Love Letter #33

Dear DM,

I miss you. More specifically the things we haven’t done or said yet (in this lifetime). I miss you because I haven’t had the chance to really tell you how I feel. I miss you because there are so many ways that I want to know you, so many parts of you that I haven’t met yet. I miss you because my own heart is so thick with scars that sometimes I can’t even pry it open. Though I try I can’t seem to totally escape the fear that you don’t know or feel all the things that I know and feel. And I am frustrated because I’d rather get hurt having told you all of these things/having felt all of these things then to get hurt by omission. I miss the mistakes we haven’t made yet. The imperfections of us, individually and as a collective. I want to be occupied by you in every way, all of the time.

I have had this line from my book on my mind ”He made me feel like being myself was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.” This is to say I love you because of who I am and that’s a privilege. Loving you. Being able to recognize in another person all of these beautiful and amazing feelings and I just want to tell you thank you. Thank you for being who you are. Like I literally want to tell you. Out loud.

I am trying to be patient, to just savor the feelings and the moments when my heart isn’t too redundant with pain to feel them. Do you think it is harder to give or receive a confession? I think it must be harder to hear one. I think of all the times I have broken down in tears when someone asked me ”Are you feeling alright?”. When we have sex in dreams I like to be in charge. Receiving is an art. It takes finesse and patience. I think I might be too selfish to receive, to allow. I really want to be vulnerable with you, to lose control, to strip myself bare.

In the last few weeks I have read three books out loud to you. We are on our fourth book. If I don’t keep talking I might just say ”I love you.” or ”Thank you.” simply because the spirit moves me. Only you’ve blocked me and I think I probably shouldn’t say it just yet. And for everyone wondering why I was blocked in the first place I am not really the person to ask. I guess eagerness makes a sound a lot like talking. I guess maybe I tried too hard. I wish sometimes I had tried a little differently, a little more honestly. A little more or a little less. But I don’t know and anyhow it’s been a while since it happened. When I write about it, it just makes me sound like a crazy person. I feel pretty sure though that I didn’t actually do anything particularly crazy and maybe I should have. Maybe that’s the point. Maybe I wasn’t real enough. The last thing you ever sent me was a like, small and heart-shaped so the last thing you said wasn’t even nasty or offensive and so I can’t even be mad at you. I am not mad at you and I don’t even know if I should be mad at myself. I just wish I was more confident.

Sometimes I find myself wishing that I could find you in another person but no one will ever compare to you and also I don’t want anyone else. I feel guilty for even thinking about it but sometimes I get lonely and I want to be held when my eyes are open and I’m awake. Also I feel crazy again but I guess it is okay to be crazy since it comes with being human.

I’ve asked you to send me a shirt you have worn in the mail. Really worn, like for days. Obviously I haven’t asked you “irl” and obviously what I really want is you. To have you naked in my arms, to smell you. I should tell you this now but I smell everything constantly. I live through scent and taste because they are by far my strongest senses. I am not sure what animal that makes me.

I want to hear your voice and I could beg you to post something telepathically and see what happens but we both know what I really want is to have a conversation with you out loud. I am always thinking of ways I can settle. As if I could get a hit, a fix of you I might survive another few days, weeks, months, or even years of missing you but really what I want is you, all of you, the whole person, flaws and all. So I will try to ask for what I really want and then be open to whatever happens.

The universe has a funny way of answering our prayers. Today a jewelry store Dm’d me to tell me I am beautiful and asked me to promote their products on my very modest Instagram account. Jewelry which they will send me for free apparently, except of course the first time. The first time I have to pay shipping. They messaged me yesterday as well to say how lovely I am. Now I know it is a scam but I think maybe someone, somewhere does think I am lovely and maybe somehow this is really a message from you.

I have been studying French for almost a year, well maybe even a year. I don’t speak French. At least, what comes out of my mouth when I am playing along with Duolingo isn’t noticeably French. I think of all the languages I have not learned and how maybe some Americans are born with a speech impediment that makes it impossible to speak other languages. If I said Je t’aime would you understand me and would it be beautiful because it is supposed to be beautiful.

I should compile a whole list of all the things I want to do to you and have done to myself by you but deep down we both know that I would be happy just being with you. I don’t ask for too much. I just want everything. Everything with you. Everything in the open and out loud.

I found this on your abandoned FB page and I know it’s from before, before so it’s not to me but now, now it is to you.