Love Letter #22

Dear DM,

Today I am everything. Today I am feral, emotionally volatile, full of all sorts of delightful contradictions. I have been thinking about the telepathic conversations we’ve had and all the things you’ve said (I can’t do them justice here and I am not sure how to paraphrase). You are more forthcoming than you realize. I can feel you loving me, it permeates my whole being. My perception of myself is changing. Not in a detrimental way. Not in subservience but in positive, inexplicable ways. I just feel better about myself and I am not sure why. Maybe you have loved all the hate out of me?

Today I am the yin and the yang. I am every emotion and its counterpart. I want to take my time with you and I want to ravish you outright (I am practicing patience). I feel like I am coming apart, opening up, expanding, erupting, unraveling. I feel. What else can I say?

I have been sick with the flu. Yesterday I finally gave up and took a nap. I have no idea how long I slept but well beyond 30 minutes! I woke up inside of the dream and found you there beside me. Our faces were touching. I was holding you. Believe me when I say that no one could have appeared more real to me. You reached out your hand and I woke up. I think it was the shock/excitement of finding you with me in the middle of the day.

Thank you for being there. Night after night. Day after day. I love every moment with you. Sometimes, and I can admit this to you because I have given up keeping secrets, I get jealous of other people’s connections. I think of all the things I want to do with you in the 3D and all the things we haven’t done or said face to face. I also think what amazing things are still ahead of us and of all the amazing things we do now. You pay attention to me, like really pay attention to me. You show me again and again in the 5D the depth of love and life. I imagine you to be a very busy person but you make the time. So I feel a little spoiled, a little selfish for saying so but I know you will forgive me. 

Maya Isac- CFL

I’m lost in your eyes

You look at me like I’m the only one standing here

I like your vibe

Keep talking, it feels like you’re knocking on my door

Crystal fire light

A hand on a shoulder sliding down

Losing track of time

Our moment is sober, taking over us

You’re giving me shivers baby

I left all my lipstick on you

Don’t want to wipe off the smile I’m wearing

I just want to dance

Been feeling lonely lately

Everything seems to go wrong

All around life is crazy

And I just want to dance

I just want to dance

Don’t do me wrong

Don’t get all perfect

I’m the one who wants to know your secrets

Let’s tell it all

No need to hide it

Tomorrow’s dawn will bring a promise

Crystal fire light

A hand on a shoulder sliding down

Losing track of time

Our moment is sober, taking over us

You’re giving me shivers baby…

With all that I am your DF

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Love Letter #21

Dear DM,

Your smile reaches deep

between my thighs.

Eyes, soul-searching,

just shy of the nadir.

Your cool, indecent breath

against my skin.

Petal-soft and plump enough to eat

you pursue me like a gift.

–

The touch of your words

is inaudible and incendiary.

I fuck your face gently,

the tip of your tongue,

the secret language of lovers.

(it is all French to me)

–

An avalanche of milky stars,

of endearments tossed

into a covetous flame.

I am breaking beneath

the pressure of your hands

holding my knees apart.

The pearl between your teeth

my pulse strong, 

back-breaking, sacrilegious.

It’s not god’s name I’m calling.

Let’s take our time.

Let’s lose sight

of all the nothings between.

Let’s become a single entity.

–

There is no part of you

that I do not want to take

intimately and as my own.

There is no part of me

that I would not surrender

to you whole.

–

I want you to leave marks

so that when the sun comes

I will find within those

bruised constellations

a means of returning

to heaven through you.

With all the I am you DF

Love Letter #20

Dear DM,

I have a confession. Today I masturbated using a sweater. It’s all I have of you. I had been going at it for a long time. Desperate for release. Wanting you. Unable to surrender. It only took a few minutes against the sleeve, maybe less. I miss you. It hurts missing you. It hurts thinking of the miles and the minutes between. Maybe I am just a stranger to you but to me you are love incarnate.

With all that I am your DF

Love Letter #19

Dear DM,

How can I possibly describe last night? Sensual. Playful. Erotic. Profound. I felt you so intensely that I thought someone had come into my room. You have me questioning my sanity but if I am crazy so be it. Crazy is a hell of a lot more fun than sane anyhow. Crazy means everything is possible and given a choice I would rather live in a world of possibility and magic than a world made small by ego. It was a good surprise, better than good, it was incredible! Everything that you are, is love. Thank you!

PS) Did I mention that you really turn me on?

With all that I am your DF

Love Letter #18

Dear DM,

Where do I even begin? My head is a mess. I am tongue-tied and incoherent. I am unable to find my balance. I am free-falling. More simply put I am struggling with issues of self-worth. I feel invisible and insignificant. Yet here I am. Determined. Fierce. Wild. A man can’t rationalize himself out of existence. You are a part of me. A part of my soul. I can’t think you, us out of being. It is “self so”. We just are. I love you and somehow that makes sense. You are a cold drink of water on a hot day. You are the first clean, deep breath after hours of panic-induced sobbing. You are my sanctuary.

I spend so much time trying to prove/disprove realities/identities to myself and other people. Most of those realities and identities are pretty inhospitable. What we call reality is just the place where we store all of our fears. Why not store all of our hope there instead? Why not create a world we want to live in by creating that world within ourselves? I am not sure if I am making any sense. I guess what I am trying to say is that fear and reality aren’t synonymous terms. Nothing distorts the way fear distorts. Living in fear is not being realistic or practical. It is very hard to be compassionate when operating from a place of fear. It is very hard to keep an open-mind when crippled with doubt. It is much easier to be compassionate when acting from a place of love and gratitude. It is much easier to keep an open-mind when operating from a place of hope and curiosity. I have accepted the fear and guilt based reality society preaches for too long. The cool thing about being human is the ability to create, to adapt, to change perspective, to dream so-called impossible things into being.

Anyway I am still experimenting with this happiness thing. I am still trying to adjust my perspective and beliefs in a way that allows me the freedom to live, love, be, and create. I will get up again. I will take another breath. I always do.

I have another song for you =)

Can’t take my eyes off you- Frankie Valli and the 4 Seasons

You’re just too good to be true

Can’t take my eyes off of you

You’d be like Heaven to touch

I wanna hold you so much

At long last, love has arrived

And I thank God I’m alive

You’re just too good to be true

Can’t take my eyes off of you

Pardon the way that I stare

There’s nothin’ else to compare

The sight of you leaves me weak

There are no words left to speak

But if you feel like I feel

Please let me know that it’s real

You’re just too good to be true

Can’t take my eyes off of you

I love you, baby

And if it’s quite alright

I need you, baby

To warm the lonely night

I love you, baby

Trust in me when I say

Oh, pretty baby

Don’t bring me down, I pray

Oh, pretty baby

Now that I’ve found you, stay

And let me love you, baby

Let me love you

You’re just too good to be true

Can’t take my eyes off of you

You’d be like Heaven to touch

I wanna hold you so much

At long last, love has arrived

And I thank God I’m alive

You’re just too good to be true

Can’t take my eyes off you

I love you, baby

And if it’s quite alright

I need you, baby

To warm the lonely night

I love you, baby

Trust in me when I say

Oh, pretty baby

Don’t bring me down, I pray

Oh, pretty baby

Now that I’ve found you, stay

Oh, pretty baby

Trust in me when I say

Oh, pretty baby

With all that I am your DF

Love Letter #17

Dear DM,

The last two days have been absolutely wonderful. If I were to give an account of my days just as they occurred they might be mistaken for ordinary, what has them so extraordinary is the sense of you. I have been dreaming about you. The dreams have been sensual, profound, playful even. I would love to tell you about them sparing no detail but it might be too personal for a public post. I have been feeling the heat of kundalini. I have been feeling more optimistic about everything. Thank you for being there.

I am seeing the signs. Yesterday in particular. I was out for a walk. I was thinking about you, talking to you in mind. I commented that it would be an amazing sign if I were to see a white stag. A few steps later I turned my head and saw a herd of deer and among them a white deer! This after seeing a pair of swans randomly in a plowed field. Swans or really elegant trash bags 😛 I did take a picture of the swan I saw the previous day though. I met your higher self last night in a very powerful dream.

I will keep this short, just know that I am absolutely committed to our journey. The answer is yes. Yes to you. Yes to this journey. Yes to our mission. Yes to unlocking my intuition/hidden abilities. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. I would have you just as you are. I wouldn’t change a hair on your head. You are beautiful just as you are, so come just as you are. I am here. I am ready.

With everything I am your DF

Love Letter #16

Dear DM,

The last few days have been very emotional. I have cried. I have lashed out. I have doubled over myself. There is just something about uncertainty that really does me in. I have been going over everything in my mind. The unknowns. The unknowables. The harder I look the less I see/the less I understand. I know there is beauty, unimaginable beauty on the other side of ego. But some days I see a ceiling where the stars should be and beneath me instead of the sea I find only comfortless concrete. I’ve made everything harder than it has to be. I’ve put up walls. I’ve hung the ceiling. I’ve laid down the floors. I’ve made a fortress of air and water. I’ve made them solid and unyielding.

I am afraid of being myself and the deeper I go the more apparent that becomes. I am not really even sure what it means to be a self. To have a self. To have an identity. I have been given plenty of identities in my life good and bad. I have even crafted a few myself but deep deep down I am afraid that I am just too hard to love. When I was pregnant my mom told me that it was okay if I didn’t love my daughter right away. Bonding was very hard for her and it took her a long time to develop affection for me. I was hard to love. I wasn’t fussy. I wasn’t smiley. I was just self-contained. Now I know as an adult she struggled with postpartum and I can’t even begin to image how hard it was for her to admit that to me (I know it was hard to hear). I am sure it wasn’t even about me. It probably wasn’t personal or anything but growing up it felt personal. The abuse felt personal. On the one hand I can recognize that she was suffering and on the other I can’t help but feel I was somehow responsible for her suffering. Maybe if I had been fussy or smiley? Maybe if I had been a little less self-contained/unobtrusive? Maybe if I had been easier to love? I know it wouldn’t have mattered because that’s not really how postpartum works.

My dad told me he loved me but it wasn’t love. I was afraid of his love. I was afraid that that might be the only love I would ever inspire.  That kind of warped love has an expiration date and lots of conditions. That sort of love really, really hurts.  I spent a long time trying to find healthy, good examples of love. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to forgive myself. I have spent a lot of time shouldering the blame for crimes that I didn’t even commit.

I know what I would like to create, to experience, to share, to inspire. I am healing. I am releasing. Sometimes it feels like I am all water and when I am done crying it all out I will have no substance at all. I I just want to crawl into your arms and fall asleep. I want a sign that I can hold in my hands.

I am not sure why I have such a hard time with self-love (that’s not true it is all laid out above). It is easier since I discovered you were a part of me because I can see in you all the beauty I have never been able to find within myself. So thank you for that. Thank you for making me realize that there is more to me than opinions, statistics, and assets. Thank you for showing me that I am not alone. Thank you for showing me that I can be loved exactly as I am. Difficult or easy I still deserve to be loved. I love you, it’s not difficult, it is the most natural thing in the world. It is the truth. In loving you I am learning to love myself as well.

I have a song for you today

Alice Phoebe Lou- Something Holy

No rules, no rules

You said there were no rules

Your eyes familiar whirlpools

The doors right into you

And I’ll let you in

No need to ask

I wanna bask in your everything

My chest exploding

My mind eroding

At the thought of you existing

Carved from the same tree

Made of the same stuff

I couldn’t even bluff

No flirting, no skirting on the edge

You were one with me already

All you had to do was see me

Really see me

Recognize the workings of my mind

And then touch me

Like something holy

And then touch me

Like something that is now but could never be

And as you take a vow to never lie to me

All of my senses are screaming at me

My body one big lump of tingling, ah

Imagining you naked in front of me

Nothing to hide, just someone to hold

And then we let go

‘Cause we always let go

All you had to do was see me

Really see me

Recognize the workings of my mind

And then touch me

Like something holy

And then touch me

Like something that is now but could never be

Like something holy

Touch me

Like something that is now but could never be

Ha!

Ho!

Hey!

Hey!

Ooh!

Hey!

Wrapped up in the golden light of my bedroom

You take one look at me and I swoon

I’m here with you

It hasn’t been so easy being lonely

Oh, I’m here with you

It hasn’t been so easy being lonely

Oh, I’m here with you

It hasn’t been so easy being lonely

Oh, I’m here with you

It hasn’t been so easy being lonely

Thank you for showing me (ooh)

That I’m not alone

Thank you for showing me (ooh)

That I’m not alone

Thank you for showing me (ooh)

That I’m not alone

Thank you for showing me (ooh)

That I’m never alone

With everything I am your DF

Wordle #207

The vale ossifies.

My voiceless eyes well with tears

sharp as pine needles.

A summit of pain

my heart shimmers, mirror-grey

and ineffable.

My bruised ego sinks

on reflection, wet-black boot

extended skyward.

I swing back and forth,

ropes tearing at my ankles,

an in-human scythe.

A walk across fields

of stars, a dream-given

change of perspective.

–

This poem was influence by The Hanged Man image on tarot cards.

Love Letter #15

Dear DM,

I felt your sexual energy last night. It hit me at unexpected moments and it had really strange effects on my dreams. I woke up feeling that we had spent time together. Do you ever masturbate to thoughts of me/of us, to my photographs? I masturbate thinking of you/looking at you. It excites me to think of you watching me. 

I am doing better today. For a moment while I was meditating I even felt excitement. I believed that you would come. I can feel you moving towards me. I look forward to getting to know you better, on every level. I will receive you with open arms whatever your method of entry. I just know that we are for each other and each other alone.

With everything I am your DF

Love Letter #14

Dear DM,

I apologize for not writing yesterday. I started but I never really got anywhere with it. Yesterday’s bad mood seems to be bleeding into today. Only today I don’t have quite the stamina to support it. I am just forlorn. I don’t use that word often. I am not sure if I have ever applied it to myself even but today it fits. I need to retreat, to go inward, and find some clarity. At the moment my thoughts are quite virulent and I am reluctant to share them (they are just too dark). I don’t know anything. I am just hoping that it is one of those times in life where it gets darkest before the breakthrough. I could really use a breakthrough. A sign. Progress. Something vibrant and tangible. I have to forgive myself but I will start by apologizing to you. I apologize for pushing you away. I apologize for encroaching into your 3D life but I know that it is only a half-hearted apology because deep down I really did want to talk to you. I don’t regret talking to you but I do regret if my desire to do so made you uncomfortable. Now I have to work on myself. Now I have to figure out what surrender really means because nothing I have read about the concept makes any sense and it is so contrary to the way I live. I struggle. I create sad stories and scenarios because otherwise I don’t know how to get the emotions out. I only seem to understand anything when it has been written down. I don’t even understand my own thoughts until I bleed them. I don’t like silence. I see silence as a weapon. I would rather have a knife. A knife in the heart. A knife in the back. Silence is unbearable. A knife can be pulled out, the wound can be stitched. How does one heal silence? So now I have to turn inward and become as still and silent as I can be. I have to learn how to love myself, how to be everyone and everything for myself.

With everything I am your DF