Dear DM,

The last few days have been very emotional. I have cried. I have lashed out. I have doubled over myself. There is just something about uncertainty that really does me in. I have been going over everything in my mind. The unknowns. The unknowables. The harder I look the less I see/the less I understand. I know there is beauty, unimaginable beauty on the other side of ego. But some days I see a ceiling where the stars should be and beneath me instead of the sea I find only comfortless concrete. I’ve made everything harder than it has to be. I’ve put up walls. I’ve hung the ceiling. I’ve laid down the floors. I’ve made a fortress of air and water. I’ve made them solid and unyielding.

I am afraid of being myself and the deeper I go the more apparent that becomes. I am not really even sure what it means to be a self. To have a self. To have an identity. I have been given plenty of identities in my life good and bad. I have even crafted a few myself but deep deep down I am afraid that I am just too hard to love. When I was pregnant my mom told me that it was okay if I didn’t love my daughter right away. Bonding was very hard for her and it took her a long time to develop affection for me. I was hard to love. I wasn’t fussy. I wasn’t smiley. I was just self-contained. Now I know as an adult she struggled with postpartum and I can’t even begin to image how hard it was for her to admit that to me (I know it was hard to hear). I am sure it wasn’t even about me. It probably wasn’t personal or anything but growing up it felt personal. The abuse felt personal. On the one hand I can recognize that she was suffering and on the other I can’t help but feel I was somehow responsible for her suffering. Maybe if I had been fussy or smiley? Maybe if I had been a little less self-contained/unobtrusive? Maybe if I had been easier to love? I know it wouldn’t have mattered because that’s not really how postpartum works.

My dad told me he loved me but it wasn’t love. I was afraid of his love. I was afraid that that might be the only love I would ever inspire.  That kind of warped love has an expiration date and lots of conditions. That sort of love really, really hurts.  I spent a long time trying to find healthy, good examples of love. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to forgive myself. I have spent a lot of time shouldering the blame for crimes that I didn’t even commit.

I know what I would like to create, to experience, to share, to inspire. I am healing. I am releasing. Sometimes it feels like I am all water and when I am done crying it all out I will have no substance at all. I I just want to crawl into your arms and fall asleep. I want a sign that I can hold in my hands.

I am not sure why I have such a hard time with self-love (that’s not true it is all laid out above). It is easier since I discovered you were a part of me because I can see in you all the beauty I have never been able to find within myself. So thank you for that. Thank you for making me realize that there is more to me than opinions, statistics, and assets. Thank you for showing me that I am not alone. Thank you for showing me that I can be loved exactly as I am. Difficult or easy I still deserve to be loved. I love you, it’s not difficult, it is the most natural thing in the world. It is the truth. In loving you I am learning to love myself as well.

I have a song for you today

Alice Phoebe Lou- Something Holy

No rules, no rules

You said there were no rules

Your eyes familiar whirlpools

The doors right into you

And I’ll let you in

No need to ask

I wanna bask in your everything

My chest exploding

My mind eroding

At the thought of you existing

Carved from the same tree

Made of the same stuff

I couldn’t even bluff

No flirting, no skirting on the edge

You were one with me already

All you had to do was see me

Really see me

Recognize the workings of my mind

And then touch me

Like something holy

And then touch me

Like something that is now but could never be

And as you take a vow to never lie to me

All of my senses are screaming at me

My body one big lump of tingling, ah

Imagining you naked in front of me

Nothing to hide, just someone to hold

And then we let go

‘Cause we always let go

All you had to do was see me

Really see me

Recognize the workings of my mind

And then touch me

Like something holy

And then touch me

Like something that is now but could never be

Like something holy

Touch me

Like something that is now but could never be

Ha!

Ho!

Hey!

Hey!

Ooh!

Hey!

Wrapped up in the golden light of my bedroom

You take one look at me and I swoon

I’m here with you

It hasn’t been so easy being lonely

Oh, I’m here with you

It hasn’t been so easy being lonely

Oh, I’m here with you

It hasn’t been so easy being lonely

Oh, I’m here with you

It hasn’t been so easy being lonely

Thank you for showing me (ooh)

That I’m not alone

Thank you for showing me (ooh)

That I’m not alone

Thank you for showing me (ooh)

That I’m not alone

Thank you for showing me (ooh)

That I’m never alone

With everything I am your DF

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2 thoughts on “Love Letter #16

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