The Tides

As I get older I find myself gravitating more toward the blue tide. It probably comes as no surprise that I am a deeply introspective person. I love philosophy, psychology, physiology, literature, nutrition and fitness, and eastern religious studies. My whole life I have been searching for a single answer “What does it mean to be human?”. I am still learning to love learning but when something or someone sparks my curiosity I am positively insatiable. I analyze and reanalyze but logic is not my strong suit. I am more intuitive and insightful than I am logical. I am constantly tripping over the basics whereas more complex ideas make sense immediately. As I get older the less, I realize, I know. The black and white certainties of youth have given way to so much grey. My pursuit of truth is very personal, very internal and unfortunately I have never been good at taking society into account. Which is not to say that I am criminal, just that fitting in never figures in. Did I mention I am mad as a hatter?

I hate seeing people/animals suffer. I am unable to distinguish between my suffering and other people’s suffering, sometimes I even sympathize with inanimate objects! Yet many would consider me insensitive and I can be insensitive. I push people away. I avoid forming close personal relationships and I have a blind spot when it comes to people’s feelings about me. I wouldn’t consider myself a martyr though, when I do something for someone it is because I want to. I cannot be made to do anything.

I am internally motivated and yet I do seek reassurance. I am insecure and lacking in confidence. When taking on a new challenge I tend to need a lot of reinforcement/guidance (I have learning disabilities). Once mastered I prefer to be left alone to work but in the initial stages I can very fucking needy. While I don’t generally concern myself too much with opinions I don’t like to be seen as stupid and I hate situations where my ability to communicate is limited. Although I don’t talk very much in general social situations (I talk my husband’s head off!) I like knowing that I could, if I was moved to do so, express myself intelligently. I also need to be loved and to be listened to but that’s probably just the human in me.

Red is one of my primary tides. I am intense, passionate, emotional, moody, and instinctive. I have a fiery temper and I am stubborn to the point of insanity. While my stubbornness has allowed me to survive and even to thrive in difficult circumstances it has also proven an impediment. I tend to refuse opportunities and changes when they are first presented to me and it takes a lot of soul searching in order to accept something even if I wanted to accept it in the first place! I gave everything in the pursuit of love, in the pursuit of the extraordinary and I found it.

Indigo is probably my weakest tide as I feel that each person has their own personal truth. When I was a child living in an abusive and unstable environment I did seek comfort in rules and routines. How should we treat one another? What is the right course of action? How much responsibility does a child have for the sins of their parents? How do I become a better person? How do I become a person at all? I wanted desperately to find clear and concise answers. I wanted the people around me to behave in ways that I could understand. I wanted to control others so that they would not be able to cause pain to themselves/others. I still have some control issues. I still organize when I am stressed and I boss people around when I clean. I still try to fix it when someone comes to me upset but I have come to understand that everyone has their own path to follow and my opinion guides me alone.


11 thoughts on “Call Me Kaleidoscope

  1. Your Indigo portion especially interested me–how I longed for there to be rules Everyone in the World followed, so there would be stability… I still beat my head against the wall (not literally), frequently realizing anew that there are NO rule books… Blessings to YOU 🙂

    1. Thank you so much. As a parent I wish sometimes my child came with her own custom instruction manual lol But alas there really aren’t any rules “Be good to each other” “Don’t be a jerk” is probably all we really have to go on but not everyone follows that simple idea

      1. I may have told you this years ago, but it bears repeating–I admire your courage to be a parent. I was too afraid that I would hand down all the horrors imprinted on me. May you be richly blessed!

      2. I was afraid too. I still worry because everyone on both sides of the family suffers from Depression and my daughter is now of the age where she is aware of it and has her own personal concerns. We’ve talked on the issue several times. She is not old enough where I can really talk about my past though (not in details I mean). From her perspective parents are good and love their children so she has a hard time understanding that Sam and I had a difficult upbringing, plus Sam’s parents are really good grandparents even though they were not good parents and he doesn’t want to skew her opinion. With my mom she notices certain stuff like how she breaks promises and how she doesn’t really listen to what you are saying or respond when you write to her. I don’t feel I can take much credit for it but she is a really compassionate person. Even as a baby she used to pat the other babies on the back soothingly when they were crying lol She is a sweetheart. Also it motivates me to try harder because giving up isn’t an option.

      3. Oh my goodness, I’m all teary-eyed now. You just never know, do you? So much I could respond to in your words–but I’m especially struck by how you say that giving up isn’t an option. WOW, that is a position of strength that I currently don’t have. I always envy parents/people like you…it’s hard for me, since–with no children, and estranged from all family for decades–I have to make the choice not to quit for, and by, myself. Depression has not gotten easier with age, and sadly, a strong Christian faith does not make one immune to hopelessness. But anyway, I feel so honored that you would shared your thoughts, experience with me–thank you for that, and may your family be much-blessed by God ❤

      4. Some of my biggest changes have come from making a personal commitment, to myself for myself. When I was younger and being abused, there was no one but I decided I would survive mostly because I was curious and wanted to see how my story would go once I was the one writing it. So while having a child does motivate me to be a better person and to push harder I didn’t always have those connections. Thank you so much for your kind words, much love and best wishes

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s