference) because the answer is yes.

With all that I am your DF