Update (long)

It has been a while since I have last updated you guys. I have also been incredibly inconsistent about writing/posting poetry. I don’t have any excuses so I am just going to jump in with the update.

My internship at the factory has been extended to the end of April. I really like my immediate boss aka the woman I work with everyday who tells me what to do haha. She is animated and funny. She is patient. And even when there is a rush on an order she never takes that stress out on me. I would love to work there if it meant I could continue to work with her. During my evaluation she was very positive. She is all for my internship becoming a job but I am still not sure if that is possible. While I don’t fully understand the reasons I think it boils down to money.

I commute to work via bus. The commute itself is around 30 minutes one way I think. After work I have 48 minutes before the next bus (though it is often late). There is a lot of down time. I don’t use my cellphone to view the Internet. Never have which is partly to do with a completely lack of interest in learning to use my cellphone beyond texts/calls and partly to do with not wanting to strain at a tiny screen. So I read instead. I have recently read 2 poetry volumes by Anne Sexton and 3 books by Jeff Noon (Pixel Juice, Nyphomation, and Automated Alice). I am currently reading “The Tibetan Book of the Dead” which is not at all light reading! I have also read a big chunk of the Okinawan Diet. So basically I have been reading instead of writing though given how much I am struggling to see the screen at the moment I am pretty sure I am going to have to take a break and give my eyes a rest.

I will be applying for Swedish citizenship (actually I have already initiated the process I just have to send in my application). At the moment I am a lawful legal permanent resident or some such thing. One of my biggest fears is being separated from my family. I am terrified to travel for fear I won’t have all the necessary documents. I realize this fear is largely irrational but I have had reoccurring nightmares about it for many years now. So I have decided enough I am just going to become a citizen. I am not sure how long it will take to get approved or even if I will be approved. I have some things going for me I am not a criminal. I am married to a Swedish citizen and have been for nearly 17 years. I have a daughter who is a Swedish citizen. I have lived in Sweden for the prerequisite time blah blah. I am just worried my low income will be an issue. Sam has a good job so it’s not like we have no income but I personally don’t earn much. Will see how it goes!

This week I have personally designated yoga week. Instead of my usual training I have been testing out different forms of yoga. My body was feeling really run down. Generally I am good for several months of regular/intense training. Then I hit my stride. I have tons of energy. My performance is better than ever before. I am stronger. I am faster. I am more coordinated. I am more confident. After the high comes the fatigue, the irritability, the sleeplessness. In the past I always pushed through this stage. The result? Repeated injuries and illness until my body just couldn’t do anything. I decided that this year when I see the signs of over-training I am going to heed them and give myself a week off to recuperate. My stress levels have been very high lately with my stepdad’s illness then death and my mom’s mental health so my body hasn’t been the picture of endurance. I took a recovery week in October. So it has been 4 months since my last one. I was terrified when I took my first recovery week. Honestly it wasn’t as bad as I thought. I didn’t gain weight. I didn’t fall off the wagon. I also didn’t get sick. I am at the end of my recovery week now this is the 6th day and it has been great spending sometime focusing on yoga. Not only do I feel like this experience will freshen up my morning yoga practice but I also discovered that I enjoy working with the chakras. I will definitely be incorporating that in my practice. My sleep has also really improved these last few days which I believe was partially responsible for my low energy during my workouts.

So how is my mom? I mentioned her and I figured I should update you. She plans to sell her house and move out of state. I remember how happy she was when she finally paid off the house. I remember watching the house being built. I remember growing up in the house. So it is a bit painful to know she is selling the house but I do get it. I even get that she wants to move and start over. The city she lives in now is not a good place for her right now, she has burnt a lot of bridges. Still I worry about her making so many changes at such an emotional time. She doesn’t have much of a support system right now but her sister has been helping out a lot and she would be moving away from that connection. I worry that she might get rid of all my stepdad’s things and not save any mementos and regret it later. She has also recently started talking about meeting up with a man she met on line. I have no objections with my mom dating or anything, I am just worried about her jumping into a new relationship too soon. She has never been alone before and I am worried that might be a factor. My mom is in her 50s btw so I wouldn’t be surprised if she would someday remarry. She is going to grief counseling which I am very happy about!

Last but not least! An update on Isadora my lovely 9 year old daughter. Isadora recently had an evaluation at school. She is in the 3rd grade btw. She is doing very well in English nearly at a 6th grade level but she is struggling a little with writing in English. She is also struggling with writing in Swedish so I would say writing in general. She has some issues with reading comprehension as well regardless of the language. In math she is having a little trouble with subtraction with borrowing and with multiplication tables after 4 but otherwise she is doing well. She is doing really good in science. In gym she is failing every single skill. Unfortunately she inherited my bad coordination. I don’t mean bad in the normal sense. It is bad enough that it might be developmental honestly. My coordination actually was a bit worse than hers because she has good fine motor skills she can draw, build with legos, do crafts, it is gross motor skills she is lacking. I had neither. Anyway I know what it is like to be the last in gym class. I know what it is like when the body doesn’t make sense at all. If anyone has any ideas or resources for a child with significant coordination difficulties let me know. I know kids can be awkward and clumsy when growing but everyone who sees her mentions this issue about poor coordination (including every gym teacher she has ever had) so it is something we need to work on. She has recently started a free dance class so I am hoping that will not only be fun but help her build up her gross motor skills.


9 responses to “Update (long)

  1. I hope that you manage to find and strike a balance that makes sense – physically, emotionally, mentally etc. It always helps if physically one feels more grounded and less tired, that’s for sure. Everything else then becomes a little easier to manage and deal with.

    As for Izzie? Has she tried things like yoga or some easy, gentler stuff that might help her with balance and simple (although God knows some of the yoga poses are less than simple and easy) co-ordination. And here’s a weird question: does she walk around barefoot alot?

    I ask because sometimes, walking around with a closer connection to surfaces that are “grounded” can help slow you down – help her to feel less “clunky” …. which may sound odd – but I remember as a kid that the more I ran about barefoot, the better it was. Not an easy thing to manage with in the winter – but maybe it might help her “feel” her body more …. perhaps, she doesn’t “associate” with her physical – I know I don’t very well – although I used to love to dance and movement is key and crucial to me – but it’s only been recently that I’ve realized just how far removed I am from a sense of my “solid” – and upon reflection, I also now recognize how much this was true when I was younger too. And another “far out” question: but does she empathize with you and maybe is “mirroring” you and your conditions on some level?

    And another thought just jumped into my head: does she swim and like to swim??? And how does she move in water? What about you??

    Right then, enough …. take care and be well Yves 🙂

    • I have to say my sleep has improved with the increase in yoga. Yesterday I decided to try meditation. I really enjoyed the guided meditation I did yesterday. I tried one today as well but I didn’t like it as much. I want to try all different guided meditations and add my favorites to a playlist. I also did some self massage today and I don’t mean that euphemistically, strictly PG lol One of my problems is that I don’t slow down. I rush around. Actually when I relax and don’t hurry I get more done/faster but I can’t seem to convince my mind of this despite the overwhelming evidence. Through out a normal day I am given to random bouts of panic. I have been putting off trying meditation for a while but I think its time I actually tuned in and took a breath.
      I found a Youtube site called Cosmic Kids Yoga. The instructor tells stories while doing child-friendly yoga. She likes it actually but when I watch her doing it I can see that her body is not being very cooperative. She is inflexible for one. I am not naturally flexible either but since I do yoga everyday I am okay flexibility-wise but it takes work, whenever I stop doing yoga I get super stiff too. Since she doesn’t stretch consistently she is very inflexible. In gym class they don’t stretch at all because the teacher thinks its bad for children. It is infuriating. Izzy is consistently straining muscles because she is stiff and they don’t stretch/warm-up properly. She doesn’t have a lot of muscle either, her knees bow inwards a lot. If I would say touch your toes she would not be able to reach her toes, bow her legs, wobble, and topple. Weirdly though she has great posture like with sitting and standing and stuff very good posture, very good spinal alignment. Her back strength seems to be alright actually. She is often barefoot (not outside in the snow) because Swedes don’t wear shoes indoors. She doesn’t even wear shoes at school and she hates wearing socks so. Well I have been exercising for a long time and improved a good deal. So when I am training I look pretty okay I think. She is aware that I can’t play sports but that is partly because I don’t have depth perception with the one eye thing. She has outstanding vision like Sam and she seems pretty aware of it lol I do think she mirrors my emotions and some of my behavior but I don’t think she is mirroring inflexibility (both Sam and I are more flexible. You heard that right a 36 year old man who never does yoga is just naturally more flexible than a 9 year old girl.) or the lack of muscle tone (she is weaker than her peers, even younger kids). She might, however, not have learned to ride a bike because I can’t.

      Yes she loves water! As a toddler/small child she had this peculiar problem. Whenever she would enter a body of water she would fall over and sink head first to the bottom. She just sunk immediately and in such an unnatural way (this is in water she could stand in mind). She was never panicked, she absolutely loves water. I took swimming classes because of her issue and we had her take several swim classes. Finally she can swim! Actually she shows good stamina in the water and I believe swimming is why her back is strong when everything else is all wobbly. She can even float now, that took a while for her but she is good at it now. So we try to take her swimming and let swim whenever possible because it is exercise she actually likes. She also likes to dance and she takes it so seriously. She really tries to get the moves, she is motivated with dance. She is struggling to keep up with the others but her high motivation in encouraging. She has zero interest in running, climbing, bike riding, jumping and any sport but Ping Pong (we bought her a Ping Pong table for X-mas she wants me to play sometimes but I suck at it. The ball is invisible to me when in motion because of the eye issue, I am going to have to learn echolocation lol). When I try to show her some basic exercises to strengthen (she asks me to help her) she usually starts crying right away. She started crying when I asked her to bend down yesterday. She wasn’t in pain because I asked, she doesn’t seem to be having pain issues. Sam did as a child he also had 2 types of Scoliosis. But she doesn’t have Scoliosis. Right now we are practicing fat belly/skinny belly and sitting in a chair and standing up again. She can only sit in a rather tall chair without her knees bowing so the goal eventually is to get parallel knees but she isn’t there yet. She has a bad attitude with most physical things so I am trying to find things she thinks are fun because I want her to enjoy being active.

      • Well, that was a mouthful …. but interesting.
        About the water thing? She may have an electromagnetic imbalance – which is why she topples head first and sinks …. so it’s really good that she is/has learned how to stay afloat and all. (I know people who know how to swim but as soon as they hit water, the naturally sink – and it’s a body/chemical/frequency thing – it’s really odd.)
        Not practicing stretching and warming up? Seriously?! What kind of nuttbar teacher is this??? Ughh.
        I’m guessing she has been checked for posture alignment in her hips and knees and pelvic girdle, because there are underlying muscle, tendon, ligament issues there, they could be part of the source of her woes. But if she has a strong spine and back and core, that definitely helps.
        It’s understandable that most physical things make her unhappy and feeling out of sorts …. if she feels really out of it, and everything is difficult or harder for her, then sure, it makes one feel cranky right off the bat! But if there are things she likes and is willing to play at, then that’s what counts …. but as you’ve said, not easy to figure out …. and yeah, it can’t always be fun for you either, with the eye problems etc. But I guess, as they say, attitude is everything, and if you’re trying to help her settle and feel better, then with lots of love and patience, I’m sure she’ll find her sweet spots when it comes to movement and activities.

        LOL@self massage …. no worries, I didn’t read anything into that – but given how you work with and on your body, well, don’t we all have trigger point and knotty issues?

        Glad to hear the guided meditation is working for you – meditation, if it “sounds” right to me and well done – knocks me clear out – and although I eventually wake up – my mind isn’t clear – relaxed – actually like in fog or thick mist – but not clear. But then, I have trouble keeping my mind in check – either I’m a mile a minute or zoned somewhere else …. or just plain exhausted.

      • I have never heard of that! Well there was nothing natural-looking about her in the water I’d never seen anything like it. I am just glad she is now able to safely enjoy the water because she loves it so much.

        I know right!!! It is very frustrating.

        I would like to investigate it further myself. She has been to the doctor and they say everything is fine. Though she has not had X-rays which is something to consider particularly if she continues to struggle or starts to complain about pain. She has never complained about her joints hurting or anything like that thankfully.

        I hated gym class as a kid. Sam was always top of the class meh. I was bottom. Actually I was so bad at sports I was told to walk instead. I walked from elementary right on to high school I rarely got to play anything. I got in the way of games, it wasn’t fun if I was playing according to other people. So I admit I dislike sports and prefer training alone. Despite that though I have developed a real passion and enthusiasm for exercise. I never thought I would be able to enjoy being in my body but I have come to enjoy it. It was a struggle in the beginning because my body was so alien to me. I even enjoy some sports so long as the person I am playing with isn’t psychotically competitive. Obviously I prefer a sport with a soft ball since I am going to get hit lol I am glad Isadora has some things she likes and we try to encourage that. I don’t care if she is last in gym class but I do want her to pass her basic requirements because I want her to progress to the next grade. Sweden has much harder physical requirements, the requirements she has at 9 exceed what I had in high school in the USA.


        I wouldn’t say my mind is clear, I get sleepy and I feel sort of sleepy, whooshy after but I do feel more relaxed. I hold a tremendous amount of physical tension even the lightest massages are painful because of my extreme defensive posturing. I cry through massage usually unless I do it myself. I am very familiar with all those states of being! I have dissociative disorder so there is a big disconnect between my body and mind which is sort of why I want to meditate to practice being present.

  2. This subtraction with borrowing thing is always a thorn in the flesh for kids that age. My nine year old is also having problems with it, they are at the 4 digits sum level now. I am glad everything is sort of working out for you and send my love to your mum. In the end grieving is a very personal thing to go through and everyone copes in different ways. I am glad she is seeing a therapist. Oh and Isadora is a beautiful name (why din’t I think of that 😀 ) I don’t know much about the coordination thing but I hope you will get the help she needs. ((hugs))

    • I have a math learning disability a severe one and honestly she is well beyond where I was at her age. She also likes math which helps. Thank you so much for sympathy. Awww thank you =) Hopefully dance class will help it is something she enjoys that requires balance, strength, and coordination

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