I woke up very early this morning and I was unable to fall asleep again. Panic. Terror. Longing. Any one of these would suffice to describe my emotional status. Sometimes I find myself questioning my sanity. Sometimes the whys, hows, and wherefores of the situation just become too much. It was a long while before I could console myself again. I want to feel the full weight of your body against mine.
I did an oracle reading this morning which I found rather amusing. “What would you have me do, universe?” “Nothing the universe will act on your behalf when the time is right so for the moment just enjoy yourself.” “What would you have me, say universe.” “Speak your truth. Write with passion.” “Where would you have me go, universe?” “You may feel lost/like you are going in circles but you are exactly where you are supposed to be. Trust your intuition to guide you going forward..” When I posed the questions I wasn’t sure the cards could answer them and I ended up with surprisingly straight-forward answers. I haven’t decided if the answers are helpful. I am feeling so restless I could crawl out of my skin.
I did various things to console myself throughout the day. Clean. Exercise. Obsess. Masturbate. Climax only seems to enhance my arousal. It is only when I am in the middle of it that I allow myself to really cling to you. It is torture, absolute torture. I love it. I would love it more if you were the one holding the whip.
I haven’t had any spectacular revelations today. I am still trying to work out the delicate balance between surrender and collapse. At the moment I am missing you. At the moment all I can do is write.
With everything I am your DF