Today my emotions are all over the place. I’ve had highs and lows. Moment to moment I seem to be undergoing a complete philosophical and emotional overhaul. My ego is nothing if not persistent. Sometimes I think I ought to just live like you weren’t there but I can’t and I don’t want to. How could I ever be with someone else? I am afraid of ending up alone, that is what it all boils down to. Rather ironic considering that I enjoy my own company. I am not really alone though am I? Maybe that is why I enjoy it so much because when I am alone, it is just the two of us. Triggers are like nerve pain; you can’t medicate them out of existence and you can’t distract yourself from the pain for more than a few moments at a stretch. When I am missing you henceforth I will try not to distract myself. I’ll savor it. I’ll feel it. I’ll miss you as only I can.
Last night I had a funny/odd dream. I was having ice cream with a group of angels. Each angel had their own flavor. What does your life taste like? What does your soul taste like? It reminded me of the story of the Vinegar Tasters. The Buddha, Confucius, and Lao Tzu each sample some vinegar (aka the essence of life). The Buddha perceives the vinegar as bitter. Confucius perceives the vinegar as sour. Lao-Tzu finds it sweet. I thought that my life, my essence tasted saline, like tears. You asked me for a taste. I obliged. You found my essence sweet and delicious. If only I could experience myself through love. I know it can be done. I have already set the intention but for the moment all I taste of myself is salt. Though there was a moment in that dream where I thought I could taste myself from your perspective.
With everything I am your DF