Processing

My dad died shortly after I received the news of his illness. The Skype conversation we had before his death was an eye opener. Several of my relatives were present during the chat, relatives I haven’t seen since I was a child/teenager.  Relatives who had no idea about the abuse and who believed that my husband forbade me from contact with my father because that was the excuse my father gave to explain away my absence. It was also the excuse he used to anesthetize himself when I confronted him about the abuse in my 20s. My father asked me why I had never let him meet his granddaughter. I never told him I had a child and I can only surmise a relative found out and passed the news along to him. I explained that in light of the events of my childhood I felt it was unsafe. He denied the abuse, said everything that happened was imaginary. If my entire childhood was imaginary does that mean I am a magical entity? At the end of the conversation he added that I looked old. The conversation proved to me once and for all that I had made the right choice in ending contact. My father hadn’t changed and his inability to take responsibility for his actions even at the last possible moment, without risk of any legal repercussions proved that he would never change in such a way as to make a relationship with him possible/healthy. He sexualized everything I did as a child, he reminded me at every possible moment that a woman’s purpose is to fulfill a man’s sexual desires, and he body shammed me relentlessly. Even his compliments were a form of emotional manipulation. He didn’t always shame me for how I currently looked but how I would look in the future and how that future me was going to be undesirable to men. My dad was just an asshole and I know people hate speaking ill of the dead but I spent so many years trying to euphemize his behavior and I won’t do that anymore. He was awful to the women in his life and he was proud of it. He felt entitled to women’s bodies and he objectified every single woman he met. For many years I saw my value only in my desirability to men and so a vast majority of my encounters with men came from a place of intense shame. Just today I skimmed through celebrity news titles (which I almost never do) and it was much of the same bullshit. Men raping women and women posing for sexy pictures. I am just done with it. I am done with a culture that says boys aren’t allowed to have feelings. I am done with a culture that tries to beat men straight. I am done with a culture that believes alcohol or a short dress is a legitimate excuse for rape. I am done with a culture that doesn’t even talk about all the boys getting sexually abused. I am done with a culture that promotes rape and enforces gender stereotypes.

If I had any advice to give to society it would be: Stop raising your kids to be assholes in order to protect them from bigger assholes. The world doesn’t need more assholes, period.

That concludes my rant for the time being. I don’t have any intentions of leaving WordPress I am just processing some things.

 

 

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23 responses to “Processing

  1. Do you remember when you were in school and there would be that one kid that would ruin it for everyone by taking advantage and that the teacher would respond by revoking the privilege for the whole class? We need to stop giving all the power to the asshole, to stop molding and accommodating society around assholes. As long as we live our lives in fear/service to assholes we are contributing to its demise.

  2. If there were words to patch the wounds, I wish I had them for you. Noone should be treated as if they are less than any else. I couldn’t imagine the thoughts that could ever justify the actions.

  3. He doesn’t deserve any respect dead or alive and I am glad you were able to converse with him before his death if it offers some sort of closure. Stay strong ♥

  4. Hello,
    Having read your post above and remembering some of your earlier posts where you touched on similar issues with your father I can understand you anger at his denial of the past.
    I think that as you process your life and all that has happened it’s important to care for you. You are right about the kid in class who ruined it for everyone, I hated them in those days and I still hate the people who seem intent on ruining every one around thems lives as well….we see it every day, that sense of entitlement and that sense that they are above the rest of us and so, therefore, can get away with whatever they choose to do.
    Take care Yves, good to know you are still about the place.

    • Thanks so much Michael for your compassion. I feel I have gotten some closure now. I still have loads of issues to work through not just with my dad but with my childhood in general really. It has been a lot to process and with that said I am kinda of keeping things basic atm. I am still exercising because that is a great stress-relief but I really ought to get back into writing because it helps me process. Exactly!

  5. I realize that I do not know you very well except through your writing here at wordpress. Regardless, I am sorry about certain aspects of your past, but very proud of your present.

  6. ((((((((((Yves))))))))))))

    You should be proud of yourself – despite the intense pain and grief and trauma your father still managed to offer to you, in his last days. Never mind the life time of shit. You should be proud of your strength and understanding – how you’ve come “full circle” in truly knowing that “power” is falsehood with incredibly damaging repercussions. And that your continued refusal to accept anything less than Truth won’t do.

    Some people will never be able to be anything other than what they are – bullies and cowards – which is what a bully is, if you see deeper than the intimidation and violence and aggression. And when they wield that “power” through whatever means, they are never going to have what they desperately need and want – respect and love. It’s an impossibility. And you shouldn’t feel ashamed or guilty about refusing to pander to the absolute insanity of a society, that by and large, is totally hypocritical. We can “bang on” about social and gender equality and respect – we can talk about rape culture and anything else – but it’s actions that count more – the smallest ones – and when we raise our voices in protest – and then with the next breath CONTINUE to idealize through graphic images, highly stylized and sexual content, in all forms of media – how we use sex and objectification to “live this false fantasy” and “fairy tale endings” – it’s just total bullshit.

    Clearly, your “glass curtains/veils” have fallen – shattered completely now, as you’ve come full circle in now dealing with the aftermath of what has come to pass in your life – but know one thing – you are strong. You always have been. You may have acted in ways that seemed “reasonable” although it’s often in hindsight and self-understanding and therapy that you come to appreciate that this is “typical” behaviour based on being so aggressively traumatized – but you’ve already broken the cycle. Just by the ways and means you’ve decided to live your life, and raise your daughter – and work on your own healing. You have the strength to continue do say “no” to all this frenzied shark feeding and hypocrisy – in smaller ways, perhaps – but this, at the very least, is more than enough.

    Be well and take care of you and your family – and remember, you don’t have to “buy into the bullshit.” Ever.

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