Dance Video (wait what???)

Today I have done something very different and very, very scary for you.

First

Let me apologize for my webcam. My webcam is in the top ten list of worst webcams. The sound quality is terrible and the video freezes in several spots.

Secondly

I am 35 and of an average build. I have big hair. I am not going to apologize for my big messy hair. I also have big legs and I am fine with that. Also  I probably have my eyes closed, which others find confusing. How do you know where you are? How do you not bump into things? The answer is I don’t know.

Thirdly

Yes I do look tired. I have already had a very intense workout today and because of my extreme camera phobia I have had to repeat this many many many times. I also tried other songs before settling on this one.

Most importantly

I do not know how to dance. I am not showing off my awesome moves. I have no moves. I have no musicality. I am not trying emulate any particular, style or dance. I am just doing what I felt like doing. I have poor coordination. That is actually the point. As a child I loved to dance more than anything in the world. Then I was molested. I developed Body Dysmorphia, PTSD, and Dissociative Disorder. I came to hate my body. I stopped dancing. Dissociative Disorder disconnects the mind and body. I am not even aware of having a body most of time. I have no idea what my body is doing or what it is feeling or even what is happening to it sometimes. In college I took dance, it was the first time since childhood that I had the courage to dance. I loved it. I was the worst in class. I could not keep up with the other dancers. I could not make my body do what I wanted it to do. I had three teachers, two of them hated me because I was just so bad, so unteachable, so uncoordinated. One of them patiently stuck with me even though the only dance I ever managed to learn in 2 years involved pretending to be a statue lol Anyway for me dance is about healing, about facing my fears, about trying to reconnect with my alien body. I am not good at it but that is okay.

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22 responses to “Dance Video (wait what???)

  1. Your dance was wonderful! I really, really REALLY mean it (And I also LOVE when your hair is long and I want it. You can take my flat, boring hair!). I really like your moves, I would even go as far as to say there is so much grace pouring out of you that perhaps can’t find its way out without dancing because it thinks it shouldn’t.
    I studied dancing for 8 years (quit because there was no males and I could not participate in events and competitions with a female partner 😦 . They wanted to turn our whole dance class into a revial group and make us dance on national TV, in a folk music TV show. No thanks!) and I can tell you that what you are doing with your hands is just amazing. I have seen people who feel so trapped when dancing, and move so restrained and wooden.
    I can go on forever, but let me just finish with: You should make more videos! 😀

    • My hair has been driving me crazy lately, it is completely wild and it requires so much oil if I don’t want it feeling like scrub brush. Oh wow I would love to see you dance! I don’t have much training. I took dance in the end of my college term. One semester I took Ballet and Modern Dance I had the most amazing teacher. I got to meet real dancers from the New York Ballet they worked with us and I got to meet and be instructed by Lori Belilove who trains in Isadora Duncan style that was so fucking amazing. Then the next semester I took Ballet again same class because I didn’t advance, Modern next level but I had to drop down again I really didn’t like the teacher for the next level, and tap which I was awful at I mean truly horrendous. I had to drop tap. I was pregnant the second time and so it was hard with the nausea. I wish I had started sooner. I am so flattered by your words and in disbelief

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