Secret Admirer

Dear DM,

I experienced “love” for the first time when I was 6 years old. I used to go door to door collecting stories from my grandmother’s neighbors. I met an elderly couple sitting together on their porch. It was a beautiful morning, one of those shockingly beautiful Saturday mornings that is quintessential to youth. The man was willing to indulge my curiosity. His wife, he explained, had had a series of strokes and a heart attack. She was paralyzed. They spent their mornings on the porch, weather permitting, every day. He talked. She listened. The way this couple looked at one another is beyond description, beyond love. Their love had a presence, a visible aura. It sounds silly to say but they were radiant. Even many years later I still get emotional thinking about them. I have seen couples in love since. I see it all the time. Beautiful. Adorable. Fiery. Crazy love. Love that should be cherished. The couple I met that day were undoubtedly twinflames. That is just a label. It is inadequate but I have to call it something to distinguish it. That day was the day that I believed in love. That belief gave me hope and that hope turned into a love of life in general. My love of  life has gotten me through some very difficult/dark times. It was a chance encounter that ended up saving my life. I thought ‘I can live in a world where such love is possible because a world that is capable of such depth of love is a world worth living in.’ I didn’t actually use those exact words but the sentiment was there. I knew deep down that I would someday love someone in that way and that I would endure anything for the chance to love someone that way.

My whole life I have had this feeling that I would meet someone that I could literally walk into. I know, it is crazy, I think so too. Every time that image pops into my mind/this notion of home/of shared souls, I question my sanity. I just had this sense, you know, that I was a part of someone else. Not because I am incomplete but because I feel/sense/know that I am not alone/that I am a part of someone. There is something I was meant to do, something that dwarfs my accomplishments to-date. When I saw you for the first time (in a photograph) I knew that you were important. I felt that we had something very important to do together, a mission I guess. I felt looking at your photograph that you were me. I told myself that I was crazy and yet here I am dreaming about you night after night. Intense. Beautiful. Vivid. Impossible Dreams. I told myself I was mistaken and yet here I am thinking about you day after day with your thoughts/feelings inside of me. We have only spoken briefly online and I sobbed through most of our conversation. Not because you had hurt me in any way. Not because of anything that was or wasn’t said. Not for any reason I could fathom in that moment. It was just as if everything I had ever felt/ever could feel came pouring out inexplicably all at once. I felt more in a brief space of time then I have ever felt in my whole life and all I could think to ask was “How are you?”. It scares me sometimes, feeling this much, feeling you inside of me. At the same I have never seen/felt a soul more beautiful than yours. Fear or not I am committed to this journey. I know you are the one inside of me/I recognize you and whether or not you wish to go on this journey together (I respect either decision) I will go on feeling to the very depths of my being this love which is beyond love.

With everything that I am your DF

PS) I am enclosing a song.


Gorecki- Lamb

If I should die this very moment

I wouldn’t fear

For I’ve never known completeness

Like being here

Wrapped in the warmth of you

Loving every breath of you

Still my heart this moment

Oh it might burst

Could we stay right here

Till the end of time until the earth stops turning

Wanna love you until the seas run dry

I’ve found the one I’ve waited for

All this time I’ve loved you

And never known your face

All this time I’ve missed you

And searched this human race

Here is true peace

Here my heart knows calm

Safe in your soul

Bathed in your sighs

Wanna stay right here

Till the end of time

Till the earth stops turning

Gonna love you until the seas run dry

I’ve found the one I’ve waited for

The one I’ve waited for

All I’ve known

All I’ve done

All I’ve felt was leading to this…


19 thoughts on “Sunday Writing Prompt “Secret Admirer”

  1. Darling beautiful poet, you have me crying with your opening word because I too feel this love, this inexplicable and profound love. Just to know that other person is there, out there somewhere is enough. Thank you for sharing this. I love you ❤️❤️❤️

  2. Your post was an unexpected Sunday morning prize.

    The concept that Love is a Cosmic Force remains the one factor I cannot reconcile when I think of this Absurd Universe. Everything else in physics, chemistry, biology, all the other ‘ologies, and even the mystic practices, fits within the Absurd. But not Love. Love is the one feature of high consciousness that I cannot account for; the one facet of being that makes me unsure about the ultimate pointlessness of existence.

    1. I am an admirer of all things absurd. A sense of humor is what keeps me “sanish”. I don’t think that meaning/purpose and absurdity are mutually exclusive though. I just think the universe has a wicked sense of humor.

      1. We’ve recently discussed this dichotomy of absurd vs meaning. What we settled upon was that the Ultimate Absurdity is like the outer most valence shell of an atom. Gold, for instance, is a good example.

        That single electron out there on the sixth electron shell is the Nihilistic boundary of the Absurd Universe; a conceptual location you can contemplate but you can’t remain for long: Either you kill yourself, or you surrender the notion and return to a lower existential level where you can fabricate a purpose you can believe in. Most folks philosophically exist in the inner most layers, never pushing outward. A few folks press outward, eventually arriving at the realization that existence is an Absurd accident–but you can’t stay there.
        Meaning can only be found by ignoring the absolute Absurdity. At least, this is what we (Mudge and Mole) have derived.

      2. I wouldn’t exactly call myself an Nihilist but I do love a philosophy that embraces absurdity! I love the diagram and all the thought you collectively have put into this. I can imagine it would do a person in to stay in the outermost reaches. Do you think that some people in the outermost reaches might simply cease to exist/negate their own existence?

  3. Such an intriguing notion, this part/counterpart. And how wonderfully you’ve conveyed it as so essential and clear, so absolute and imperfect. To be secretly admired/seen in this way—what a dream for both admirer and the admired.

    1. Thank you for your beautiful compliment =) Imperfections are what make a person so irresistible, so interesting, so beautiful, so uniquely themselves. To feel a person in this way without even the possibility of a filter/veil and know that they have the capacity to see and know you fully in turn is terrifying but beyond that insanity/terror is something unconditional and beautiful and exquisitely vulnerable. Nothing that ever happens within the boundaries of our comfort zone will ever truly inspire us/wake us up.

  4. You’re most welcome. Thank you for the lovely reply. I couldn’t agree with you more. I often think about the zone I’ve set up with my blog, if I’ve merely set up another comfort zone outside of my “normal” one. Perhaps so, perhaps not. Either way, thank you for this food for thought. It’s my favorite meal.

  5. Perhaps some levels of love are only for those in complete love – you were a lucky child to see a glimpse of that to carry you through 😀

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