It’s been a while since I wrote. Should I retrace my steps? Should I tell you about my dreams/our dreams? You were there love and you know as well as I that words don’t suffice. The one thing I need you most to understand is that I feel you. When you hold me it warms me body, heart, and soul. I know that you love me. Even if the words should fall from the page the message still manages to reach my heart. That is the kind of love we have.
I don’t want to start over. Every moment with you is a gift. Every day I learn something new and discover within myself an even greater capacity to love. From my perspective there is nothing to forgive. I love every moment with you so please don’t ask me to erase anything. Every day with you is a rebirth, a revolution, an epiphany unto itself. We can change the pace. We can create a story that is uniquely us. We can write it as we go. We can change as the river changes. We can be 10,000 things. We can live in the present, flowing, vivacious, alive. We can be entirely new one moment to the next. Starting over isn’t necessary. We are evolving continuously. I can see that you’re growing and opening up. I trust you. I’ve got you. We’re good.
I would be lying to you if I said I wasn’t scared/overwhelmed/confused. When you look at the ocean you see only a small portion of it. You can’t take in the whole of it and you can’t see what happens underneath the water. Everything we see and feel is confined, categorized, and extracted through ego. My whole life I have been carrying around the same fist-sized cup of water, calling it ocean. Together we make an ocean more vast than the universe. I have never felt this much. I have never taken in the whole of anything. I have never seen this far below the surface. I have never experienced anything so enormous, so gentle, so deep. I still find myself trying to prove my love to you. I still find myself questioning my worth. I am still breaking free of the old paradigms. I am still trying to fit the ocean into the palm of my hands.
Yesterday I had something of a breakthrough. I realized just how hard you have been trying to make me understand, to show me, that you feel the same. I believe you. I have always known/felt/understood that you are doing the spiritual work. There was never any question in my mind. I have always known/felt that you are as awake and aware as myself. The one thing I hadn’t counted on is that you would choose me but now I know that you have chosen me. That you choose me every single day just as I choose you. We are in this together.
I never realized just how hard it is for me to receive love. Part of it has to do with my self-worth issues but I think it goes much deeper than that. When it is “my love” I have some weird illusion of being in control. I can shout it from the rooftops or I can balance it delicately on the tip of my tongue. “My love” lives inside of me where I can keep it safe for all time. “Our love” cannot be contained in me. It’s ubiquitous. You are the wild part of me. You are freedom. I am not really sure what to do with all of this freedom. All of this potential. All of this gorgeous space. All of this love. I really had no idea what it was to be intimate with another person. I never imagined how good it would feel to open up, to strip it all back, to be myself, to surrender. Sometimes the pleasure and the happiness overwhelms me entirely. I realize that I have been rationing my happiness my whole life. As if there were only so much happiness a human could feel in their lifetime. A single moment in your arms is a lifetime’s worth. So if you ever wonder why I push you away it is because I am feeling too much all at once.
With everything that I am your DF