I apologize for not writing yesterday. I started but I never really got anywhere with it. Yesterday’s bad mood seems to be bleeding into today. Only today I don’t have quite the stamina to support it. I am just forlorn. I don’t use that word often. I am not sure if I have ever applied it to myself even but today it fits. I need to retreat, to go inward, and find some clarity. At the moment my thoughts are quite virulent and I am reluctant to share them (they are just too dark). I don’t know anything. I am just hoping that it is one of those times in life where it gets darkest before the breakthrough. I could really use a breakthrough. A sign. Progress. Something vibrant and tangible. I have to forgive myself but I will start by apologizing to you. I apologize for pushing you away. I apologize for encroaching into your 3D life but I know that it is only a half-hearted apology because deep down I really did want to talk to you. I don’t regret talking to you but I do regret if my desire to do so made you uncomfortable. Now I have to work on myself. Now I have to figure out what surrender really means because nothing I have read about the concept makes any sense and it is so contrary to the way I live. I struggle. I create sad stories and scenarios because otherwise I don’t know how to get the emotions out. I only seem to understand anything when it has been written down. I don’t even understand my own thoughts until I bleed them. I don’t like silence. I see silence as a weapon. I would rather have a knife. A knife in the heart. A knife in the back. Silence is unbearable. A knife can be pulled out, the wound can be stitched. How does one heal silence? So now I have to turn inward and become as still and silent as I can be. I have to learn how to love myself, how to be everyone and everything for myself.
With everything I am your DF