Twinflame- Soapbox

Recently I read an article about a twinflame group that shall go unnamed. This is not a critique of that article but the article did get me thinking about my own beliefs.

Since I began my journey I have naturally looked up a lot of information online. Much of that information has come from Youtube videos. Some things resonate with me, other things don’t. It’s pretty personal, pretty subjective our beliefs and opinions. Everything below is an opinion. Take it or leave it.

As with all relationships one has a right to privacy, to boundaries. What we tell or don’t tell others about our relationships is completely up to us. I would wager it is very rare to disclose all the personal details of one’s relationships with others whatever the nature of the relationship. That said there seems to be a common theme of secrecy in twinflame relationships which I do not think is healthy. “No one but other twinflames can understand the journey.” I have said this myself more than once. If you tell other people about your experiences they might think that you are crazy, delusional, obsessed, eccentric etc. You get the idea. In reality each and every relationship is unique and no one can ever really understand in full the emotional experiences of another person which is why advice no matter how well-intentioned or sound won’t work for every person, every time.

We all have our own tastes. We all have our own definitions of love, of happiness. We all have our own ideals when it comes to the perfect partner, of the perfect relationship. What works for one couple does not necessarily work for every couple. So when we speak about our relationships, any relationship much is lost in translation, much is obscured by opinion but that doesn’t mean we can’t or should not speak about our relationships. I think one of the biggest problems facing society today is an inability to express our emotions in a healthy and constructive manner. As children we are rarely taught how to deal with difficult emotions. We learn how to mask and repress. We learn how to “fake” it. How to smile on cue but how many of us know what to do with painful feelings like grief, jealousy, resentment, and anger? How many of us know how to handle confrontation? To fight fairly? To stand up for our beliefs without trampling the beliefs and values of someone else? How many of us know how to listen and communicate effectively? I am not sure but I think many of us struggle with these issues.

There is a dangerous tendency to isolate oneself when undergoing any form of transformative process be it something like weight-loss, a new relationship, the adoptation of a new spirtual practice etc. We are afraid that the people in our lives will reject the “new and improved” version, that they will hamper our progress. We don’t like the old version of ourselves anymore so we push away anyone and everyone connected with that shameful part of our history/identity. What causes our family and friends to go full on panic usually has more to do with our isolation, our preemptive rejection than the actual changes themselves because honestly if we took the time to talk to them about the experience and included them in our “new and improved” lives they would (provided the relationship was a healthy one) have our backs. We could all use the support when undergoing a transformative experience. I propose that it is the secrecy and isolation and the “you couldn’t possibly understand what I am going through” haughtiness that causes our near and dear ones to worry themselves sick over our mental health. Yes people do grow apart but this a natural process and it need not involve any bridge burning. The only time ties need to be cut is in instances of abuse. Twinflame or not we are all human and as humans we all have an innate need to connect, to evolve, to explore.

Why should twinflames creep around in the periphery of society as if it were a taboo to desire a more meaningful relationship? That said I cannot speak for my twin. That means I won’t be revealing any personal information about my twin or anyone else without their expressed consent. My twin has free will, same as anyone else. So although I am open to a relationship with him I do not have the right to impose one on him. I am not looking to change him, to coerce him, to fix him (he isn’t broken). It would be an honor to have him in my life, to get to know him better, to share our lives together but this connection, as powerful and amazing as it is, does not give me the right to violate his (or anyone else’s) personal boundaries. There are people that apply the term twinflames to unhealthy and/or one-sided relationships but that is not a new thing. People have been abusing the word “love” for centuries! People start wars for the sake of philosophies that are supposedly geared toward peace. As disheartening as that is I do not think that we should give up on love and peace. I do, however, wonder if the “organized” bit isn’t the problem. When an individual and/or group of individuals get together to promote their various agendas. Maybe we should just believe what we believe and allow others do the same.

People in love act rather strange generally speaking. You might ordinarily be an articulate, witty, confident person but face to face with the object of your affection it is not all that uncommon to find yourself positively inarticulate, giggling for no reason whatsoever, red faced, out of breath, heart in your throat, heart going a 100 miles an hour. There are very few people who can’t relate to that experience, it is like 75% of adolescence. We have all had crushes or partners that our friends didn’t take to or understand. While the twinflame experience is unique in many ways and while many of the experiences are difficult to put into words there is one thing about it which all humans inherently understand, the desire to love and be loved in turn. So I say talk about it if you like. Talking about your journey will help those undergoing similar experiences. We can all benefit from improving our relationships, twinflame or not. Every single human has a spark of curiosity which is never extinguished and which can even surpass prejudice and fear. So never be afraid to speak your truth whatever your truth, whatever your experience of reality. Societal norms need to be challenged so that we can evolve. I think most of us would agree that there are issues within every society and that those issues don’t get resolved by pretending that normal and healthy are synonymous terms. Who wants to be normal anyway? Be original. Be healthy. Be you.

While I do use the term Divine Masculine I believe that the soul is both genderless and multi-gendered, like the Tao. Too often the TF journey is described using male and female stereotypes/paradigms. Whatever your biological gender, whatever your gender identity we are all simply human beings and human beings house multitudes. So do I think there needs to be a predominatently masculine energy and a predominately feminine energy? No. Do I think that male and female are the only states on the gender continuum? No.

I do believe that there will be differences because I believe those differences are needed to faciltate growth, evolution, and awaking. Your twin will challenge you. They will wake you up. They will shake you to your very core. So yes I do believe there is a yin/yang dynamic at play but it does not necessarily have anything to do with gender or gender identity. I think part of the journey is overcoming those stereotypes not in designing a more enlightened definition of male and female. The totality of a human being cannot be encapuslated by a label or defintion, however, clever.

As an example there comes a point in any exercise routine when one reaches a plateau. When one’s routine fails to illicit growth. At some point you have to step out of your comfort zone and challenge yourself, you have to change things up. That is the only way to continue progressing. Relationships like individuals are continuously evolving and if they do not have the space to evolve they will eventually enter a state of limbo. The twinflame journey isn’t any different. It is not the happily ever after you have heard about in Disney films. Like any relationship it takes work. Predominantly the twinflame journey is a spiritual journey and spiritual journeys can be challenging because they force one to face and integrate the parts of themselves that they most fear, the castoffs selves, the ouchy bits, the inner child. It is a journey of self-acceptance. No one is perfect. Mistakes will be made. Opinions will differ. To be mentally, spiritually, emotionally stimulated is one thing but abuse is something altogether different (abuse should not be tolerated). Sometimes when combing through the twinflame literature you come across toxic gender stereotypes. The way the masculine is described (at times) would give anyone pause for concern and it is in my opinion pretty degrading to anyone who identifies as masculine. Sometimes you see instances of abusive/toxic relationships justified in the twinflame relationship and that is not okay. While I do believe we are personally responsible for our own happiness and that a lot of good would come from acknowledging the power of our words, actions, and beliefs that does not give us the right to take advantage of others or to mislead others with grandiose promises. We all have moments of vulnerability and confusion. Be gentle with yourself and others. Taking responsibility also means acknowledging your fallibility, your humanness.

Each person, twinflame or not, has something to contribute, a purpose one both personal and profound. You matter. We all matter. Do I think twinflames are superior. No. We are all equal. I do think that we (and by we I mean everyone) all contain within us a piece of the divine. In Shintoism there is this lovely idea that our souls can never be poisoned/tarnished whatever our experiences in life. Our egos may lead us astray at times but we are all spiritual beings having a human experience.

Twinflames are meant to come into union in this lifetime. Maybe this is just my inner idealist speaking but it is truly what I believe. For those of us who identify as a twinflame (and I really use the term only for convenience, it is just a label) I am sure you have heard time and time again that union is rare. Why is that? Well there are many reasons and I only have time to name a few.

  1. Not all twinflames use the label. When I was a child I encountered an elderly couple and I have no doubt that they were twinflames (as I understand them) but that label was never mentioned and was quite likely unknown to them.
  2. Not all twinflames are public about their relationship/union. It is not as if people announce the details of their relationships to the world at every possible opportunity. Even if they did you wouldn’t have the time to keep up with everyone’s life story.
  3. It is a marketing strategy. Some twinflame groups and gurus emphasize the rarity of union in order to drive up profits for their services. While there is certainly good, sound advice to be had in spiritual truth you are already inseparable from your twin. So if you do find yourself in one of those tf groups and/or communities remember to trust your instincts first and foremost and don’t be afraid to ask questions if you need clarity or if something doesn’t sit right with you. If questions are frowned upon that is a red flag. Therapy is best left to a certified therapist. While credentials and diplomas don’t always guarantee quality of service or professionalism, I would still rather a surgeon perform my surgery than a businessman with a copy of Grey’s Anatomy. Communities can provide much needed support but I personally wouldn’t trust my trauma therapy to a spirtually-themed dating site. They may very well have something to offer, each person we encounter has something valuable to teach us, they be wildly entertaining but that does not qualify them to live your life or dictate the manner in which you live your life and it does not qualify them to tell you what you should or should not believe.

Since I have spoken about the inevitability of union I invite you to look at your own life and recount a few everyday “miracles”.

When I was young I got it in my head that I would go to Sweden. I grew up in a small southern town without many prospects for travel and limited financial resources. I had no connections to Sweden. All I had was a feeling, an inner knowing. I saved up. My mom found my stash and put it into a bank account. My Swedish fund became my college fund. I wasn’t even given the option. I didn’t have an elaborate plan for getting to Sweden and yet here I am living in Sweden. A Swedish citizen thanks to a series of mostly random events. I had very little control in the end. It just sort of happened and when it happened I simply accepted the oppurnity. The universe will always find a way. Now I have an inkling that I am meant to be elsewhere. A new cycle has begun

I have countless stories and I am guessing you have more than a few examples of situations and encounters that just seemed to fall into place as if by magic.

For me living in a world without magic is just too uninspired and depressing to contemplate. I would rather live in a world of magic and mystery. I believe that we are all powerful co-creators. Our limitations are all too often self-imposed. I won’t go into more detail on this topic because I have addressed it thoroughly in other posts. Suffice to say I believe that if you have found your twin it will work out eventually (not necessarily in the exact form you imagined it but there will be a coming together). I am not saying there won’t be any work involved because relationships obviously take effort. Relationships tend to be healthier when all parties are in a good place emotionally from the onset and this is one thing I really like about the literature on twinflames because it encourages one to hold off on entering a relationship until one is mentally and emotionally ready. If you are healthy you can be happy even without a relationship. As nice as romantic relationships are the relationship you have with yourself is crucial to your happiness and well-being so it deserves your attention.

Have you ever ended a relationship? Totaly burnt the bridge and still had that person pop back up into your life again some time later after a considerable and complete absence? The people who are meant to be in your life are going to be in your life. So if your situation seems hopeless just know that things have a way of sorting themselves out.

To wrap up. There is one last area in which my views tend to differ. Since this doesn’t just apply to twinflames I will take this discussion in general relationship terms. If you want a nice/loving partner, date one, don’t find the biggest jerk you can find and then spend the next 10 years attempting to sedate/punish/train them.

There are people who fear commitment. There are people with intimacy issues. I would say that if you are continuously meeting people who are commitment phobic the issue is probably more with your choices than with any one gender as a whole. Sometimes insecurities at the onset of a relationship led us to push for commitment prematurely (take your time and enjoy the process, never force anything). We have this notion that if we can make the relationship official we will be protected but the heart doesn’t exactly come with a warranty does it? Why would you want to marry someone who doesn’t want to marry you anyways? You deserve to be happy and settling isn’t really the way to go about it.

People, regardless of gender express themselves differently. Some people are verbally affectionate. Some people are physically affectionate. Some people express love with time and attention. Some people make grand romantic gestures. Some people are considerate but practical. The point is people express themselves in different ways and this is not something that changes very easily, the way we love, the way we express that love, so pick a partner that you appreciate as is, not a home-improvement project. Take the time to get to know your partner and yourself, it is worth it =)

2 responses to “Twinflame- Soapbox

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