Love Letter #13

Dear DM,

Where do I even begin? Today is a good day. Today I feel at peace with the journey. I am still feeling pretty tired though. I am struggling to string a sentence together! I am not sure I can even manage the abstractions necessary to convey my recent discoveries/undertakings. You were in my dreams last night. I felt you on top of me. I felt you embrace me.

I am re-reading “Happiness is a Choice” by Barry Neil Kaufman. I used to be obsessed with self-improvement. The changes I made were temporary or taken to unhealthy extremes. I fought against myself the entire time, the struggle was biblical! At some point I realized I was using self-improvement as a way to punish myself. I wasn’t seeking empowerment. I was seeking escape. I wasn’t seeking acceptance. I was seeking total annihilation of the self. I wanted to be someone else entirely. Oddly something about this book got through to me. It gave me a real sense of hope. It made me feel like it was okay to be myself. That’s my superpower. My hidden talent. My calling. Being myself. Simple right? That is all I ever wanted though permission to be myself. I know that is all you would ask of me because it is all I ask of you. I am reading it again as a way of understanding the journey.

I tend toward pessimism. So I have a way for maximizing the pain in any situation. I don’t just live a difficult experience once. I live it countless times in my mind. Each reiteration is more terrifying than the previous. Do you want to know how to change the past? Forgive. Bless the experiences which have led you to this moment. Pour yourself and your energy into the present. In this way you can reclaim your power. At least this is what I think.

Do you know how to stop worrying about the future? I don’t. Just kidding. No really I have no idea but I think it also comes in embracing the beauty of the present moment. What if you didn’t set your story in stone? What if you didn’t set your identity in stone? What if you left the lid off? Put in some air holes? Opened a window? Cracked a door? What if you left some space so someone or something new could enter? What if you allowed for the possibility of a miracle? A dream come true? What if you left in a little mystery? What if sometimes you let the ground under your feet give way? So far the best trick I have found to deal with “what ifs” is the “So what approach.” I care. I care a lot but the one thing I have learned is that whatever happens it’s usually way better than I imagined it. Sometimes it just lines up better with my true self. Every now and again things turn to shit but not often and since I am writing this it’s proof that I survived those storms. Proof that I’ve grown. I know what I want but do I really want to ruin the surprise by turning it into a script? Or worse screw myself out of a surprise altogether by resisting change? Do I really need to wear myself out fighting/proving/defending? The truth is in how I feel. I love you. I love you in this moment. I love you without having everything written in blood/chiseled in bone. I love you from the depths of my soul. So what the hell is there to worry about? It’s all good. It’s better than good. It is fucking miraculous!

With everything I am your DF

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Love Letter #12

Dear DM,

I was in such a dark energy last night. I found myself imploding with feelings of unworthiness. I couldn’t even meet your gaze in the dreams, though you held my hand so sweetly. It’s not that I have changed my mind about us. I am committed to the journey. It’s not that I don’t want you. It is that I want you so much that it frightens me sometimes. To lose you or worse to find you unreachable, well you get the idea. I was wallowing in fear. I woke up in a panic thinking of you, self-soothing (words only :-P) and I felt the most extraordinary thing. I felt an energy pass into me and it was as if I were being cleansed from the inside out. I felt light/pure/charged.

I’ve had this notion lately that if humans could collectively raise their vibration that they could trigger the earth to heal itself. The earth being a living being and mankind being some element of its immune system (forgive the silly metaphor). At present we are attacking the earth the way an auto-immune disease attacks the body it has been entrusted to protect. Theoretically we are just as capable of healing as we are of destruction. Maybe it is time I looked at my programming. At the unhealthy beliefs I carry. The beliefs that create a sense of scarcity and fear. A fear which causes me to withdraw and/or lash out violently.

Whatever happens love is never a mistake. Love is always worth it. I would rather surrender for love than die in fear.

While out for a walk I came to the conclusion that I am as I was meant to be. It is because of who I am that we are. It is because of my unique experiences, abilities, perceptions that I will ultimately carry out my life’s work (resume be damned). However, grand or humble that work proves. We are all necessary. Important. Beautiful beings of love and light at our core.

I am summarizing here. It is hard to convey the weight and value of an epiphany. Epiphanies I find are often very obvious/simplistic but sometimes it takes the same epiphany many mutations before it really sticks. Maybe we are meant to forget our epiphanies so that we can rediscover them again and again. A kind of spiritual orgasm to release the spiritual tension haha.

With everything I am your DF

Love Letter #11

Dear DM,

I am a vessel of craving. I am a frightened child. Last night I had a very strange dream from which I woke up exhausted. It began simply enough. I wanted to get a hold of a copy of Peter Pan. I have only read the version for children. Is there another version? A sinister version? The dream itself had very little to do with Peter Pan as I have known it. I remember a dark-haired girl who referred to herself as Wendy but not what became of her. My sister and I came upon a crocodile (upright like a man, shadowy) in the forest very suddenly and I ran away screaming. I left my sister, to “handle” the situation on her own. I think I shoved her in front of it or maybe I shoved the crocodile away from myself onto her? I can’t remember. I only know that as I went running backwards through a dark forest, accelerated by some invisible force, I did not feel too good about myself. By force I mean to say something or someone drug me away from the scene.

Everything else I can say about the dream is conjecture. I remember a small cabin in the forest that I took to be my family home. I am not sure if I had already moved into another household or if I was attempting to join another household. Through marriage? Through occupation? There was a woman (a stepmother or mother-in-law type figure) who tried to dictate all aspects of my life. She told me what to feel, to eat, to do, to say. She wanted me to tone down my intelligence. She was grooming me in order to protect me. She seemed to think that I had a disease and that only through restraint could I keep the badness from getting in or out.

The dream was set a couple of hundred years in the past (a past life?). Was I sick? Possessed? Wicked? I don’t remember feeling anything to suggest I was actually possessed. I think I was just eccentric, egocentric, frightened. My sister/sister-in-law was trying to protect me from the mother-figure (I am not sure if this was the same sister from the crocodile betrayal). She didn’t buy into all that superstition about possession/mysterious diseases and was making arrangements for me to leave. She had friends. I also remember a game of hide and seek in the dark forest. I followed my sister but she would not let me hide with her. I can’t remember the reason she gave. I am not sure if the game took place before or after dinner. Dinner was meager and I remember asking if I could have a little bread. My sister gave over what may well have been her piece. I notice in dreams that sometimes you appear and help me out. I can’t help but think you were in that dream.

I have concluded that this dream was about releasing the story-line. There is a version of us within every one we have ever met. A caricature shaped by the individual’s experiences, opinions, and feelings. These versions of ourselves can remain imprinted upon a person long after we have outgrown them. People can become very possessive of their version and often feel threatened/betrayed when we behave in ways that challenge their expectations. Even positive changes can be seen as a betrayal or a possible prelude to abandonment.

When my grandmother was living in a nursing home my mother called her every day. My grandmother was nearly deaf and refused to get a hearing aid so she couldn’t hear my mom over the phone. My mom noticed after a while that whatever she said to my grandmother, my grandmother would always give exactly the same answers, in the same order (she was anticipating the conversation to compensate for being deaf). If my grandmother heard something other than what she expected to hear she would become upset/distressed. She needed the feeling of having a stress-free, familiar conversation/the comfort of feeling my mom on the other side of the phone. So my mom learned to ask questions that coincided with my grandmother’s answers. At first this annoyed my mom but after a while she found it oddly comforting (she never had to think up anything new or interesting to say or to worry about getting into a disagreement). They went from fighting constantly to having lovely, albeit scripted conversations. 

We all live our life’s in this way to some extent because it is safe/comforting, because it reduces confrontation, and feelings of vulnerability. It is also part of learning. No one wants to relearn to brush their teeth every day! The problem really kicks in when the role assigned hurts your self-esteem. I find myself falling into certain roles. Victim. Misfit. Failure. Scatter-brain. Sometimes we assign these identities to ourselves.

Sometimes I think the reason we do this is simply to avoid owning our feelings. We create a sort of trash bin version of ourselves into which we shovel all of our guilt and insecurities/all of the criticisms and pain. After a time this alter ego becomes more sentient. Suddenly we don’t just have temporary, growth-inducing discomforts, we have a bottomless pit of despair. Another us. A wounded self that has lived their whole lives eating our negative emotions and experiences. Only our love will fill/release this self but we look for fixes elsewhere.

We could forgive them. We could apologize to them. We could thank them for their service and let them choose to return either to us or to the wellspring of creation from whence they came but instead we continue to punish them, shame them, lock them in the metaphorical closet whenever we are entertaining good company. Whenever we attempt to change ourselves our scapegoated selves feel threatened/rejected. They know that when we get all pseudo perfect that we will do everything in our power to oppress them or snuff them out of existence. In the end though we just shovel more unwanted shit onto them because uncomfortable emotions are rarely accepted into our idealized versions of ourselves. We manufacture happiness because actual happiness requires an acceptance of change/of our wounded selves and that is scary.

The thing is these “selves” have extraordinary reserves of creativity, compassion, and experience. They have seen some shit. They feel deeply. They both soften us and strengthen us. This is what I am working on at the moment. Getting to know myself moment to moment rather than slapping on labels. I am learning how to live with my feelings and my “selves”. How to walk, live, breath, and create truth. How to take responsibility for my own happiness/my own experiences. How to stop justifying myself whenever someone threatens my identity or reinforces one of my closeted identities. How to let go of the story-lines and the what ifs and the moments I can’t change and the desire to change/mold others so they fit within my definition of them. How to stop trying to anticipate the answers and enjoy the exploration phase. I am learning to honor my cycles.

I realize this letter is not very romantic. I am just figuring things out. I realize that I can’t reason away my faults and feelings. Have you ever seen shows where a nonhuman entity attempts to appear more human? I sometimes feel that way. Like I am just going along working out what it means to be human because deep down I am totally enamoured with the human race. The human experience is fucking amazing. At the end of day I really just want permission to be my ever-evolving, fluid as water, lighter than air self. 

This whole journey has awakened a lot of alien feelings within me, new feelings, feelings even more intense than my usual feelings. Sometimes when I close my eyes and feel you, it’s like a solar system is being born into a space not bigger than my fist. Each time it happens I know the seams/definitions holding me together get a little looser and I learn a little bit more about myself. My naked soul bleeds through the cracks. The light comes in. My metaphorical heart opens and expands. You are more than enough. You are fucking gorgeous.

With everything I am your DF

Love Letter #10

Dear DM,

We were together again last night in our dreams. I saw you. I felt you. You were forthcoming. I was a deer in headlights. I saw you past, soon to be present, and future. I have always loved you. Always.

I had a beautiful tarot reading today. A reading about union. I am proud of all that you have achieved. You have nothing to make up to me. You’ve done nothing wrong. Today while looking at your photograph and listening to music I cried. My emotions are flowing again. My fear is gradually giving way to excitement. I realize everything happens in cycles. The up and the down. The back and the forth. It is all part of the process. I understand the need for patience but being patient is another matter entirely! I am not exactly impatient at the moment. I am not really sure what I am. I know only that I am grateful for every last moment, what has been, what is, what shall be. I am just ridiculously in love with you and I really can’t make sense of anything at all. For the moment I don’t need to make sense of it. I am just living it you know?

With everything I am your DF

Love Letter #9

Dear DM,

I realize on some level that I have all the confirmation I need already. It’s in how I feel moment to moment. It’s in the way you linger in my mind whatever the nature of my preoccupations. It’s in the way loving you makes me feel. Loving you has changed my life. It is a revelation, a rebellion, a revolution. It’s like I am being turned inside out.

I would be lying if I said that in every moment, of everyday I was at peace with the process. My other letters speak to my struggle. I could tell you that I am struggling today. I am struggling not to push you away because I don’t feel worthy. Because of fear. Because I seem to oscillate between a child like innocence and pessimism. I haven’t forgiven myself yet. I don’t totally trust myself with your precious beautiful, heart. That’s not really what I want to say today though.

Today I want to honor the love I feel. It’s a privilege to be on this journey with you, to have these feelings. I want to say that love is enough, more than enough and in this moment I get to love you. What more could I ask? It’s the one constant through it all. It’s what grounds me. It’s what convinces me to keep healing, to keep hoping, to keep getting up whatever crazy shit is happening in my life. Whatever you do, whatever you choose the love remains the star around which I orient myself in the darkest of days.

With everything I am your DF

Love Letter 8

Dear DM,

I dreamed of you last night. I’ll save the details for another time. All you really need to know is that I am feeling you, in every conceivable way. I woke up frequently during the night and each time I had this wonderful sense of being in your arms. I am feeling you. I am scared. Scared of feeling this way. Scared of the wait. Scared of the moments when I am going through the motions of my day and I must face the cold hard reality that I don’t know anything. I feel helpless. I can’t see the path in front of me. I’m exhausted. Who knew that surrender was a full-time job? You might not know this but I am really stubborn. I drive myself crazy going round and round in circles. I think I am trying too hard to relax. It’s almost as if I were an actor portraying myself. Suffice to say I am not feeling all that relaxed. I am, however, learning all sorts of lovely/juicy things. I love spending time with you in the 5D.

You might be feeling my energy. The knots in my stomach. My wringing hands. My mute terror. Maybe it scares you. Maybe you are doubting my intentions or the journey. So I’ll leave you with this song and hopefully somehow you won’t get swallowed up in my panic.

Feeling You- Harrison Storm

I couldn’t give you a warning

But I felt it all over me

I hope you come where I’m going

And babe, my hands are free

Falling so hard

Swimming through stars

And maybe that’s alright

I’m feeling you

Every single way

I’m feeling you

Ain’t no other way

There was a time I remember

Breathing air like this

But that was when I was younger

Didn’t know what I had, I’d miss

I’m feeling you

Every single way

I’m feeling you

Ain’t no other way

I won’t let you go

I mean it, believe it, ohh

I won’t let you go

Believe it, I mean it, ohh

I won’t let you go

I mean it, believe it, ohh

I’m feeling you, you

I’m feeling you, you

I’m feeling you

I won’t let you go

Ain’t no other way

I won’t let you go

Every single way

I won’t let you go

Ain’t no other way

I won’t let you go

Every single way

With everything I am your DF

Love Letter 7

Dear DM,

Today my emotions are all over the place. I’ve had highs and lows. Moment to moment I seem to be undergoing a complete philosophical and emotional overhaul. My ego is nothing if not persistent. Sometimes I think I ought to just live like you weren’t there but I can’t and I don’t want to. How could I ever be with someone else? I am afraid of ending up alone, that is what it all boils down to. Rather ironic considering that I enjoy my own company. I am not really alone though am I? Maybe that is why I enjoy it so much because when I am alone, it is just the two of us. Triggers are like nerve pain; you can’t medicate them out of existence and you can’t distract yourself from the pain for more than a few moments at a stretch. When I am missing you henceforth I will try not to distract myself. I’ll savor it. I’ll feel it. I’ll miss you as only I can.

Last night I had a funny/odd dream. I was having ice cream with a group of angels. Each angel had their own flavor. What does your life taste like? What does your soul taste like? It reminded me of the story of the Vinegar Tasters. The Buddha, Confucius, and Lao Tzu each sample some vinegar (aka the essence of life). The Buddha perceives the vinegar as bitter. Confucius perceives the vinegar as sour. Lao-Tzu finds it sweet. I thought that my life, my essence tasted saline, like tears. You asked me for a taste. I obliged. You found my essence sweet and delicious. If only I could experience myself through love. I know it can be done. I have already set the intention but for the moment all I taste of myself is salt. Though there was a moment in that dream where I thought I could taste myself from your perspective.

With everything I am your DF

Love Letter 6

Dear DM,

I woke up very early this morning and I was unable to fall asleep again. Panic. Terror. Longing. Any one of these would suffice to describe my emotional status. Sometimes I find myself questioning my sanity. Sometimes the whys, hows, and wherefores of the situation just become too much. It was a long while before I could console myself again. I want to feel the full weight of your body against mine.

I did an oracle reading this morning which I found rather amusing. “What would you have me do, universe?” “Nothing the universe will act on your behalf when the time is right so for the moment just enjoy yourself.” “What would you have me, say universe.” “Speak your truth. Write with passion.” “Where would you have me go, universe?” “You may feel lost/like you are going in circles but you are exactly where you are supposed to be. Trust your intuition to guide you going forward..” When I posed the questions I wasn’t sure the cards could answer them and I ended up with surprisingly straight-forward answers. I haven’t decided if the answers are helpful. I am feeling so restless I could crawl out of my skin.

I did various things to console myself throughout the day. Clean. Exercise. Obsess. Masturbate. Climax only seems to enhance my arousal. It is only when I am in the middle of it that I allow myself to really cling to you. It is torture, absolute torture. I love it. I would love it more if you were the one holding the whip.

I haven’t had any spectacular revelations today. I am still trying to work out the delicate balance between surrender and collapse. At the moment I am missing you. At the moment all I can do is write.

With everything I am your DF

Love Letter 5

Dear DM,

During my daily tarot readings I have noticed a common theme. Release the past. Be true to yourself. I have already spoken about the former so today I decided to delve into the latter. Am I being honest with myself about what I desire from our connection? Is my patience an affectation? I am not patient. I am hungry. Am I being honest about what I want to achieve as an individual? Am I still wild or have I become accustomed to settling for approximations? Do I seek comfort over adventure? Am I a living/breathing embodiment of pure, undiluted passion? Do I still have it within me to incite and inspire? By nature I am intense and passionate and sometimes I get carried away. I like a little obsession with my love. I am flawed to the point of disfigurement. Does that scare you?

I was chatting with a friend today and she complimented my ability to accept the status quo. I have always thought of the status quo as the antithesis of life, something along the lines of limbo. I thought that to live fully meant action/reaction/continuous reinvention. At some point I became aware that I was seeking distractions in order to numb and escape myself. I realized that one can find, even within the most ordinary moments, inspiration, passion, wonder, and depth of sentiment. For the ordinary to become extraordinary we have only to be receptive and present, we have only to submerge ourselves in the experience. What if all of life could be a celebration? When I think of you I like to imagine our life as it would be in the day to day sense (this isn’t the only way I imagine us). We are already extraordinary, no alterations are enhancements needed. There is not a person in this world who does not possess the capacity to manifest miracles. In dreams the simplest touch from you awakens emotions and sensations within me that are nothing short of miraculous. How could I possibly fathom the potential of the flesh? To hold you, heart to heart, would unravel me! I want to unraveled.

I started this letter with a clear intention but as usual I ramble. I want everything with you. All of it. I want the everyday moments. I want to be pursued with a passion that borders on obsessive. I want to heal. I want to discover our mission and submerge myself in it, whole-heart. I want to laugh with you. Hold you. Fuck you. Fall apart in your arms. Soothe you. Inspire you. Kiss you with abandon. I don’t want to wait even if it is reckless. I want to take my time getting to know you. I want you all to myself. I want to surrender you along with myself. I realize that my list of “desires” is contradictory and rather vague. If I said lets live together and figure it all out after would that sound crazy to you? Desperate? Escapist? For all that I have said and not said at the end of the day I want you, just as you are. Not the “perfect”, “censored”, “tailored” version but the you which is still vulnerable, still wild.

Love Letter 4

Dear DM,

I have been living my life as though you were absent. I wait for you and in waiting I sometimes forget that you are already inside of me, soul-same. I dream of the day that you occupy my life, as you now occupy my thoughts and dreams. I have never been patient. Waiting is torture. So I have decided that I must live my life as if you were already here. I mean this in a philosophical sense of course. Who do I want to become? What do I want to do in this moment just as it is? I can only live the life in front of me.

I no longer want to be defined by my past. That is a life lived and re-lived countless times. Who will manifest my future if there is no one to occupy my present? I have operated so long from a mindset of scarcity. I am occupied with your absence but what if I were occupied instead by your beautiful existence?

I want to look at you as if you were the only person in the world, to be with you fully in each moment, to experience fully each and every second of our journey even the breaths between. There is a saying I really like “Music is the silence between the notes.” Claude Debussy. Without the silence music is only noise. Life would be noisy, unbearable, deafening without the occasional pause. We rarely speak in moments of wonder. In moments of wonder we feel with the totality of our being. I want to feel you from the bottom of my soul. I invite you into my life, into my bed, into my heart, into my soul, into all that I am. To savor you fully I will learn to savor everything. I will learn to love all that I know (including the silence) and all that I am so that I can love you more deeply. I’ll learn to listen. I’ll make space. I’ll become music.

With everything I am your DF