Intense doesn’t even come close to describing my dreams lately. They feel, at times, more real to me than my material/waking existence. I wake up and it is hard to fathom that you aren’t lying beside me. When you think about it. How can we separate dreams from reality? We dream every night. Without dreams we wouldn’t survive and I don’t mean that in a lofty, romantic way. I mean it literally. Dreams are as essential as air, food, or water. If they are not real. Then we must require some measure of unreality in order to exist.
You are very real to me and I know deep down that the dreams we share are mutual.
I woke up in a state of panic. I have been doing quite well the last few days keeping my negativity in check but today I am borderline morose. I don’t know what to do with myself which is why I am writing. I hope that in writing I can open up and let in a little light. Right now I feel like shutting down entirely. I just want to have a good cry, a nap, until the eclipse has passed. Even now I find myself thinking about you, about us lying face to face last night. I think about the way it felt to touch you and hold you. How could I ever walk away from that?
I don’t know what you are thinking right now. I don’t know what you want. I just know that giving up isn’t an option for me. I just have to keep going even if it feels at times like I am walking across an ocean of fire. The pain I am feeling isn’t because of love. The pain is fear/ego. It is the “what ifs” running through my brain. It’s the illusion of limitation and scarcity. It’s the desire to control the situation. A field of wildflowers is more beautiful than a painting or photograph of wildflowers, however, talented or passionate the artist. Even a poem cannot compare to the miracle that is our delicate, transitory lives. Love is not something we can control or manipulate. Love is freedom. So why attempt to capture and define it? Love offers strength through vulnerability. So why attempt to restrain its flow? Love is infinite. So why attempt to quantify it? Don’t get me wrong here I want a relationship. I deserve a healthy, loving relationship and so do you.
I am just tired. I am tired of waking up every morning in a full suit of armor. I am tired of fighting to maintain a constant state of mediocrity. I am tired of resisting the pull of my heart. I am tired of juggling the millions of tiny white lies I tell myself everyday just to justify my fears. The universe creates miracles for each and everyone of us, every single day, and every single day we collectively say “No, sorry I am not worthy. I am not ready. I am too busy. I am too scared.” Sometimes we can’t even see those miracles because our thinking has become too rigid to allow for awe/curiosity/joy. My answer is yes. Yes, I will continue on this journey. I want to see what happens. I want to create together with the universe. I want to create something magical with you. Something organic, orgasmic, and totally original. I want to step outside of my little ego box and feel everything that it is within me to feel. I want to be human. Imperfect. Me. You.
With everything that I am your DF