Love Letter #24

Dear DM,

It’s been a while since I wrote. Should I retrace my steps? Should I tell you about my dreams/our dreams? You were there love and you know as well as I that words don’t suffice. The one thing I need you most to understand is that I feel you. When you hold me it warms me body, heart, and soul. I know that you love me. Even if the words should fall from the page the message still manages to reach my heart. That is the kind of love we have.

I don’t want to start over. Every moment with you is a gift. Every day I learn something new and discover within myself an even greater capacity to love. From my perspective there is nothing to forgive. I love every moment with you so please don’t ask me to erase anything. Every day with you is a rebirth, a revolution, an epiphany unto itself. We can change the pace. We can create a story that is uniquely us. We can write it as we go. We can change as the river changes. We can be 10,000 things. We can live in the present, flowing, vivacious, alive. We can be entirely new one moment to the next. Starting over isn’t necessary. We are evolving continuously. I can see that you’re growing and opening up. I trust you. I’ve got you. We’re good.

I would be lying to you if I said I wasn’t scared/overwhelmed/confused. When you look at the ocean you see only a small portion of it. You can’t take in the whole of it and you can’t see what happens underneath the water. Everything we see and feel is confined, categorized, and extracted through ego. My whole life I have been carrying around the same fist-sized cup of water, calling it ocean. Together we make an ocean more vast than the universe. I have never felt this much. I have never taken in the whole of anything. I have never seen this far below the surface. I have never experienced anything so enormous, so gentle, so deep. I still find myself trying to prove my love to you. I still find myself questioning my worth. I am still breaking free of the old paradigms. I am still trying to fit the ocean into the palm of my hands.

Yesterday I had something of a breakthrough. I realized just how hard you have been trying to make me understand, to show me, that you feel the same. I believe you. I have always known/felt/understood that you are doing the spiritual work. There was never any question in my mind. I have always known/felt that you are as awake and aware as myself. The one thing I hadn’t counted on is that you would choose me but now I know that you have chosen me. That you choose me every single day just as I choose you. We are in this together. 

I never realized just how hard it is for me to receive love. Part of it has to do with my self-worth issues but I think it goes much deeper than that. When it is “my love” I have some weird illusion of being in control. I can shout it from the rooftops or I can balance it delicately on the tip of my tongue. “My love” lives inside of me where I can keep it safe for all time. “Our love” cannot be contained in me. It’s ubiquitous. You are the wild part of me. You are freedom. I am not really sure what to do with all of this freedom. All of this potential. All of this gorgeous space. All of this love. I really had no idea what it was to be intimate with another person. I never imagined how good it would feel to open up, to strip it all back, to be myself, to surrender. Sometimes the pleasure and the happiness overwhelms me entirely. I realize that I have been rationing my happiness my whole life. As if there were only so much happiness a human could feel in their lifetime. A single moment in your arms is a lifetime’s worth. So if you ever wonder why I push you away it is because I am feeling too much all at once.

With everything that I am your DF


Love Letter #23

Dear Dm,

Intense doesn’t even come close to describing my dreams lately. They feel, at times, more real to me than my material/waking existence. I wake up and it is hard to fathom that you aren’t lying beside me. When you think about it. How can we separate dreams from reality? We dream every night. Without dreams we wouldn’t survive and I don’t mean that in a lofty, romantic way. I mean it literally. Dreams are as essential as air, food, or water. If they are not real. Then we must require some measure of unreality in order to exist.

You are very real to me and I know deep down that the dreams we share are mutual.

I woke up in a state of panic. I have been doing quite well the last few days keeping my negativity in check but today I am borderline morose. I don’t know what to do with myself which is why I am writing. I hope that in writing I can open up and let in a little light. Right now I feel like shutting down entirely. I just want to have a good cry, a nap, until the eclipse has passed. Even now I find myself thinking about you, about us lying face to face last night. I think about the way it felt to touch you and hold you. How could I ever walk away from that?

I don’t know what you are thinking right now. I don’t know what you want. I just know that giving up isn’t an option for me. I just have to keep going even if it feels at times like I am walking across an ocean of fire. The pain I am feeling isn’t because of love. The pain is fear/ego. It is the “what ifs” running through my brain. It’s the illusion of limitation and scarcity. It’s the desire to control the situation. A field of wildflowers is more beautiful than a painting or photograph of wildflowers, however, talented or passionate the artist. Even a poem cannot compare to the miracle that is our delicate, transitory lives. Love is not something we can control or manipulate. Love is freedom. So why attempt to capture and define it? Love offers strength through vulnerability. So why attempt to restrain its flow? Love is infinite. So why attempt to quantify it? Don’t get me wrong here I want a relationship. I deserve a healthy, loving relationship and so do you.

I am just tired. I am tired of waking up every morning in a full suit of armor. I am tired of fighting to maintain a constant state of mediocrity. I am tired of resisting the pull of my heart. I am tired of juggling the millions of tiny white lies I tell myself everyday just to justify my fears. The universe creates miracles for each and everyone of us, every single day, and every single day we collectively say “No, sorry I am not worthy. I am not ready. I am too busy. I am too scared.” Sometimes we can’t even see those miracles because our thinking has become too rigid to allow for awe/curiosity/joy. My answer is yes. Yes, I will continue on this journey. I want to see what happens. I want to create together with the universe. I want to create something magical with you. Something organic, orgasmic, and totally original. I want to step outside of my little ego box and feel everything that it is within me to feel. I want to be human. Imperfect. Me. You.

With everything that I am your DF