Last night I had a dream that we were in a theater, something to do with a celebration. You sat on one side. A childhood friend of mine sat on the other side. You were both talking to me at the same time. You both wanted my attention. She gave me a card. I left with you. In the mail today I received a card from that same childhood friend. We talk only a few times a year. There had been no mention of a card when we spoke several months ago. How funny is that? To have a dream one night and the very next day to see it manifest. Someday I will sit with you in a theater and you will speak with your lips close to my ear. I’ll leave with you no matter who else is around. I will always choose you. Not just now, in this life, in this precise moment but in every life. In the lives I have already lived and in all the lives yet to come.
It occurred to me today while standing in the bathroom that the whole point of this journey is to fall in love with life. In that moment everything was beautiful to me. The stripey shower curtain stuck to the walls to keep the cold air getting in. The current. My own body. The color of the wet tiles. I don’t know the name of that color, 70s I guess.
I masturbated today. I thought it would be fun (it was). I thought it would take the edge off but it didn’t. I spend most of the day fantasizing about you. About kissing you. About meeting you. In a car with other people I found myself unable to carry on a conversation because I was too aroused. When I imagine you shy or clumsy it really gets to me. I don’t know why.
Later I tried to meditate with you to connect our hearts together but my heart is already so full I think it might burst.
With all that I am your DF